There’s a saying that i have begun to believe very firmly now after repeated attempts to “help” people change for the better.

“You cant help someone who dont want to help themselves”

He sounds like someone with low self-esteem who has very high goals without putting in the efforts or dealing with the failures to finally get there. At the same time, i can sense a very strong self-defeating pattern – a dear friend of mine would often have these bursts of inspiration and then apply to very fancy stuff without developing the requisite credentials. When she failed, she would be further convinced that she was indeed a failure – do you see the pattern here? I feel that his frame of mind requires counselling based intervention (CBT for example) – of course getting him to go is going to be another ball-game altogether and i realize that. Its simply a heart-felt suggestion which i feel would help to break some distorted thinking patterns and teach him ways to stay disciplined despite his mood swings. He’s not listening to you people because in his mind, he already knows what you have to say – he is his harshest critic.

Secondly, if all else fails, no matter how painful it sounds, allow your mind to rest. I know you love him and he is your husband but you need to love you as well. Worrying yourself sick about his future is not going to help you or him in any way. Please for the love of God, stop trying to tell him what to do – when you do that, you automatically tell him this “I dont believe in your ability to do things on your own” – he barely believes in himself anyway and your well-intended “encouragement” is backfiring.

Therefore, in such a scenario, be patient – use language like “I am sure you will figure something out. I believe you will” or “Its going to be okay. You will figure something out. I am here with you” and when he tells you he wants to ditch something, tell him “Alright, i may not entirely agree because of xyz reasons but i am sure you will think about it. Whatever you decide, i am here for you”…etc etc Sometimes his sullen, moody reactions will confuse you but this will slowly reinforce the idea in his mind that you will actually listen to him without judgement.

Whenever he is having negative thoughts and you want to encourage him to positively, simply say “Alright honey, baby steps everyday. Its all part of the process. i do feel that you are perfectly capable of handling it and you’re gonna be fine. I am here for you” – say you love him, give him a kiss, smile, hug him – buckets and buckets of unconditional love is sometimes so much stronger than trying to “mother” someone to change, despite best intentions. Keep telling him you believe in him – dont tell him things like “you can do so much better, you need to stop being lazy, you are being irresponsible, why dont you ever listen to my advice?” – do you honestly think he doesnt realize that he’s not going the right way? Everyone he knows makes him feel like he’s screwing up.

Now this might sound like manipulation to some, but believe me, you have to trust him and get your point across in a non-judge mental way but ultimately leave it to him. He has to believe that you actually think he can make decisions.

The other members will have wonderful insights to offer. Dont worry so much 🙂 He is a wonderful man but he’s gotta believe that over time.

Good luck

Another thought ~ It’s hard I think esp. for people born in the 80s ~ the first generation to be lovingly spoiled and also the first to leave home to a world that doesn’t seem to want them. The 90s kids are already pessimistic. The difference is the expectations. The 70s kids? We were ignored growing up but then had little trouble starting out ~ we expected good jobs but they were actually there.

Support group? Life coach?

One of my sisters also seems to have an inordinately tough time out there. Same age range.