Home→Forums→Relationships→Lessons through rejection
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Lily.
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January 21, 2014 at 11:18 pm #49503
LilyParticipantIve never actually posted on here but I wanted to share something I am going through. It has had its extremely sad moments but also moments of lightness and strength that makes life what it is.
Just a couple of days ago, I got rejected by someone I deeply cared about and had started to know only 6 months ago. What I thought was 2 people learning to care about each other, building a strong base for friendship and then towards something more, turned into “Im with someone else, I hope you will tell me your feelings. I hope you want to still be friends”. Out of no where. One fine day after 10 months of deep, intimate and spiritually connecting emails. BAM! Had a feeling something wasnt right, but didnt expect this. Oh well.
What hurt more was that telling this person about my feelings (he asked for it!) was followed by no response from his side. Nothing. Not a word. Not acknowledgement at all. I would have never considered friendship (he doesnt need an ego stroke and no one is that special) so I sent an email out saying I was not keen and do not have the emotional capability to nurture a friendship under these circumstances. Wished him well and all the happiness….then…again, nothing. No acknowledgement. Its been 4 days and soon, I’ll stop hoping to hear from him. People move on, so many dont value any kind of connection, everyone is replaceable..in a matter of minutes. What a terribly unhappy soul they must have.
I wonder why God/Universe do/does this. I am a caring, loving and kind human being and I am met with people like these who ignore you after what felt like a developing friendship. Is there something wrong with being a nice person who respects and cares for others? I would appreciate hearing your thoughts as to how I can work on growing stronger.
Now for the good bit: This is shattering for just about anyone but I think someone like me, it would shatter me to the core (trust me, Ive crumbled heaps of times). But over the past few months, reading Tiny Buddha and spending the past 2 years working on myself – building a higher consciousnesses and really understanding myself, my self-worth and the virtues that make me special, has indeed helped me walk away from this with my self-esteem and self-worth intact. Infact, it has helped me understand that I have been given a chance to escape from something that could have caused me harm and that life has splendid things waiting for me.
It still hurt and I wish I could understand why people do this to others. But GRATITUDE, PATIENCE and FAITH really are the key to stay strong and get past hardships. As a 30-year old, this is a lesson I will keep for life. Surround myself with people who love and appreciate me and know that I am always blessed and within me lives a peaceful, happy, content yet growing and learning human being that is the source of all my love.
Lily.
January 22, 2014 at 7:47 am #49522
XessicaParticipantLily,
It’s awful when men do this but the silence is an indication that he is ashamed of his actions because he knows he was flirting. My boyfriend has nurtured similar situations with other women for which I am expected to pretend that it is simply friendship. I know these women are looking for love, I know because I was also there once. This behaviour is shameful but if you can find it in your heart to see that these people desire the attention in addition to the love they receive in their relationship, you will begin to appreciate how tragic they really are.
Flirting to feed your ego and disguising this under the blanket of friendship is possibly one of the most serious diseases of modern pretentiousness. You got a lucky escape from a guy who deep down is actually a bit of a loser. He knows it, and you need to know it too.
“They say the greatest coward can hurt the most ferociously”- Annie Lennox
Besos babe! Stay strong xxx
January 22, 2014 at 9:05 am #49524
MarkParticipantFirst of all Lily good for you for embracing the philosophy and practices that enable you to be healthier and stronger in such situations.
I think there is a discernment on who to open up to for there is a level of trust. I believe that before I do too much of the verbal sharing of our emotions and of ourselves and there is that observation of how the other person behaves.
I believe we act from fear or from love. Those who withdraw are acting from fear. Being trained in therapy, I know that we have been wounded in act that way. Best you feel compassionate for yourself and for him (from a distance) knowing that this person has some healing to do before they can truly show up for a close relationship.
Metta,
MarkJanuary 22, 2014 at 9:06 am #49525
MattParticipantLily,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why grief causes many questions about people, god, the nature of intimacy, and many others. Consider that now isn’t a great time for those questions, because they are born of pain instead of curiosity. For instance, “Why does god do this to me?” comes from a place of disempowerment and painfulness. Slowly, over time and healing, the question moves toward “What is here? What are the components?” which is what allows the answers to help us grow something more beautiful than what we’ve grown in the past.
So, instead of falling into judging him, men, impermanence… consider focusing on self nurturing. You’ve been through a loss, and giving yourself quiet, healing time and space can help the wound heal well. Perhaps take a bath with candles, go for walks in nature, listen to soft music, or whatever circumstances bring peace with them. Then, cry the sorrow and scream the anger, and just keep breathing. Try to set aside the very natural questions, and just let your heart reconnect to the beauty around you.
