Hello!

I just read your post (you don’t need to apologize for it’s length; you write what you want to write and those who want to read it, will). I could relate to a lot of things in your post. In the same time it’s interesting to see someone else go through things that I have went through: there’s more clarity and compassion, but also it’s hard to give any concrete advice, as I think I’m still struggling with some of the same things you are.

One thing that I noticed, which I know I do myself as well, is that you readily have understanding for his lack of respect for you. I have done that same thing, but it’s interesting to see the same in someone else. My big sister isn’t anything like that and she will call out anyone on their BS and places the responsibility where it should be. Her way of handling things sometimes makes me feel really safe, because I know that I am way too forgiving in an unhealthy way. So I feel a bit like a big sister to you, when I read how you are so understanding towards this person who really did not treat you very nicely. Sure, he is free to do what ever he wants with his life, and sure, he might have self-esteem issues. He is still responsible for his own actions and how he treats other people. I do think that lack of respect and the blurred lines of online relationships are rather common these days, but it might do us good to set some proper boundaries and not accept the kind of behavior that hurts us. I sometimes imagine my own inner child, desperate to be understood and cared for, and then I, the adult, keep placing her in situations where she hurts and I do nothing. I have the power to keep those who hurt her at an arms length. But I digress…

Are you able to block him in your game, so that you wouldn’t see him when he’s online? Taking some time off from the game might do you good as well. Think of it as a healing holiday. It doesn’t have to be permanent, and you can always go back, but just stay away for couple of weeks from this place that keeps pouring salt to your wounds.

Also, perhaps acknowledge that you need care as well. You’re worried about him, but it is his job to worry about himself and your job to worry about you.

I know that you know all this and I also know how hard it is to let go. It’s only been couple of weeks. I can understand the shattering and how it feels like when all of a sudden your reality isn’t want you thought it was. It takes time to heal from that. I’m sure that you are on some level desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle (not sure if that’s the correct idiom to use), and make everything “normal” again. It’s just not going to happen, and talking with him isn’t going to fix things. He doesn’t have the answer to you that would take the pain away. I am sorry you are going through this and I know that it is painful.

Please remember that compassion and forgiveness isn’t the same thing as allowing those who hurt us to continue doing so. I have been in your situation many times with many different people, and after gaining a bit more confidence and love towards myself, I have decided to let go of certain people who are repeat offenders of making me feel really bad and humiliated. Sure, they don’t do it on purpose, but why uphold relationships like that? It is easier to let go of them, when you’re not in the middle of an emotional turmoil. Letting go comes naturally when the storm has passed and you feel better and more at peace.

I am very much looking forward to what other people have to say, as I would like to learn more as well.