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is forgiveness an illusion?

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  • April 15, 2014 at 10:28 am #54810
    Kelly
    Participant

    My partner and I parted ways in late December, 2013. It was my decision to end the three year relationship, after giving my all to repair what was essentially broken for the better part of the last year and a half. Since then, he has made pleas for us to try again and work with a counselor. It has been a difficult emotional journey for me, post relationship. At times, I want to reconcile and give it another go, but I am struggling to forgive some hurts that he has taken no responsibility for his role. Last night, I sent a text message asking him “If you had a chance to do it all over again with us, is there anything you would have changed?” In hindsight, it was a rather desperate attempt to get him to acknowledge the ways he’s hurt me and apologize for them. I thought this would maybe give me some assurance that our relationship was worth investing in more.

    He responded “That’s hard to say because we are who we are and we do what we do because of it. I’d like to think I would have handled things differently so the outcome was what we both wanted.” (being happy together). While I know he’s right, I felt deflated. How does that give me any hope for things changing? We still are who we are.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness and have recently started exploring A Course in Miracles. As an atheist, I do not subscribe to the idea of a Holy Spirit and God, but I have still found value in the teachings.

    From http://spirit-of-love.net/faq/what-is-forgiveness-illusion-false-letting
    “What is forgiveness really? A Course in Miracles defines forgiveness as seeing that what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred. You accept that you projected guilt on your brother. The prayer of forgiveness is the practice of looking at our ego identification, with the Holy Spirit, so you see it without guilt or judgment. The power of forgiveness lies in seeing that there was only a mistaken perception, which can be overlooked, and so the mind remains at peace. Jesus says that true forgiveness merely waits, looks and judges not. It does not pardon sins by making them real; rather it sees there was no sin. In this way you are able to gather in the storehouse of your mind stories about forgiveness whereby the ego’s tales of separation are denied and replaced by a state of mind in which The Holy Spirit corrects our perception. This leads to the happy dream that ends all dreams. God is. Since God does not condemn, asking for forgiveness ultimately is not necessary; you have already been forgiven.”

    I find this idea an intriguing path to inner peace, but I’m also troubled by it. I suppose that it my ego giving me trouble. What does the TB community think of this? Is forgiveness an illusion? Are our feelings of being wronged against merely mistaken perceptions?

    April 16, 2014 at 2:59 am #54847
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Kelly

    Thanks.

    I will share my perspective and hope it will resonate with you at some level. I am not religious either but my life experiences have helped me realise that we are amazingly powerful and when we are able to accept ourselves for who we are, forgiveness and love come easy.

    From your words and the energy that I sense, I feel that you are not completely in love with yourself so perhaps letting your partner go will be the best option until you are able to act from your higher self.

    Forgiveness is not an illusion but an essential component of a healthy existence on this planet. When we experience negative emotions, we create hormones in our body that lead us to feel sad and down ( science has proven that we are a super chemical factory). When we are happy, we produce happy hormones, which help us to heal. The hormones produce our physical reality for us. With prolonged exposure to bad hormones, some may experience pain and some may experience psychological problems but most of us will feel some effect. This is exactly the reason why stress is causing havoc in so many peoples lives.

    When we are able to forgive, we tell our body and inner being that we accept ourselves as we are. We appreciate who we are. Both of these actions help us to release more happy hormones and we feel at peace. When we expect others to admit to their faults or be nice to us etc, we give our power away to other people. By doing this, we tell ourselves that we are not good enough and our body starts to produce bad hormones, which will eventually create havoc in the physical body.

    So instead of looking at forgiveness as part of some divine or religious act and find reasons to explain this phenomenon, use forgiveness as a tool to heal your inner being. When you accept yourself for who you are, love who Kelly is, then you will be able to forgive others and accept others for who they are. We are all imperfect beings on this planet who are trying to do our best in our own capacities. No one is more better than anyone else. We are all unique so there is no competition or comparisons.

    If you want to truly understand the meaning of forgiveness then start by forgiving yourself first as you are the only one who will suffer as a consequence of not forgiving or expecting apologies from others. We cant love others until we love ourselves. We cant accept others until we accept ourselves and similarly, we cant forgive others until we forgive ourselves.

    Does this make sense ?

    Jasmine

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