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I found Peace. I lost my Husband.

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • February 18, 2014 at 4:34 pm #51279
    Di
    Participant

    I posted quite awhile ago about finding my spiritual path, while my husband did not.
    As you can guess, things did not go well. I moved out last week, and he is planning to file for divorce. He seems to have no intentions of wanting to even discuss things, it has been 3 months of no talking whatsoever. I couldn’t take the emotional strain anymore and the resentment, revenge, and hateful energy in that house so I left.

    Firstly, I realise that it will take some time for me to adjust to now living on my own. I miss him terribly, I do love him. Him, as the person. Him, the unique person that I have learned to feel compassion and acceptance. He is who he is. We are all on our own path. It was NEVER my path to fix him, although I tried to show him the way. That pushed him further away. Our last conversations were around that he didn’t understand what I was doing, talking about, and although curious as to HOW I could possibly be happy when we didn’t have material things he wanted, he admitted he was too afraid to do what needed to be done. Like most people, he thinks it would mean dealing with his demons, seeing a counsellor, admitting he is “messed up” and he certainly wasn’t prepared to face any of that. It was much easier to get drunk and be mean. Hide away from the world. Deny there were any problems whatsoever.

    He is living a life built on ego, judgements, assumptions, anxiety, worry, trapped in the past and future, not able to enjoy this moment for what it is, or the people in his life. I feel immense sadness about this. He is in such pain!! My heart breaks for him.

    But it is also true that one cannot have a relationship with another who is not self aware, and I certainly cannot go back to the way things were.

    I feel the urge to kinda journal my pain about this.
    – I accept that emotional pain is resistance to “what is”. That is keeping me somewhat grounded, and I am allowing my feelings of sadness to be. Observe them.
    -“It’s perfectly okay” that this is how things are. Wanting and needing are not the same. I tell myself everyday that I have what I need in life, right now in front of me.
    -I feel like since I am free… I am free to continue to love my husband. My heart still belongs to him. I pray for him. That he will find peace, let go of ego, and be happy.
    -Romantic love is only a tiny drop of the love in the world. I am seeing that more and more

    My awareness has brought me peace. Inner happiness. I would never ever want to go back to the way I was, living by the ego, judging, and never feeling worthy.
    I didn’t know real peace before. I can’t even describe how wonderful it feels to be alive, free, and feel like I have control over my life.
    My job, my family, everything has improved beyond what I could even imagine.

    While all of this was happening, my husband went deeper into his ego and despite my efforts to just be REAL and allow me to accept him, and him to accept me, he shut down and fear took over.

    So while I thank the world daily for allowing me to see my path in life and peace, I am also MAD. Why did this happen to me? What is my purpose in gaining all these insights? To be in peace. That isn’t even measureable. It’s a gift that I couldn’t even imagine possible.
    All it cost me was… saying goodbye to the man that holds my heart.

    I am struggling to trust that life will show me what is in store. I know it will.
    Anyone else go through this? I guess I am looking for comfort. If this is the RIGHT thing to do, and my path in life is to follow the ways of peace, compassion, why does it hurt so very much?
    Peace.

    February 18, 2014 at 5:20 pm #51286
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi Di,

    I am sorry to hear that you are going through this loss. It must be heartbreaking to lose someone who holds your heart and has been your partner and love. I dont have a great deal of life experience so I cant really offer much.

    But I wanted to tell you that reading your post showed my how much of strength you have within you; the desire to grow and expand yourself spiritually and as a person is burning like fire; the peace you have found, the oath to never live by the ego is inspiring. Please dont stop this, please dont stop being you. Some people are not meant to be with you all the way through on our journeys, they severed their purpose at one point in time but they wont be conducive to our future and the brilliance we have waiting for us. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn – the girl who has forever been scared of being abandoned and losing people – this has taught me that it is ok to not have those people I dearly love around all the time. Im still on my path, I need to be on my path and KNOW that inspite of everything I have lost, what is out there, waiting for me, are gifts that will truly make my soul and spirit happy. What is out there, is better than anything I have ever experienced in the past.

    Sending you warmth, kindness and light
    Lily.

    February 19, 2014 at 5:54 am #51322
    Stan Thomas
    Participant

    I found peace when I divorced my abusive hateful alcoholic wife. Sad? Yes, definitely. The right decision in order to protect myself from harm and self-harm? Definitely.

