I am writing because of the confusion I am feeling surrounding my recent breakup with a boyfriend of three years. I met him when I was 18 and we dated all through my college years with the exception of my very first semester and very last semester. We just broke up this past February, so it’s still pretty fresh. He was my first love, which has made things harder I think. Our relationship was long distance for the the latter 2.5 years; he was in the city where we are both from and I was a few hours away going to school.

We broke up suddenly when he came to me and informed me that he had been using heroin for about the last year prior. I was completely shocked because I had no idea he was using drugs. I only saw him a few times a month since we were long-distance, so it was easy for him to hide this from me, although looking back now, the signs were definitely there. I was aware that he had a history of abuse of painkillers and depression, but as far as I knew he had recovered from it. He had mentioned to me a few times that he was “sick” and had told me that he was sad all the time, but I guess I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. I figured if he didn’t want to seek help, it probably wasn’t that bad. When he told me he had been using drugs I was extremely angry and sad at the same time. I immediately said that things were over because that wasn’t something that I wanted to take on as his girlfriend. I was about to graduate college and move away for the summer, and then to start my career. Having to deal with his baggage was going to hold me back, especially since I realized that he had been struggling for a very long time; I had no idea how long it would take him to recover again. To some that probably sounds really harsh, but he had always been a few steps behind me, despite being 4 years older. He was never as motivated as I was, and never had any true life goals that I knew of. The timing was all wrong for something like this to happen.

I felt completely betrayed and like the person I was in a relationship with wasn’t the person he truly was at all. I went through so many emotions during the following weeks and months. The day after he told me about his drug use, he was checked into a rehab facility for a few weeks and then went to another one with a 28 day program. So for those weeks I was not in touch with him at all. I sought counseling through my school, and had much support from family and friends during that time. I thought I was doing great and I was confident in my decision to end the relationship. However, now that I have finished college/am not as preoccupied, I have had a lot more time to reflect on the relationship, and more time to grieve. Not long after he had been out of rehab, when I had moved away, we talked on the phone in order to clear the air and to make sure there were no hard feelings. The conversation only lasted about 20 minutes and afterwards I felt better that I had told him that I wasn’t mad at him and that I wanted both of us to move on. He asked if we could please stay in touch. I wasn’t sure about it because I knew keeping in touch would make it harder to move on, but I thought I could handle it. We talked on the phone a couple more times in the following weeks, and suddenly I am completely heartbroken all over again.

He keeps telling me that the things I was unsatisfied with in our relationship were a result of his depression and drug use. We argued a lot, usually over communication related issues. He had a short temper, not towards me so much as just other little things that happen in life, like spilling a drink or misplacing your car keys. I hated the tone of voice he would use with me sometimes and the way he reacted when I would bring it up. I hated how messy and unorganized he was. I hated that he was always waiting until the last minute to take care of things. He always wanted to sleep. He hated waking up early and doing things like I did, and he never made the effort to join me in things I enjoyed, like cooking. He has since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and is now on the correct medications that have helped him significantly, he says, and has been clean for about 4.5 months. I can definitely tell a difference in him. He seems more confident and happy. He is pursuing hobbies and goals that he has, and is spending a lot more time with his family, which I’m really happy about. He says that his biggest motivation to stay healthy has been losing the most important thing to him, which was me.

Having said all the negative things, I also have to elaborate on all the great things about him. Never have I been able to connect with another human the way I connect with him. He is the only person in the world that completely understands me; the way I think and the way I behave. He knows what I need emotionally, and he knows how to comfort me and build me up the way no one else does. He was always been extremely supportive of me in everything I do and in every aspect of my life. I can talk to him about anything at any time, I can be completely open and honest, and he is always interested in what I have to say and always listens to me completely and gives genuine, thoughtful responses. He has such a kind heart and always does whatever he can to help people. He treats others with respect and kindness always. And most of all, he loved me more than I can ever imagine being loved by someone else. He was constantly reminding me how much he loved and cared about me, how great he thinks I am, and how proud he was of me for how hard I worked for what I wanted. At this point, it seems like I will never be able to find a person like that again. We were so alike in so many ways and I really feel like I’ll never have a bond like that with anyone else.

I know that I need to give myself time to grieve the relationship more, but in the back of my mind I keep feeling like I may have made a mistake. Should I have stood by his side when he was going through this? Have I lost “the one”? I thought I was going to marry him and have children with him. And I was excited about that prospect. I have been told plenty of times that there is no “perfect” partner. Each person has to be willing to sacrifice and compromise sometimes. Are his issues what I should have compromised on? Do the great things about him outweigh the bad? If he really is as different now as he says, do I give him a second chance? But how do I know this isn’t going to happen all over someday? And the other big thing is, I don’t know how I will ever get my family to trust him again, or convince them that getting back with him is a good decision. My mom has made it very clear that she will not support that relationship again. Having her approval is important to me, but at the same time, it’s my life and I feel that she can never fully understand our relationship.

I am sick of being sad about this breakup, and I wish there was a way to know what the right decision is in this case. How do I know that I won’t regret breaking up with him/giving him a second chance for the rest of my life? Any insight or wisdom would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading.