Hi Little Buddha,

Do I think codependency is real? Yes and no. These days I tend to see things more along the lines of immature/mature behaviour and thinking patterns in relationships (with oneself and with others). For example, co-dependents tend to have relationships with narcissists. Seeing those two as completely different ways of dealing with things can lead to missing out on the similarities, which is, both having very childish views of how relationships should work. A healthy, emotionally mature person isn’t going to have a relationship with neither a codependent nor a narcissist. Yet, those two (and a whole host of other personality disorders) tend to flock together. I have personally actively started to let go of the pathology and rather look at things at the maturity spectrum.

As an example, your solution to finding out that you might be codependent was to never make the same mistake again and seek someone who absolutely doesn’t need your help and is completely independent. The solution in itself is a bit of an overreaction. I find immaturity to be very black and white and simplistic with extremes, whereas with maturity, the nuances start to matter a lot more. Trust me, you do not want to have a relationship with anyone who would call themselves “fiercely independent”, as an example. That’s just another way of being unable to be in a healthy relationship with others. In a healthy relationship, there is an appropriate amount of independence and dependence. A balanced approach.

Please note that I’m not using the word “immature” as a derogatory term. It’s just that the raw emotional reactions are very…well “raw” 🙂 It’s how we start out, and with time and growth, if given the possibility, the way we experience things will mature, ripen. We develop boundaries, learn how to behave appropriately, understand and accept that there are differences between people, and so on. If someone hasn’t had a chance to develop their emotional maturity, those problems still exist in relationships, even as an adult. Also note that I don’t think it is binary, that either you’re completely immature or you’re really mature. It’s more of a scale and even mature people have moments of immaturity. When it comes to adult relationships, I think it’s more about how consistently people behave and are they able to learn and grow along the way. Moving from a reactionary way of living to a more mindful type of living, from rigidness to flexibility, from absolutes to nuances.

I have been to Al-Anon meetings, which is a support group for family members and friends of alcoholics. My father was an alcoholic, and whilst I didn’t really blame his alcoholism for my relationship problems, the dysfunctional relationship patterns in my childhood obviously did create a lot of problems for me down the line. I wasn’t that taken by the 12 steps, nor am I convinced that it’s a good idea to focus on alcoholism as a disease. To me it was always more of a symptom, rather than a cause. Regardless, those meetings turned out to be incredibly valuable. Seeing my own behaviour and thinking patterns in other people was very enlightening. Also the atmosphere in general was very healing to me.

I think you get out of them what you want to get out of them. I was there with some people who were kind of going through the motions and the 12 steps, but with a bit of intellectual and emotional dishonesty. There are a lot of people who say that they are working on themselves, but actually do not do the really hard parts. I found that it requires a lot of humility to accept that your ways of dealing with your emotions and other people and yourself are flawed. I mean, the whole behaviour patterns have emerged from the need to protect oneself from harm, and then you’d have to all of a sudden be exposed and vulnerable? It’s not easy and no amount of support group meetings will help unless you are willing to have a bit of trust and get to the core of issues.

There are books on codependency, but I’ve taken a liking to David Richo, who doesn’t directly write about codependency, but I think his views are still valuable.

Just, don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time to change certain patterns, and there are a lot we’re not even aware of. We just think that they’re normal, because that’s how we’ve always behaved. But I think that with practicing patience and compassion, the right kind of patterns start to emerge.