Zay,

Sometimes when we’ve been spending a lot of time in the “big picture”, settling and uprooting our old dysfunctional patterns, we come to the blank canvas. Its scary, because we see that its blank, and we hold the brush. What to paint! Don’t want to paint a picture like we had before, so how do we trust ourselves to paint something more beautiful?

The solution is accepting the blank canvas as blank, and painting small strokes. Do you like yogurt? Do you like Mozart? Do you like buns or boobs? Do you like sunrises or sunsets? Both? All? Little things, little strokes. Don’t try to paint a vast image, a grandios image. Paint small, dear friend, that’s where the self knowing grows. The big picture very naturally knits together from the little pieces, the little knowings.

Also, consider doing some meditation, specifically metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship that arises in the chest, and is deeply nourishing to our bodies. The “friend” perhaps glows with that warmth, and so you direct lots of attention in that direction. That’s not an available path, though, so growing that light inside yourself is a much better option. This happens in therapy sometimes too, where the client falls in love with the role of the therapist, because they are such a breath of fresh air, an open heart. They think they’re in love with the person, but its really the role. Doing metta meditation will help you become more self sufficient, feeling OK where you are here and now. Said differently, as you learn to grow your light internally, you won’t feel the need to find it in others (and the feeling of confused loss when its unrequited/unavailable). Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

With warmth,
Matt