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- This topic has 18 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by Matt.
January 6, 2014 at 4:43 pm #48543
Hello I have finally decided in my mind to release my attachment to my ex (who I feel I will always love in a place of my heart) I have removed all things that remind me of him put them in a bag and giving to my therapist to keep. I realise I have been having a relationship I my mind with someone that doesn’t exist . Stop calling. Stop texting stop wishing Stop hoping .
But, sometimes like today the waves of emotion and loss, memories just take over I feel upset and alone not empowered . I wonder where he is, what’s he doing, who’s he doing, etc and just can’t get it back in the locked box of my mind.
I truly thought I was making progress but I saw someone at the mall that looked like him, I followed this person around until I saw it was not him, my heart was pounding, my head sprinting & I just started crying in the mall that someone gave me a chair to sit on – totally crazy stuff right?
How do you turn these emotions off or at least calm them? I take St. John’s wort & Magcal to calm myself but wow sometimes it’s unstoppable! Any suggestions ?
TrixieJanuary 6, 2014 at 6:38 pm #48547CydParticipant
WOW! You do this too?! I think about my ex all the time. We broke up over a year ago and just yesterday I was driving on a highway coming from church and just so happened to see a truck that was probably theirs at a another church. I wanted to turn around and go wait in that parking lot to see if it was them but I noticed that was another reason I should let go. I feel I still want to know why they did me wrong and want them to feel the way I did. I want them to know they were wrong and that I’m not an insecure whiny baby that just wants attention. They will always have a special place in my heart and it will hurt to see them with someone else just a bit. It hurts to be wounded. The best thing you can do is work on loving and healing yourself. Be your own best friend first. Realize that everyone gets hurt in love but you will soon find the one that is meant for you. Love is a risk but it can be all worth it with the right one. Keep pressing 🙂January 6, 2014 at 7:09 pm #48553BoniParticipant
You are both very brave to have made the break. To better your life and yourself. i admire the courage and strength. Trixie, there will be good days and bad days, Maybe even really bad days. But because you have made the break you will begin to heal. More and more better days will come. I am willing to bet that a great person to start dating may be on the horizon. You are so smart to have realized you had made up a fantasy person, not seeing the real person your ex was. Some people live in a lie forever just because it feels comfortable or just what they know. Hang on. Cry for 20 minutes if you need to. You will feel better and pretty soon that will stop all together. It hurts like heck in the beginning. You feel lost and wonder if you did the right thing. perfectly normal. Keep reading what you wrote. “The person doesn’t exist”. That is the best reason in the world to keep moving forward! Good luck, I am pushing for you!January 6, 2014 at 7:09 pm #48554
One of my teachers talked about the bursts of mental and emotional activity (lamentation, discursive thoughts etc) like a wild mare stuck in a barn. The mare became spooked, kicked, bucked, and became brusied as she beat up against the barn walls. It might seem natural to try to calm the mare by going right up to it, perhaps reaching out a hand, or trying to speak gentle words to her. However, the mare is really caught in her frenzy, and if you approach, you just get kicked and bitten.
Instead of going up to the mare, what we do is remove the barn. Then, she may kick and buck for a few moments, but then relaxes and maybe goes and nibbles on a flower. In the mind, its the same. We don’t try to stop or suppress the feelings, rather, we make the space for them to settle. To remove the barn, in other words, we act in a nurturing way to ourselves and others. For instance, if you are feeling obsessed with the ex, it may seem natural to run around asking yourself “why does he catch my attention?” or “is there hope? is there no hope?” or “how do I fix this, what do I do?”
