@tash said:
Hello 🙂

Today my cat was laying in her box… just laying there for hours — waiting for the rain storm to pass before going back on a hunt.

I was shocked that I stood still to watch her laying still for as long as I did.

I got married because I was bored with dating.

I had kids because I got bored with all my hobbies.

I sing and write music – but I get bored with it easily and want to be in an even better choir – traveling the country… or better yet – the world!

Someone said I had trouble ‘sitting with myself’. I would been working an ACA program for people who grew up in dysfunction of any sort or alcoholic homes. We learn to expect chaos – and need it to feel normal. It’s a drag. I am getting so much better personally – at staying in the moment, and enjoying the person I am, or in other words – my own company stripped of people, bling, stuff, boats, campers etc etc (funny I did the same thing with campers and boats and lake houses etc). I suppose I craved the calm – and in my mind – it was great, but when I got there – it was not how I thought it would be. It was work, I couldn’t sit and enjoy anything at all…

Today I am compelled to pull over the car and watch the sunset alone.

I can sit on the porch of said lake house and listen to nature. I can spend time with people connecting instead of fantasizing or entertaining or being ‘a monkey’.

It’s better.

I hope this for you. xxxx

I have been working towards this for what seems like forever but actually only abut a year or so. I made a promise to myself that i would “stop and smell the roses” and i have kept that promise daily. The time i spend alone, observing, admiring i find leaves me feeling like a fake. I sit quietly trying to truly see the beauty of this world, finding beauty in the norm but come away unfulfilled. I feel like i am trying to convince myself this is what i want rather than feeling the reward of the stillness. Dont get me wrong; i have made progres. I am not the man i was 3 years ago. I am better, stronger more loving and compassionate. But alway find myself leaning back to what has worked for me in the past as I do not know how to exist in this new role i have sought.