Hi,

Not sure where to start or if this is the right topic to post, because a lot of issues are though for me, but also related to relationships.

I have been in my current relationship for 14 years and we have children. I moved to his country of origine and that is where I started building my life. Leaving behind family and friends. It has been a rough ride and last year we hit a very rough patch that made me move back temporarily to my homecountry with the children. My mother at the same time was in her last stage of her life and I got to spend some time with her before she passed.

Grateful for being able to be with her for a couple months, grateful to show my children their other heritage, but so extremely disspointed in some of my friends.

At this point I have said goodbye to all of them and one of those friends was my best friend forever…that relationship was toxic, but still a meaningful friendship to me and it just broke my heart that all the promises that she had ever made, like having your back in hard times, was worth nothing.

I feel aweful because maybe I am just plain selfcentered….

So, my life fell apart, my mother was dying and at the same time, this friend happens to have a first stage of breastcancer, she needed time alone she said, so I respectfully gave her her space, to only have it thrown back in my face for not talking to her in the weeks before when asking her when she had to go for surgery…..

At that time I just felt more miserable then ever, not being able to finish my journey of trying to make it in my homecountry. I felt lonely, not understood and not competent enough to go through with my mission. Trying to see if I was going to come back home forgood.

My husband missed us dearly at that time and I just felt like nobody loved me but him, and went back. Things are better between us, but I still have these feelings of resentment, that nobody understood what I was going through, that nobody wanted to help me and that I was left on my own….

My mom eventually passed, flew back home again but my “best friend” never did not even bother to send me a text on the day of her burial, too busy with flying out of the country on a vacation.

Now I am trying to pick back up my life and I just feel like I am not able to pull myself together. Still unsure about if I made the right choices, why did nobody came to my help, but more that I feel resentment about all she has said in the past and not pulling through when I needed her, at the same time feeling selfish for my emotions understanding that she needed help too.

I have banned her out of my life, gone from my facebook and any other social media is blocked. I want to start over…but I can’t….too depressed, lonely and having no one to talk to.

I have no new friends here, I moved to a total new place with my husband where we do know anybody to give it a fresh start, but inside I can’t move on and start being a hero, started two studies to make a career change and it’s just not working out because of all my old emotions…

I might be rambling, I am just lost and lonely, sad and depressed, shamed over my life choices and going down a dark path I am afraid.