Trying to answer those when the emotions are raw is like trying to grab and wrestle the mare to stillness, suppressing her by brute force. Its no wonder that doesnt work (at least not for long) :). Instead, we can remove the walls of the barn by taking a bath, listening to some soft music, practicing a hobby we enjoy… some activity that helps us settle back into our body, relax, and opens up the space. Then, we don’t try to fight the emotions, we put our arms around them. Much like a parent would cradle a child, we let the moment rest, the emotions be real, known. We cry our sorrows (or scream our angers) and just let them be, let them settle, and patiently give them back to the earth… when we’re ready. Then, the racing thoughts just lose their momentum, their allure. Said differently, consider its the unwept emotion that pushes the thoughts, and instead of trying to stop a thought, you can just turn to nurturing to let the emotion settle.
Finally, there is no need to be at odds with your emotions… they don’t make you crazy. You felt sad, and you cried. You thought you caught a glimpse of him and it sparked a search. That all sounds pretty normal to me. Sister, you’re going through a tough challenge, and your heart is still weeping. Grief is never easy, but if we give it space and time, it does heal. Namaste, dear sister, may you find peace and a warm space.
MattJanuary 7, 2014 at 9:09 pm #48658
Thank you everyone for your help.
Matt as you mentioned at odds with emotions. I have just stocked myself by allowing myself to google him and look for photos and to see what he has been doing. I did not even know I was doing it in a way. What was I trying to achieve by this to see he has a life without me and that I was never in it?
I feel so down now worse for looking but I just could not stop myself, does anyone understand why I would do this? I had in my mind sorted to stop looking, searching and boom back at it again! I feel so rejected,broken & unglued again. I was totally in love with him and still am I guess. I iwsn I had an off switch.
What was I searching for? Any ideas?
TrixieJanuary 8, 2014 at 8:43 am #48674
Its sounds to me like you’re experiencing two issues stacked on top of each other. The first is the desire to search, click, check up and so on. That seems normal to me, even when we know a behavior isn’t helpful, our desire sometimes pushes us and we do it anyway. The more troublesome aspect is the beating yourself up afterward, which is a whole unnecessary layer.
As far as figuring out why you did the search, I won’t be of much help there. That’s between you, your heart, your desire and your grief. However, the “Trixie is broken” view that arises afterward is perhaps something that can be settled. We all follow desires that don’t really serve us, its part of learning. One Buddhist teacher said not to feel guilt or try to suppress desires, rather do them with mindfulness. This allows our heart to learn quickly, and we naturally move away from painful actions. Said differently, you don’t need me to tell you why you searched, you just need to watch and look and breathe… then, you’ll figure it out and heal whatever needs healing, and let go whatever needs to be released. The guilt for following the desire actually impedes the healing, because it draws our attention away from the causes.
For instance, if we were to walk headfirst into a thorn bush, perhaps we might get a bunch of thorns stuck in our skin. If our brains start beating us up for our choices, we don’t keep our attention on our skin, which is where the thorns are actually stuck. Instead, we can accept that sometimes we press into thorny experiences, and once we realize we’ve been hurt, step back and give attention to our body. Consider, for instance, that after scanning for signs of the ex, it would be a good time to take a bath, listen to some soft music, or some other nurturing activity. Not “why do I do this to myself!” but rather “ouch, what can I do to help my heart soften and warm now that that’s over.” Then, the reasons that pushed you toward the thornbush either become irrelevant (you naturally shed the addiction to the unhealthy choices) or the reason arises naturally as your heart reawakens and gets a little space.
Namaste, dear sister, may you treat yourself with tenderness and patience.
MattJanuary 8, 2014 at 11:59 pm #48760
Matt, that makes sense. Thank you so much.
I have been trying to come up with a “mantra” for want of a better word for when I wake at 3am and boom he’s in my head. I have tried just saying stop, cease enough but would like some more suggestions, for anyone out there, to help stop these thoughts and get back to sleep. I want to be gentle but firm with myself as like talking to my inner child to calm down e.g keep calm and carry on…
TrixieJanuary 9, 2014 at 3:08 am #48766KeriParticipant
Yes… Trixie… The am’s are just as you explained are the worst for me too. I’m still trying to calm the anxiety and thoughts however haven’t gotten there yet. Ty…January 9, 2014 at 7:01 am #48773
Consider something such as “I forgive myself for the choices I made that produced this spinning and suffering. May I be well, happy, peaceful, and loved. I forgive him for whatever choices he made which contributed to this spinning and suffering. May he be well, happy, peaceful, and loved. May we be free.”
