Forum Replies Created
January 14, 2014 at 11:42 pm #49129
Thank you Matt again your words of wisdom are soothing and I shall work on using that very light I truly feel inside to help me heal. Thank you…I feel the warmth of your sincerity.January 14, 2014 at 4:06 pm #49119
Thank you Matt, I’m ok but to be honest the darkness I have felt at times over the last few weeks is alien to me and I regret allowing the negative,thoughts take over my mind in such a way. Thankfully the love of people supporting me is strong for it is only that that makes me want to go on.
I devoted myself to my husband and family loving them all unconditionally as I thought a good wife and mother should and it was quite natural for me..the home/peacemaker. There were difficult times when I found myself supporting my teenage daughters with eating disorders that had sadly gripped them but we got through. My husband found this period too difficult to face most of the time suffering with depression and I supported him as a loving wife should. I accidentally discovered my husband had got involved in porn group internet sites and when it came to light he begged me for forgiveness. I was shocked but we worked it out our marriage was strong enough to get through.
Then just before a joint family get together that had been planned for months to celebrate my father’s 80th and my successful surgery/chemo for cancer diagnosed on my 50th birthday I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. He left me and immediately set up home with her. I was devastated and shocked but he contacted me within a month a broken man regretting everything. We fell back in love and had a wonderful period of time. It wasn’t easy for us rebuilding trust but then I noticed his behaviours changing again and after me discovering a second mobile he admitted he was seeing the same woman! He set up another home with her and within a week she contacted me to say it had all been a dreadful mistake and she was returning to her husband. It was then she told me they had met at a Swingers Club. I put our home up for sale and dealt with most of that trying everything to reduce pressure on our relationship. I forgave again and we bought a new place together that we happily worked together refurbishing from scratch. It was very hard for my daughters to accept their dad back again and I found myself supporting my husband and them through,these difficulties believing love would find a solution.
We experienced wonderful holidays visiting one daughter working abroad and one daughter getting married. I forgot to say that as a means of helping my husband through his ‘depression’ I encouraged him to take up golf which he did. He didn’t like that I wasnt into golf but I thought it good to have separate hobbies. I noticed increasingly he rejected my interests and I started to feel very lonely. He’d say things like I wish I could play golf 7 days a week and when I tried to say how hurtful that comment was he just mocked me.
In the midst of these low times we got on, celebrating our 35 years of marriage….his card says ‘heres to the next 35 love you always’. However 2 years after buying our new home I’ve discovered he has been having a further affair with another woman….incidentally this woman cropped up 2 years ago as she sent him a text I thought bordered on inappropriate at the time but there was nothing but denial over it. I told him to leave and he moved in with her (same age group as me, unmarried no children lives with her mother) on the same day!!!!
The outcome I’m told is the right one for me people who love me say he has shadowed me as a person but I loved him unconditionally albeit it foolishly. However the deceit and means of reaching this outcome has rocked me to the core, the man I thought I had known for 41 years is a stranger, the friend/soulmate/father/husband what,has,happened. I feel replaced, rejected, duped, foolish for having allowed my heart to rule my head. I feel so exposed, how can I,ever trust again??? I’m a forgiver, I care about others even worrying he is alright. How could he and a complete stranger inflict such pain on me. I know I need to sever all,ties and slowly I am doing this….but this brings with it a difficult acknowledgement that it is the end, it’s over, my loyalty and love has been exploited but I’ve believed that to forgive is to free oneself but by forgiving again I leave myself vulnerable. There’s so much more I could write but little point as i think you will understand why I’m in such a dreadful place. It’s not all bad though, as I’ve said I am blessed to have a strong circle of people who love me and it is,that which is keeping me going. Your understanding Matt is so kind and I am so thankful at your empathy to me a complete stranger to you….and yet your heart and wisdom could read in my words the pain I am feeling thank you….I’ll get through thisJanuary 13, 2014 at 1:44 pm #49056
I am sadly going through as you describe Trixie…….and I’m sad for you, these feelings of loss and desire steer my mind to thoughts I regret having as all they do is take me back to a place I know is not for me. Sometimes I let my mind drift, pretending someone is going to say enough pain now it’s not really happened and that I’ve just had the worst imaginable nightmare but all that does is catapult me back to reality which ends up with me having to go over the painful reality again which oddly is possibly just a process of learning to accept the shock of a change imposed on me.
Having read Matt’s words of wisdom has been so very helpful…..given me a focus towards healing my emotions in a positive way….thank you. I will work on the fact that all these painful emotions need soothing in order to heal, they will be raw possibly angry like a physical cut can sometimes be. but that for me must be a sign that extra soothing is needed to gently ease the pain away as you Matt suggest.
Thank youJanuary 2, 2014 at 4:31 am #48162
Thank you Mark, your empathy is helpful and your advice helps to remind me to focus on my present blessings thank you so much.