Hey Sandy,

I’ve not read your other posts, so I don’t know exactly where you stand with this person, but it sounds like there’s not much chance of you getting back together. So what happened was this: you did some good things, disconnecting and keeping emotional distance, and then you slid back into older behaviour that makes you fearful and frazzled and in pain.

The reason you did this is that you get something out of that pain.

I can’t tell you what that is, maybe it’s the sense of connection it gives you to him, maybe because it gives you something to blame (I feel bad because of HIM, so it’s not my fault), maybe it’s just because you’ve grown used to feeling fearful and dependent on that trickle of news you get from his facebook, and you feel a kind of vertigo when you stand on your own. Or some other reason. It’s often something that makes sense emotionally, but is, rationally speaking, totally barmy.

When you find yourself doing something over and over, even though you know it makes you feel bad, it’s probably because there is something in that shit sandwich that you crave. I used to read rabid anti-gay websites, because there was something about the anger it gave me that made me feel invigorated and righteous. Of course, it also made me miserable, but it took me a long time to realise the misery wasn’t worth the energy I got from being angry. I stopped looking at the sites (and that was hard, and I had to quit a couple of times). I now get my energy from healthier, more positive thoughts, and I don’t have that voice of hate and fear yammering into my head every day. Life is a little better.

Keep on quitting. Keep on doing the good things you know you need to do. And if you can figure out what the magic ingredient in that shit sandwich is, try to figure out other ways to get it.