Invest as much authenticity into the mantra as you can… sincerely wish to be happy and free, him to be happy and free. Also, if you wish to help reduce the vibrancy of the spinny thoughts, you could do some metta meditation at other times. Consider “Sharon Salzburg metta meditation” on YouTube. Metta is wonderful, and helps the mind become fluid, smooth and concentrated. Most that take up a metta practice notice the results right away, and the Buddha also highly recommended it.
MattJanuary 13, 2014 at 9:19 am #49035Jessie LeeParticipant
I too am dealing with the same thing. It has been over two years, but I still find myself wondering about him constantly. I do not have answers, for if i did i wouldnt be in the position that i am. However, the one thing that has helped me the most is NOT trying to suffocate my emotions. You have mentioned that you wish to turn your emotions off or calm them, but i assure you that this will only make matters worse. Instead, let them out when they wish to be let out; in public, at work, at home, wherever. Eventually, you will come to a point where you are out of tears and out of emotions to waste on him, and from there you can rebuild yourself lowly. It takes time, and a lot of confidence to cry in front of your peers, but i promise you that it will work… it is the only reason i am even alive today.
JessieJanuary 13, 2014 at 1:44 pm #49056karen1Participant
I am sadly going through as you describe Trixie…….and I’m sad for you, these feelings of loss and desire steer my mind to thoughts I regret having as all they do is take me back to a place I know is not for me. Sometimes I let my mind drift, pretending someone is going to say enough pain now it’s not really happened and that I’ve just had the worst imaginable nightmare but all that does is catapult me back to reality which ends up with me having to go over the painful reality again which oddly is possibly just a process of learning to accept the shock of a change imposed on me.
Having read Matt’s words of wisdom has been so very helpful…..given me a focus towards healing my emotions in a positive way….thank you. I will work on the fact that all these painful emotions need soothing in order to heal, they will be raw possibly angry like a physical cut can sometimes be. but that for me must be a sign that extra soothing is needed to gently ease the pain away as you Matt suggest.
Thank youJanuary 13, 2014 at 2:13 pm #49060
I’m happy that some of those words reached out to you, and am sorry for the painfulness you’re experiencing. A few of your words caught my attention, such as “not for me” and “shock of change imposed upon me”. Are you OK? Sometimes when we’re attacked, we make false assumptions about what happened and end up giving far too much power to the aggressors, the judges. This is only a blindfolded guess, without knowing your particular wounds, just in case. 🙂
Sometimes it can help the feeling of isolation if we open up and talk about what happened. Not that you need to rehash what happened, but if you can invite us to share it, you might find the shadows less scary, and your path full of more hope. Remember, there is always a path to joy, and many open hearts to help us along the way.
MattJanuary 14, 2014 at 2:17 pm #49113Cynthia BelmerParticipant
Loss is very painful especially when feelings are involved…. would suggest to sit with your emotions instead of turning them off. The more you push your emotions away, the more they’re going to come back at you stronger and stronger…write about your emotions and be gentle, patient and very loving with yourself throughout this process….
This is an opportunity to give birth to something new and more beautiful within you….
Much love to your heart!
CynthiaJanuary 14, 2014 at 4:06 pm #49119karen1Participant
Thank you Matt, I’m ok but to be honest the darkness I have felt at times over the last few weeks is alien to me and I regret allowing the negative,thoughts take over my mind in such a way. Thankfully the love of people supporting me is strong for it is only that that makes me want to go on.
