I’m feeling periods of overwhelming despair and having read some of the topics on this site felt it may help to write up what has happened to me. After 35 years my marriage finally ended on 09/12/13 after confronting my husband on his latest affair. I need to go back a few years as this cycle has been ongoing for a few years now. Back around 2005 my husband broke down to me saying he was unhappy, didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore, wasn’t the person I knew which at the time I had no idea what he meant; he was suffering with tinnitus (recent diagnosis of diabetes)and depression and had started drinking I felt too much and my love for him just wanted me to stand by him and help him through. It had not been an easy period for me supporting 2 daughters who had sadly both suffered eating disorders but the cloud had lifted for them both and they were making successful strides into their 20’s and we were incredibly proud of them both. During this period my husband took a back seat; he just couldn’t seem to face up to what they were going through but i was fortunate that my love for them gave me the strength needed to support them all. We talked at length and although I was shocked by my husband I also,felt guilty that I had failed to nurture our relationship sufficiently. My husband appeared willing to work together on our marriage, I encouraged him to take up a hobby, golf, to help with stress relief and friendship (he worked for himself so daily banter with workmates was also absent). Our GP prescribed anti depressants which he agreed to try and things settled down. His golfing hobby seemed to help and he started to enjoy life again. It wasn’t all wonderful but I truly believed things were working through. We had known each other since i was 15 and had been through a lot, becoming close as his mother had died when he was only 18, he didnt have a positive relationship with his father who had never shown much interest in him or our children when babies and sadly he died in the mid 80’s – we grew up together. In 2003 we celebrated 25 years of marriage and it was a very happy time.

Then in March 2006 i was diagnosed with colon cancer having to undergo surgery and chemotherapy. I think back now to my 50th birthday which coincided with my diagnosis and felt instinctively things were not ‘quite right’ with my husband i felt so alone and his expression of support didn’t feel sincere. the treatment was hard-going and I did my best to keep its impact on the family as low as possible. Our daughters were busy getting on with their lives and I didn’t want to feel a burden to them or indeed my husband. His moods were so up and down; i recall him shouting at me on the day i came out of hospital. He mocked me for being teetotal ; his drinking increased along with his abuse. I encouraged him to not give up his,golfing hobby and struggled at home with the misery of chemo many times on my own. I got through it though and as a joint celebration with end of chemo and my father’s 80th birthday a big family weekend of fun was planned. On the morning of departure I discovered my husband was having an affair; I was absolutely shattered, bizarrely I rang the other woman and she said they had been planning to move,in together. i was in shock. My husband said he wanted to stay with me and would end the affair. I put on a brave face for the sake of the weekend but discovered my husband continued to text the other woman so we had a row and he left for home.

He immediately left the family home and rented a property with his new woman. I was devastated but work, friends and family got me through. Within 2/3 weeks I received a desperate call from my husband; he had fallen apart regretting everything saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life. I responded to this because i still loved him. the other woman rang me saying he clearly couldn’t live without me and his family and it had all been a terrible mistake. Things moved fast, he didn’t move back into the family home for about 5 months but we fell back in love and it was wonderful for a time. We talked about selling up buying a smaller home anything to reduce stresses on our lifestyles, had amazing holidays but then his ‘depressive’ mood-swings reappeared. I became suspicious and discovered immediately before Christmas 2010 he was again seeing the same woman. I was devastated yet again but chose to hold it together through Christmas as our daughters were coming home and above all I couldn’t bear to let the family down.
In early January I confronted him and he left to set up home again with the same woman. 2/3 weeks later she called me saying my husband was ill and she had called an ambulance. I arrived to find she had left him saying, yet again it had been a huge mistake and she was returning to her husband. My husband had an anxiety attack from the stress which she had thought was a heart attack at the time. she rang me again saying it had been a mistake…..too old to start again!!! I asked her where she had met up with my husband and she said at a Swingers Club! Yet more shock; it turned out that was what he meant by not being the man I thought he was….he had secretly embroiled himself into this other sexual world and fell for this woman; real life however wouldn’t stand up to their fantasies.

I took the lead put the house on the market planned for a future on my own, it wasn’t easy. Ridiculously I still loved my husband and he charmed me back into his arms promising the past was history he had always loved me and wanted to make a go of our marriage….I foolishly agreed allowing my heart to rule my head. We moved home, worked together refurbishing our new home, there were good times and difficult times building trust. Our eldest daughter got married and we had a wonderful time. Golf featured increasingly in my husbands schedule; he wished I would play but I wasn’t keen and felt it was good to,have independent interests. Our joint interests decreased noticeably my husband opted out of things we could do together and increasingly I was alone and unhappy; his mood-swings started again, he seemed to pick on me for no reason. My suspicions arose and he admitted to having fallen for a new woman! He was allegedly planning to move into digs in January and then move in with this other woman so ‘things didn’t look so bad’ However as I asked him to leave immediately he moved straight in with her – she isn’t married, lives with her mother although in her 50’s and of course plays golf. Funnily enough her name cropped up just before he moved back in with me in October 2011 and at the time he denied anything….I was so wrong and foolish.

I feel so humiliated and let down….it all seems so unbelievable….I’m angry with my foolishness of allowing to be used liked this. I’m not a stupid person, I hold a managerial job with responsibilities, I have two amazing daughters who despite all this trauma have gained successful careers and relationships. As I write this I feel I can overcome all of this but the pain of rejection is sometimes so hard to deal with and I just break down. My daughters are absolutely fantastic support and are my strength and reason for going on. Its not going to be easy and the dips are just awful but hopefully there will be light eventually.