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Making up/ Breaking up

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  • #55684
    Jessica
    Participant

    This is rather lengthy, but I desperately need advice.

    I am 24 years old, soon to be an RN. Nursing school is by far the most difficult thing I have ever attempted and I believe it has molded me (and continues to do so) in positive ways. I view myself as being strong, independent, competitive and determined.

    Growing up, I had a great childhood. My mother isn’t your typical “lovey-dovey” mom, but my father was wonderful. He may have spoiled me too much, not with materialistic items, but rather in love. When I was longer he drove me made me breakfast and drove me to school every morning, took me to every practice, and was so involved with everything I did. At times it was overbearing but now I look back and am very grateful for his love.

    I have always, always been in relationships. They each lasted at least a year and a half, and I am always the one who has lost interest or just wanted to be single. I would leave someone that I dated for a year and a half and had become so close with without ever looking back or even talking to them again. It didn’t bother me. After my last relationship, I was determined to be single. After all, that is what I wanted most: freedom. I remained single for a little over a year and I loved it. Looking back now, I realize how happy and content I was. I did whatever I wanted when I wanted to. But in November of 2012, I met someone who had the same interest as me and we hit it off immediately. We spoke everyday, all day. I never got tired of it. I knew I wanted to be single, but this guy did something to me that no one has ever done before. And to top everything off, we were so sexually attracted to each other and had such great energy together. (and this still remains true)

    The story really begins here. After meeting each other, we talked a while and officially began dating New Years Eve 2013. I was so happy. The women I work with and my girlfriends know how I am (anti-boy/relationship), so to see me so involved with someone shocked them. They said there was a difference in me and they could tell this guy was different to me. After a while, things became rocky… I have never been the jealous type or really cared what my boyfriends in the past did or who they spoke to, I was confident in myself and knew that I didn’t need them and if they wanted to leave or wanted someone else.. so be it. But with this guy, things began to change. I do not blame him, I take responsibility for my own actions, but I became the way that I am after he stared treating me this way: He would go through my phone, made me feel guilty about the people I had slept with in the PAST (which is a very short list and his is way longer)… he would accuse me of flirting with his best friends, and look at everything I did on social networking. At first it didn’t bother me, because I had nothing to hide and I really liked him. We had such good vibes together, none I have ever felt before. So I stayed in the relationship… It wasn’t until mid 2013 that I realized I was being a person I never wanted to be… I began to look at everything he did on social networking, get mad at him for girls “liking” his things… the craziest stuff made me so upset and I had NO idea why. So as this relationship continued, I feel the love continued to grow, but so did the mistrust… and neither one of us had ANY reason to not trust the other.

    Towards the end of 2013, we had been fighting EVERY single day. It was almost as if I didn’t argue with him about something, it didn’t feel right. Dealing with nursing school stress, money, and our relationship just got too much for me, and I left him. Even into the new year (2014) he texted me everyday that we were apart. Some texts were mean and drunk.. but most were him telling me how much he loves me and that he will never feel this way about someone. I decided to block him from everything so that we would have no contact and I could move on… something I have never had to do in my life. It lasted for about 3 months… until one night I saw him out. It hurt me so bad to see him and not be together or speak. The next night I decided to unblock his text messages and sure enough, he had been texting me. I decided to finally give in and let him come over to my new apartment and now here we are…

    At first things were alright… we said we know the way had acted towards one another and how jealous we were was ridiculous and that we weren’t going to be that way anymore. That lasted for a little bit but now its been just a little over a month and I feel like I am back at square one. Just 2 weeks ago he got upset and angry at the dumbest thing.. he asked me if I had cheated on him and asked if the one day he wasn’t at my house if I had someone else over…. which I find extremely insulting and offensive. (my best friend/roommate talks about how crazy it is he will act that way sometimes because it’s obvious how much I care about him). But don’t get me wrong, I am just as at fault… I have personal issues (specifically anger issues) that I am trying to deal with. There are times I am so angry and irritated at things I just can’t stand it. After receiving counseling and reviewing family history, my doctor is exploring the idea I may be bipolar, which would explain a lot. This guy I am with knows about this (I told very few people) and he is so supportive in many ways with it. He did a great deal of research into the mental disorder and says he understands why I am the way I am sometimes and that he is here for me.

    Not only was that thrown at me, but my Mimi died last Sunday on Easter. We were extremely close and she is the closest person I have lost. I am not handling it well. Of course it helps having him here to support me and encourage me to express my feelings and deal with it because that’s something I never do (according to him) is deal with things. I just push them off and forget about them.

    I guess the main point is that I love him. I know he loves and adores me. But although we can make each other the happiest people in the world, we can destroy each other. My friends do not like him anymore, and I feel like an idiot every time we break up and get back together. I am aware of my downfalls as a person and I am trying so hard (with or without him) to be a better, happier person (he says he feels the same way about himself). I just don’t know if that is something I am able to do and be with him, and it hurts me very much. We are currently not “together” and yesterday we didn’t speak at all (he is trying to give me space). The death of my Mimi and the pressure and stress of nursing finals and exams the past three weeks have been drowning me. I don’t know if he is something I need to let go of or if there is a way we could work out…

    And like I said, I know this is so long and probably scattered but any advice or words will be greatly appreciated…

    #55689
    buddha123
    Participant

    take your time to untangle the things in your mind & decide.. thats the only way to figure out.

