A few nights ago I went to a birthday party for one of my good friends of over 10 years. At the party I took the time to observe my surroundings and was awed by the quality of relationships I saw around me. Her friends are this big close-knit group who are also close to her family and boyfriend. They are all such nice, fun people and I was struck by how much everyone seemed to mesh and get along, have fun with each other, tell jokes, dance and just have a good time.

Seeing this made me evaluate the relationships in my life. I realize that even though I am friends with a good amount of people, they are all from different social circles and totally different walks of life. It’s almost like a random assortment of individuals who, despite being friends with me, are most definitely not friends with each other or are any of them really close to my family or boyfriend.

I imagined how awkward and strange it would be if i tried getting them all together in one place for a party or get together like this one. I just feel as though I lack that strong, coherent social structure. It hasn’t really been a bother to me before, but I guess seeing that something like this really exists first hand was so special. And i realize that this is something I want. And If I were to be truly honest with myself, I’m a bit jealous of my friend and what she has. And to me, jealousy is such a terrible feeling to have :/ and i wish the feeling would go away. Any thoughts on this?