Giacomo,

I am sorry for the suffering you are enduring. Have hope in knowing that harmony can be achieved and chaos can be made into order. Also, I highly commend you for seeking help and advice to improve your being. Such action(s) always inspire me.

Your thoughts and feelings aren’t unwarranted. Our society does an excellent job at cultivating environments which promotes behavior that your co-workers display. However, we must understand that we (humans) are the ones who create such environments and therefore the power to eliminate these climates also lie within us. Sadly, because all events vary and because we cannot exert full control of our environments and outside actions, exact solutions do not exist. We may only ever try. This does not mean at all that success cannot be achieved. It means that we must delicately consider each and every situation and map out the best course of actions which we believe will create the most positive result. In your situation, and all situations for that matter, sometimes saying ‘no’ can be the best course of action. Do remember, however, that ‘how’ you say it is what’s truly important. For example, Boss/Co-worker: Giacomo, could you do x for me please?, You: I would love to help but I am very busy at the moment/may be busy for a while yet. Is there any anyone else who can possibly help you? However, if such tactics do not work, then perhaps something more dire may be necessary such as informing HR.

As for your intermittent motivation/inspiration, do not fret. Without having had the proper influences it is indeed difficult to categorize what should fit under ‘healthy’ and ‘unhealthy’. We experience so much with all 5 of our senses that and so overwhelming so that we do not have the time to organize it all hence why it is so important to give ourselves peace of time to contemplate it all. In actuality, it is probably best to contemplate it piece by piece. And, doing so, we will slowly but surely grow. Also, it is important to know that retaining a positive outlook and attitude is, at first, a constant practice. Similarly to your physique, only through careful nutrition and (sometimes rigorous) physical activity will you maintain a healthy body. The mind is the same; you must care with it always with loving and compassionate thoughts in order for it to be healthy/positive/strong. It may also help to find a purpose/passion/goal. Sometimes, living for something with your entire being or living for something larger than yourself helps in fostering constant motivation/inspiration. If you have not found it, then do not be troubled. Passions/goals/purpose are things that should take time to find as we must find worth in their pursuit first. However, this can only be achieved through constant exposure hence why we must continue to explore, experience, experiment and discover. Similarly to your favorite foods, you must do the same with your life. You do not have to experience it all but having quite the array may help. I am sure that eventually you will find something that will resonate within you and give an aim.

Now, it is my turn to apologize for the long post. I hope this helps and please excuse any grammatical errors.

Wishing you the best,

Al

Giacomo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how frustrating it can become when innovation falls apart, and we find ourselves back at square one. Plus, the old keys don’t work, almost as if something changed them from actually helping the stinking process! Blah! This isn’t as hopeless as you think, its just difficult to build when we don’t have stable ground. Foundations crack, we start to see more dysfunction in the people around us, stress increases and so forth. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It sounds like you’re in a fairly common cycle, called different things by different traditions. Imagine for a moment that your belief in yourself, your inner buoyancy is like a light. When we endure stress, it dims. When we read self help books, they seem to connect with what we’re going through, and when we see that we get a boost of light. Like cracking an egg, learning something new can burst open with inspiration. However, that fades over time, and so while we “know” the lesson already, we fail miserably at growing something different.

There’s good news and less good news that arises with this cycle. The good news is that its motivated by pain, and can be healed. Yay! The bad news is, you have to stop being so damned selfish. The pain is turning you inward, so you spend way too much time in your head, chewing and chewing. This makes you irritable, closed off, easily offended, taking things personally that don’t belong to you (other people’s actions, views and so forth). Its perfectly normal, and is kind of like an itch you scratch, scratch, scratch.

To turn this whole ship around, to let the lessons you’ve learned “come back alive”, so you can figure out Gia’s happy path, consider learning how to make the space inside you to be kinder toward others and yourself. You are so hard on people, and especially yourself. Sheesh! We’re these squishy organic beings all fumbling around trying to find happiness, safety, love and so on. We make mistakes! We try to manipulate. We try to be good, but end up being an asshole. Try to be kind, end up slapping our buddy instead. You do it, I do it, they do it… and our light really blossoms when we drop the judgment and begin to see others as siblings, friends, fellow travellers through life.

Said differently, you deserve so much more kindness than you know, than you’ve known. We all deserve help standing up, help figuring it out. We start out little babies and have to learn and learn and learn. Don’t be ashamed of your failures, dear brother, and don’t fear them. That’s just wasted time, wasted effort. You’re a superhero, a Buddha, just weighed down by the backpack of stones you’ve accumulated from your bumbling along. Its not difficult to find happiness… its the blossom that arises alongside authentic kindness.

To help this kind view grow, consider metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm, gentle friendship, and is something we can intentionally grow. This helps our mind let go, become peaceful, smooth, spacious. Then, these mountains around us become curious puzzles, much easier to unlock, erode, step aside and so forth. Said differently, consider how much easier it is to figure out how to draw if you have a somewhat blank page. Metta is a great stable ground to rest in, to call home, a general aim. It provides a very open space for the mind to create from, and makes it easier to see when you’ve been scribbling mindlessly.

Finally, as an addendum to Al’s kind words, consider that its not as important to try to think happy thoughts, rather, try to make the space for the thoughts you’re having. Instead of chasing them around your brain, living and reliving fantasy, just sit and notice the thoughts. Let them be. Set the past down, set the future down, and just notice what’s there. Whatcha thinkin? Don’t need to do anything with those thoughts, just see them, let them settle. It takes concentration (which metta develops quickly), but when we can rest with a quiet mind, the world around us is much easier to navigate. Fluid, simple. Then, happy thoughts come naturally, like a butterfly in a field, spacious, open, dancing.

Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. Any self nurturing activities (such as Al’s suggestions) help. Were you to practice metta a few times a day for two weeks, the difference should be tangible… especially if you were to offer your kind feelings towards others, even smiles and “good day to yous”, or even better, charitable efforts. Consider your darkness is not unique, friend, and many others have had to wrestle with their own version of what you’re seeing, and it can be painful at times, but relief is just around the corner if you’re willing to make it happen.

Namaste, brother, may you find your song.

With warmth,
Matt