Hi, I was hoping I could get a little encouragement and/or advice for what I am thinking is a weird problem for a 36 year old woman to have. I feel like I am back in high school! But I am really struggling.

I moved back in July to a new international city and right away made a connection with another woman who had moved here too. We live in the same neighborhood and for a while I definitely felt really secure in the friendship we had developed. Of course we made other friends, and did different things, but she was someone I felt I could rely on. In the past few months, I have been more sure that this city is not a place I love; I think this has caused us to drift a bit because she likes it here more than me. We went on a vacation together in early March and it went well for the most part. There was a miscommunication the last day and we (husband and I) apologized for it, but since then it’s been inconsistent. We haven’t hung out a bunch, and I would say when we do, sometimes it is ok, sometimes it feels forced, and overall I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

Really, there is probably too many layers to reveal in one blog post. There’s a lot that comes up when a person moves overseas, a lot of baggage that gets revealed.

The truth is, I feel very uncomfortable around her. I don’t know why, and I don’t want to feel this way. She and I share a lot of the same friends, which makes things more difficult in this small ex-pat community. Honestly, I kind of want some space from her, because I feel like this friendship, for reasons I can’t understand (but want to understand desperately), is not bringing out the best in me. And yet, at the same time, I feel like the mature and right thing to do would be to talk to her about how I am feeling. I want to understand or have some validation – and at the same time, I almost don’t have the energy to deal with it. I feel like if I ask her to coffee, she might make an excuse and then I am left feeling more shitty, though I guess at least I could say I tried.

This is what I mean about high school. I haven’t felt this insecure in a long time. I want to be able to not take it personally – that this woman with whom I felt a connection – to just be able to say ok, you drifted apart from an initial connection when you first moved, no big deal, you’ve made other friends, you aren’t going to live here forever, etc etc. But I feel really rejected and hurt. I feel not accepted by someone who I thought accepted me and I’ve never been a person to just be able to say “Well that’s her problem, I know I am a good person.” Last night, I was out with all these people and having a great time, and then long story short it was clear to me that she had been talking about me, and I got so upset i had to leave. Instead of focusing on all the other people who I like and feel like me, I get so fixated on the one person who I don’t feel comfortable around. I feel like an adolescent.

I guess this makes it more difficult because I do like her. If we could move past this I would be open to it, but I am afraid to talk to her about it. But I am also afraid that somehow if we end up not being friends, that some of the more positive experiences I had with her at the beginning of this move are invalidated. Like, how do I look at pictures from Sept, Oct, etc when I know that we aren’t as close as I had hoped? Does that make sense?