This is what lets the heart see what happened with detachment, so you can understand and forgive his behaviors without feeling pain, without making them about you. That’s when you’re free, my dear sister, and you deserve that freedom.
With warmth,
MattJanuary 22, 2014 at 8:49 pm #49586LilyParticipantThank you Xessica. I really appreciate you taking your time to reply.
Yeah, I am moving on fine but it still makes me sad. Being tossed to the side the moment someone else comes along..is not a good feeling. Not even a second glance??? …Come on??! This is so hard to understand!??I was caring and attentive and respectful. I guess he doesnt cherish such connections and its all about the attention at this very moment. I dont get it because I am not like that.
Calling it quits was something I HAD to do – I couldnt live with the waiting and I refuse to be a charity case where I wait and wait…and seeing the ‘friendship’ slowly slip away because he doesnt feel the need to share with me anymore would have killed me. Hes not that special, Im not that desperate 🙂
Lucky escape indeed, I can only imagine how excruciating it would to be in a relationship with someone like this.
Besos back. Thanks again x 🙂
January 22, 2014 at 9:30 pm #49588LilyParticipantThank you Matt. That is something I have learnt over the past year – I can choose to act from a place of fear or love. It was such a good thing to understand. And had helped me take care of myself and do the right thing towards others.
I wish this person no harm but all the happiness. Infact, I have prayed for him and for him to understand himself and the hurt he has caused. I am moving on but the sadness and questions remain. Soon, I’ll stop checking my email in the hope that he might reply. Even saying that hurts but acceptance is the first step.
You are spot on about the sharing – I am glad I had boundaries set up where I didnt share details about my depression or difficult childhood. I know he has had a tough life but we both decided that was for later. I would have felt worse if I had shared and he still had chosen to do this. Ive been burnt doing this during my younger years – I know better now.
I truly hope he heals,he seems (!) like a good guy and I hope he doesnt go around hurting people who truely care, admire and respect him. But for now, not my circus, not my monkey.
Many thanks – Lily.
January 22, 2014 at 9:43 pm #49589LilyParticipantMatt, what a lovely, lovely post. Thank YOU! You have reminded me about the importance of taking it slow and caring for myself through this tough time. I am lucky I have the love and support of friends and family + people on here. I am truly blessed.
I do not wish ill upon him and I wish for him to be happy. To find kindness every step of his way (which I told him about in my very last email). I dont blame him, life and circumstances happen – I tried very hard but it was just not meant to be. I accept that. It is the universe leading me in a different direction and reminding me that I need to work on things before I get to the next point.
I always try and pray (and hope) that the good and bad things in life touch me softly and do not make me bitter. But such instances make me question a lot of things – myself, others and if Ive some how messed up the balance between me and God/Universe. But I know that all is well, I am where I need to be and I am being taken care of in so many ways.
I do have a bit of work to do to reconnect with myself and everytime I get impatient or sad, I will remember to read your note.
Thank you once again. Warmth back to you too.
Lily.January 23, 2014 at 2:01 am #49592MarkParticipantLily,
I noticed you only shared about your connection with this man by email. Is that right? I learned from experience that we really cannot know a person virtually. It is hard enough when we see them in person.Only 7% of communication is with words plus we only get to experience the other person in one situation, i.e. behind the computer. Not while driving, not while doing the dishes, not while having dinner together, … well you get the idea.
I have several virtual friends whom I value. However I take our friendship with a grain of salt for the very reason with what happened to you. Not that I have not experienced that in person as well.
The bottom line is what you already know, to love oneself enough to withstand the ups and downs of other people’s behavior.
Metta,
MarkJanuary 23, 2014 at 2:36 am #49594LilyParticipantThats right Mark – and yes, definitely and totally agree with you. I guess, I dont blame him for whatever has happened, purely because of the fact that we live continents away + I really dont know him (I havent spent even a day with him to know what he is like..is he selfish, does he value his friends, is he nice to the waiter? etc etc). So him meeting and liking someone else ‘in real life’ is something that logical and realistic…I guess it hurts because I will be closer to him in 3 months (moving overseas-he knew about this) and would have been a great opportunity to explore the future.
I suppose Im someone who nurtures connections – with people both close and far – I dont know if thats right or wrong but I suppose that is just me 🙂 I have other friends who are at a distance and Ive never had issues with them (but I havent had feelings for them either). Maybe it was my stupidity, maybe I should have taken this with a grain of salt too. I must confess, reading what you’ve written had made me think back and wonder if made it all a little too big in my head.
Something to think about 🙂 Thank you Mark.
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