    Stan

    February 19, 2014 at 6:06 am #51324
    Di
    Participant

    Most days I do feel it has been the right decision to end the marriage.
    I don’t know how to properly express this… but I have learned to see that the “alcoholic” man ruled by ego is not really who he is. I do believe we are all equal underneath, all we are all capable of finding the path to peace. I think that is what makes it hurt. To see someone I care about stuck in his own self imposed hell.

    I used to think that “he” was a messed up person. I used to think I was a messed up person. I was able to see that I learned the ego ways, and I learned how to detach from all of that and find peace,. I am not a better person than he is, or anyone else. I just now look at things differently.

    My struggle was in realising that living with someone who is not self aware, was dragging me back into the abyss.
    so I feel selfish.

    February 19, 2014 at 7:52 am #51330
    Mark
    Participant

    Di,
    I would think it is normal to have conflicting emotions at a time like this. You definitely have great insight about your husband and how this relationship has enriched your spiritual learning and self awareness.

    I can relate to you about how something is right but there is still pain. I believe that for most significant changes in my life, it was painful. Change is painful or at least discomforting for me. So I don’t associate what is right with ease and happiness all the time. I know that changing my life for the better always took a leap of faith out into the unknown, away from my comfort zone.

    I am impressed how you have come to the realization that you and he are no different, just that you look at things differently. It is our egos that make us seem different or better/worse.

    Yes trusting life is one of the hardest things for me to do as well.

    Peace,
    Mark

    February 19, 2014 at 12:49 pm #51359
    Matt
    Participant

    Di,

    Namaste, sister, I’m happy your peacefulness is growing, and I’m empathetic to the difficulty letting go. Consider that while we all have the potential for blossoming like you have, it takes certain conditions. Sun, rain, inner drive, space… and even then there is no guarantee. Often, we have to meet a crisis or trauma before we are ready to throw our hands in the air and seek a new way. Said differently, it can be painful to see someone we love going through struggle, but that same struggle is their path to peace.

    On one hand, yes he is the same… under the addiction and anger, he is a Buddha just like you and me. That doesn’t mean he’s ready to open up and come to the plate. Said differently, it isn’t that he is he same, and so what’s the problem. Rather, its he has the potential to awaken to the same loving view you have, but hasn’t. Because he hasn’t, and seems unwilling at this time, the energy you two share perhaps creates more suffering for both of you. Said differently, as you two seperate, whatever you have him that was enabling him to avoid the crisis will erode, making it more likely he will find himself. After all, when the room is empty, we have no one to blame for the smell within it, and start investigating our own stink. 🙂

    Consider that even with all your awareness, all your peace, you still must go through the grief of losing the marriage. This is normal, usual, and waves of emotional pain comes with it. Rather than chasing and seeking and asking and lamenting, consider sitting, opening. Said differently, instead of self discovery (“why do I feel this way”) consider pausing the questions and switching to self nurturing (“I can make space for this feeling”). Cry to the water in the tub, yell at the trees on your nature walk, and so forth. Then, the “why, what, how” just blossoms in the space your tears leave behind.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    February 19, 2014 at 5:55 pm #51400
    Di
    Participant

    Today does feel better, in the sense that yesterday I felt like I was able to allow my feelings to “be”. This is something I am still learning to do. Meditation on feeling the feelings and letting them pass through me helps. I had a dream awhile ago that I “let” the mean words go through me and I woke up surprised to find my body was still intact and okay! It is similar with the hurt feelings. Still practicing at making space for them!

    I see your point about giving him the space to realise his own path. Honestly, one of my concerns was how he would manage being alone, as that is the one thing he didn’t like. To be alone. I’ve not given myself space to think about that, as I admit there is a tiny part of me that wishes he would come around … eventually. “give him some time alone to realise what he is doing and he will come to his senses”. What will be will be… my life cannot sit on hold based on wishes.

    Underneath it all, is a vague prodding that being upset about it won’t change it. That it is a drop in the ocean of life. I am sometimes still afraid to listen to the vague voice. I know this is a situation, and it will pass, change. All things will change, that’s the only constant. If I don’t cling to those things for my happiness.. then I can reside in a more level sense of peace with life.

    Trying to be humble enough to see the lesson in this, but not open enough yet to get there. Maybe soon.

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