John,

Its good to hear from you, though I’m sorry that your circumstances have become difficult. John, I know you know things that you’ve forgotten, stopped believing, stopped practicing. That’s OK, and normal, dear brother, and your stress-gazm makes sense. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we take the appropriate time to self nurture, such as meditation, walks in nature, listening to soft music, and so forth, we make space for the day’s ripples to unwind, relax. This is sometimes called “growing the tender shoots of compassion” or “of dharma”. If we stop good self care habits, we end up moving closer and closer to burnout. (Ie, an afflicted mental state… look around, say hi!)

The great news is you’re poised perfectly for breakthrough. You’re in the center of your maze, and panicked enough to let it go. My suggestion, sit right down and rekindle your heartsong. Intentionally set down the past, set down the future (illusions, history, dreams, fears) and just sit. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Grow some happiness intentionally.

Remember, these situations you’re in, have been through aren’t the source of the icky feelings. The icky feelings are from the ripples in the pool becoming intense, the mind running here, there and everywhere. Like a mare, over exhausted, frothing, seeking shelter and comfort. Take off the saddle, the pushing need to be elsewhere, and just breathe. That’s when you’ll be able to laugh, to play. Too see your life without dread, and instead see just how fertile it is, you are.

Namaste, brother, the light always dims when the fuel runs low.

With warmth,
Matt