    #55744
    Gavin
    Participant

    Wow.. this is a complex one isn’t it.. Firstly I’m sorry for your loss over Mimi. It’s hard to lose anyone, and it never helps when issues in life seem to collude and combine their impact. I have to say it seems like there are a few things going on here, but it does sound as though you two have something good. Your own flip between relationship and single status whilst knowing you like your own space is something I can relate to, and given that we’re brought up (should that be indoctrinated?) to believe that we should be in relationships and having kiddies etc.. just compounds problems when you try to ascertain how you feel about yourself and how you perceive your own life. I will start by saying that I don’t think there is just the “one, special person” for anyone. We are all ourselves the sum of many different personality pieces, so it’s only natural that there will be a lot of different people to whom we have greater or lesser compatibility. It does certainly seem as though he is a good alignment though, judging by how you both feel, so take heart in that. So how do we get closer to the issue? Well, I think the only way I can try and help is by being brave and looking a little closer at the two of you as people – for what my own thoughts may be worth.. sadly I too have neither a magic spell or superpowers.

    That you yourself are okay in your own space is not something to be underestimated these days. When one of the “right people” does come along I think it’s something of a culture shock for people who are okay in their own space, so I’d say that’s worth reflecting upon (for those who are clingy I would say almost any possible relationship would be perceived more as a dream come true, and they’ll launch themselves into it with no time for inner reflection – I’m pretty confident in this thought because I’ve been there. I have been that clingy person!). Anyway, I’d say that no matter how confident anyone might be within their self, a relationship will always cause a certain rise in personal anxiety – that’s your mindful sense of your own half of responsibility in the relationship. I’m almost sure you’ll have been there with these thoughts though. In a sense my saying that is maybe just me looking back at myself as I reply to this, since I’ve changed over the years from inadvertently clingy to more secure and independent!

    For his own behaviour I’m imagining that he’s come from a background where he’s perhaps not been as confident or comfortable in being on his own, and rightly or wrongly he’s been in and out of relationships which have all inflicted random effects upon him – maybe left him feeling even more unsteady about what constitutes a good relationship, and how he might react with a partner – then the two of you magically meet! You do say he’s had a lot more relationships, so I’d say it’s possible that his own sense of inner security is likely to have taken a bit of an unfortunate beating. Any paranoia may simply stem from the patterns he’s known up to now. Maybe before your first split he was nurturing a sense of disbelief in the brilliance of the situation, and some measure of panic that he may stand to lose you just as easily as he may have lost other relationships? Was it his behaviour that split previous relationships, or did he just experience a run of relationships which unfolded badly and left him with a few scary scars? When such feelings do begin to interfere with a relationship (not to mention those compound matters outside the relationship, such as work) I think it’s understandable that things would get mistrustful on both sides. I’m guessing your anger issues are going to make it difficult for things to go smoothly when you talk over fraught matters. For that side of the issue I’d say some introspection is needed (you probably feel this) – not a happy task uncovering things like that, but if I were you (and knowing something of anger issues myself) giving yourself the ability to just pause and allow his words to be heard without instinctively judging and replying emotively would give you space to hold that anger instinct in check and think compassionately about what he’s saying and how you might better reply. I too have had personal experience with the possibility of bipolar. Whether I am or not isn’t something which has been resolved since I haven’t felt it necessary to explore this any deeper than it was at the time, when I had a bad episode of stress a few years back. Buddhist principles have levelled me enough for me to find that space and peace of mind. I would hope that it would be so useful to other people! I assume as you’re here that you practice some “present moment mindfulness” yourself?

    Your friends? Well, maybe how your friends have reacted to your relationship has been causing a bit of chaos in your thoughts too? Their initial surprise would be one thing, and they even seem to have been supportive of it initially since you seem to indicate that they perceived the change in you as positive, so I wouldn’t worry too much about how they feel about the two of you splitting up and getting back together. It’s different for everyone and not all roads are smooth, nor do I believe that anything can be inferred by how rough or smooth any relationship goes – they’re all different. I think in the end it’s just whether you feel personally that it’s worth it. It seems that you do since you’re here talking about it! So whilst it may be prudent to use their feelings as a way of balancing your perspective I wouldn’t allow them to affect your choices. I wouldn’t seek to cause any hassles between you and your friends, but you seem to be very much more focussed upon the importance of matters between yourself and your other half over their opinions, and rightly so really since it is your life! Their opinion can carry some value, but I’m not convinced that’s a significant problem to worry about in the here and now.

    In the end there seems to be a great deal of care and respect between you two, in spite of the way things unfold. It feels as though there is greatness behind some unhelpful, instinctive habits (his apparent insecurity and your own frustrations). Do the issues surface because you aren’t able to spend enough time together? I feel that your career aspirations might not leave much time. I would try to stop the break up/get back together habit. You don’t say how many times this has happened but it feels like it might be more than a few times and may have become a “go to” habit in itself which the two of you keep falling into – maybe because there’s no one to help mitigate your issues.. it doesn’t sound like there is and that’s probably why you’re here!? I would do all you can to reassure him that your heart is in the right place. Even if he isn’t feeling insecure it’s a nice thing to hear, and I can’t think that it can do anything except pull you closer. I don’t know if this has been helpful – I’ve tried to juggle this as best as I can for an unprofessional reply, but please feel free to come back and let me know your thoughts. 🙂

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