I devoted myself to my husband and family loving them all unconditionally as I thought a good wife and mother should and it was quite natural for me..the home/peacemaker. There were difficult times when I found myself supporting my teenage daughters with eating disorders that had sadly gripped them but we got through. My husband found this period too difficult to face most of the time suffering with depression and I supported him as a loving wife should. I accidentally discovered my husband had got involved in porn group internet sites and when it came to light he begged me for forgiveness. I was shocked but we worked it out our marriage was strong enough to get through.
Then just before a joint family get together that had been planned for months to celebrate my father’s 80th and my successful surgery/chemo for cancer diagnosed on my 50th birthday I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. He left me and immediately set up home with her. I was devastated and shocked but he contacted me within a month a broken man regretting everything. We fell back in love and had a wonderful period of time. It wasn’t easy for us rebuilding trust but then I noticed his behaviours changing again and after me discovering a second mobile he admitted he was seeing the same woman! He set up another home with her and within a week she contacted me to say it had all been a dreadful mistake and she was returning to her husband. It was then she told me they had met at a Swingers Club. I put our home up for sale and dealt with most of that trying everything to reduce pressure on our relationship. I forgave again and we bought a new place together that we happily worked together refurbishing from scratch. It was very hard for my daughters to accept their dad back again and I found myself supporting my husband and them through,these difficulties believing love would find a solution.
We experienced wonderful holidays visiting one daughter working abroad and one daughter getting married. I forgot to say that as a means of helping my husband through his ‘depression’ I encouraged him to take up golf which he did. He didn’t like that I wasnt into golf but I thought it good to have separate hobbies. I noticed increasingly he rejected my interests and I started to feel very lonely. He’d say things like I wish I could play golf 7 days a week and when I tried to say how hurtful that comment was he just mocked me.
In the midst of these low times we got on, celebrating our 35 years of marriage….his card says ‘heres to the next 35 love you always’. However 2 years after buying our new home I’ve discovered he has been having a further affair with another woman….incidentally this woman cropped up 2 years ago as she sent him a text I thought bordered on inappropriate at the time but there was nothing but denial over it. I told him to leave and he moved in with her (same age group as me, unmarried no children lives with her mother) on the same day!!!!
The outcome I’m told is the right one for me people who love me say he has shadowed me as a person but I loved him unconditionally albeit it foolishly. However the deceit and means of reaching this outcome has rocked me to the core, the man I thought I had known for 41 years is a stranger, the friend/soulmate/father/husband what,has,happened. I feel replaced, rejected, duped, foolish for having allowed my heart to rule my head. I feel so exposed, how can I,ever trust again??? I’m a forgiver, I care about others even worrying he is alright. How could he and a complete stranger inflict such pain on me. I know I need to sever all,ties and slowly I am doing this….but this brings with it a difficult acknowledgement that it is the end, it’s over, my loyalty and love has been exploited but I’ve believed that to forgive is to free oneself but by forgiving again I leave myself vulnerable. There’s so much more I could write but little point as i think you will understand why I’m in such a dreadful place. It’s not all bad though, as I’ve said I am blessed to have a strong circle of people who love me and it is,that which is keeping me going. Your understanding Matt is so kind and I am so thankful at your empathy to me a complete stranger to you….and yet your heart and wisdom could read in my words the pain I am feeling thank you….I’ll get through thisJanuary 14, 2014 at 6:00 pm #49120
I’m happy you have loved ones to turn to in this difficult time, and can understand why forgiveness is slow growing. You seem to be working through it, which is awesome (if a little painful).
One small thing that came to heart… consider that even though his side was inconsistent, yours wasn’t. That is actually a wondrous thing, because that light you grew through the difficult times will continue to shine bright. After the grief and shock and anger settle. 🙂 Said differently, sometimes we feel like our time with our partner was wasted, because the union fell apart. However, the consistency of our love, of our dedication, is something we grew alongside the relationship, and those beautiful lessons and strengths remain with us… and are the real gift of loving. Good luck to you, sis, may you find peace.