Hello again!

First of all, I would like to say that I’m sorry to hear you’re finding yourself in that situation and that I can understand the type of mental trap you’re talking about. I have been there myself, and continue to be from time to time, but am taking steps to recover from it.

I’m not so sure if re-inventing yourself is what’s needed, more than bringing yourself back to life. It really does sound like your work environment is unhealthy for several reasons, and it seems to be unhealthy for everyone. Though that’s how things tend to go. There are companies which have a very unhealthy culture and everyone working there will eventually get sucked into it. It is very unfortunate and sad. Even if you can’t change your work environment, it is good to be aware of how it can affect you, if you’re not careful.

You need to protect your soul and nurture it with meaningful things. I haven’t read the books you listed, but I am kind of suspicious of books like the ones from Tim Ferriss. He sells this idea of an easy life, a kind of quick fix to things. How to have the perfect life with very little effort. You already know how it makes you feel when you’re forced to work on meaningless things that require very little effort. I’m also finding myself disliking books and programs that are mainly about psyching people up and getting inspired, but then fail to deliver anything meaningful.

At this point, I’ll suggest couple of books to you that I’ve enjoyed myself. I’m listening to both of them as audio books and haven’t finished them yet, but thus far I’ve really enjoyed them. I’ll also tell you why I like them.

One of them is Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson. The reason I like it, is because it offers an interesting combination of neuroscience and Buddhism; factual reality and spiritual things. It’s not your average self-help book, in my opinion, as there’s quite a lot of science. It’s not about hype, but actual, practical things. It has given me hope that it is possible to change unhealthy thought patterns. Just like the rest of your body, the brain adapts to how you use it. So even if focus would be difficult to come by without proper motivation right now, it should be possible to learn how to focus, even if you didn’t have to. I’ll come back to why I think focus is what you need.

Another book is Getting Things Done by David Allen. I know that it doesn’t sound like you have much to do at the moment, so a stress relief program on how to handle things efficiently might not sound like something you’d need. But his book is also solid, and also gives hope: knowledge work blurs the lines of work so much that it causes stress. Acknowledging this and knowing that I’m not alone in that helped me a lot. Knowledge work seldom has proper structure when it comes to time and effort. In your current work, they need your brain there, prepared to be used, but if it’s not needed, it’s expected to be idle. Is it any wonder that you’re in a state of lethargy, when you’re expected to be vacant. The lines blur, reality blurs, and your mind is easily exploited with idle gossip. It deteriorates your mind and hurts your soul.

I do think that you need to bring some focus back in your life, even if you don’t need it at work. Time and space are slipping from you, as you’re vacantly living and slowly lulling yourself into a state of non-being. You need structure and focus, and if the company you’re working for isn’t interested in providing that, then you must provide it for yourself. You need to protect your mind and your soul. If you need motivation, then that’s one. When people approach you with gossip, make a conscious effort to divert the conversation or to not allow yourself to be sucked into it. Inject purpose and meaning into things that you’re now taking for granted, turning it into a mindfulness practice and doing it because it heals your soul and makes you stronger. If you want to improve yourself, then do something that actually matters, and don’t get suckered into the fast food type of self-improvement culture that’s all talk and no action.

Whilst walking and photography can be good for the soul, the problem with those is that you can do both without paying much attention. Of course both things will transform completely if you start to do them soulfully. Yes, you can walk soulfully 🙂 Allow your senses to take in everything around you and pay attention to the way your body moves. Or with photography, photograph things with your whole body, not just with your mind. If that makes sense. Express your whole being, not just what is in your mind. You need to get out of your state of living in your mind, yet being vacant all the time. You can force yourself out of it by doing such physically straining things that you have no other option than to be fully present in your body, or you can just really make an effort to be mindful. It’s hard, but what choice do you have? You can’t stay in the state of mind you’re in right now and you can’t afford to allow laziness to guide your way out of laziness. No quick fixes, but actual hard work.

Writing this has been therapeutic for me as well. I am partly writing for myself. So, just so you know, you’re not alone in your state of being. I think that from reading your posts, you come across as a lovely person. You’re just stuck in a difficult situation and you need to fight against it to protect yourself.