Wow.. this is a complex one isn’t it.. Firstly I’m sorry for your loss over Mimi. It’s hard to lose anyone, and it never helps when issues in life seem to collude and combine their impact. I have to say it seems like there are a few things going on here, but it does sound as though you two have something good. Your own flip between relationship and single status whilst knowing you like your own space is something I can relate to, and given that we’re brought up (should that be indoctrinated?) to believe that we should be in relationships and having kiddies etc.. just compounds problems when you try to ascertain how you feel about yourself and how you perceive your own life. I will start by saying that I don’t think there is just the “one, special person” for anyone. We are all ourselves the sum of many different personality pieces, so it’s only natural that there will be a lot of different people to whom we have greater or lesser compatibility. It does certainly seem as though he is a good alignment though, judging by how you both feel, so take heart in that. So how do we get closer to the issue? Well, I think the only way I can try and help is by being brave and looking a little closer at the two of you as people – for what my own thoughts may be worth.. sadly I too have neither a magic spell or superpowers.

That you yourself are okay in your own space is not something to be underestimated these days. When one of the “right people” does come along I think it’s something of a culture shock for people who are okay in their own space, so I’d say that’s worth reflecting upon (for those who are clingy I would say almost any possible relationship would be perceived more as a dream come true, and they’ll launch themselves into it with no time for inner reflection – I’m pretty confident in this thought because I’ve been there. I have been that clingy person!). Anyway, I’d say that no matter how confident anyone might be within their self, a relationship will always cause a certain rise in personal anxiety – that’s your mindful sense of your own half of responsibility in the relationship. I’m almost sure you’ll have been there with these thoughts though. In a sense my saying that is maybe just me looking back at myself as I reply to this, since I’ve changed over the years from inadvertently clingy to more secure and independent!

For his own behaviour I’m imagining that he’s come from a background where he’s perhaps not been as confident or comfortable in being on his own, and rightly or wrongly he’s been in and out of relationships which have all inflicted random effects upon him – maybe left him feeling even more unsteady about what constitutes a good relationship, and how he might react with a partner – then the two of you magically meet! You do say he’s had a lot more relationships, so I’d say it’s possible that his own sense of inner security is likely to have taken a bit of an unfortunate beating. Any paranoia may simply stem from the patterns he’s known up to now. Maybe before your first split he was nurturing a sense of disbelief in the brilliance of the situation, and some measure of panic that he may stand to lose you just as easily as he may have lost other relationships? Was it his behaviour that split previous relationships, or did he just experience a run of relationships which unfolded badly and left him with a few scary scars? When such feelings do begin to interfere with a relationship (not to mention those compound matters outside the relationship, such as work) I think it’s understandable that things would get mistrustful on both sides. I’m guessing your anger issues are going to make it difficult for things to go smoothly when you talk over fraught matters. For that side of the issue I’d say some introspection is needed (you probably feel this) – not a happy task uncovering things like that, but if I were you (and knowing something of anger issues myself) giving yourself the ability to just pause and allow his words to be heard without instinctively judging and replying emotively would give you space to hold that anger instinct in check and think compassionately about what he’s saying and how you might better reply. I too have had personal experience with the possibility of bipolar. Whether I am or not isn’t something which has been resolved since I haven’t felt it necessary to explore this any deeper than it was at the time, when I had a bad episode of stress a few years back. Buddhist principles have levelled me enough for me to find that space and peace of mind. I would hope that it would be so useful to other people! I assume as you’re here that you practice some “present moment mindfulness” yourself?

Your friends? Well, maybe how your friends have reacted to your relationship has been causing a bit of chaos in your thoughts too? Their initial surprise would be one thing, and they even seem to have been supportive of it initially since you seem to indicate that they perceived the change in you as positive, so I wouldn’t worry too much about how they feel about the two of you splitting up and getting back together. It’s different for everyone and not all roads are smooth, nor do I believe that anything can be inferred by how rough or smooth any relationship goes – they’re all different. I think in the end it’s just whether you feel personally that it’s worth it. It seems that you do since you’re here talking about it! So whilst it may be prudent to use their feelings as a way of balancing your perspective I wouldn’t allow them to affect your choices. I wouldn’t seek to cause any hassles between you and your friends, but you seem to be very much more focussed upon the importance of matters between yourself and your other half over their opinions, and rightly so really since it is your life! Their opinion can carry some value, but I’m not convinced that’s a significant problem to worry about in the here and now.

In the end there seems to be a great deal of care and respect between you two, in spite of the way things unfold. It feels as though there is greatness behind some unhelpful, instinctive habits (his apparent insecurity and your own frustrations). Do the issues surface because you aren’t able to spend enough time together? I feel that your career aspirations might not leave much time. I would try to stop the break up/get back together habit. You don’t say how many times this has happened but it feels like it might be more than a few times and may have become a “go to” habit in itself which the two of you keep falling into – maybe because there’s no one to help mitigate your issues.. it doesn’t sound like there is and that’s probably why you’re here!? I would do all you can to reassure him that your heart is in the right place. Even if he isn’t feeling insecure it’s a nice thing to hear, and I can’t think that it can do anything except pull you closer. I don’t know if this has been helpful – I’ve tried to juggle this as best as I can for an unprofessional reply, but please feel free to come back and let me know your thoughts. 🙂