Rahel,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how tasteless and dull things can appear, inside and outside. Sometimes when we’ve been through trauma, we turn inward, do a lot of self examination. This can help examine, uproot, and heal old wounds, but it can also lead us to excessive self focus. Instead of gently finding our heart, our tender space, and growing it outward, we start on a quest to vanquish or destroy the piece of us that is holding us back. A few things same to heart as I read your words.

Aside from TRs already loving advice, consider that your mind and body may be at odds with each other, mistrusting each other. Being abused so young, your body perhaps feels as though your mind is faulty, doesn’t guide your body well. Your mind perhaps feels betrayed by your body, for various reasons, including being so vulnerable, so needy. This is normal, causes much spinning, and does settle as you approach yourself with more gentle care.

To get there, though, there is a part of yourself that needs to be reclaimed, that is missing. Its as if an angel came down and grabbed a portion of your spirit, bringing it away from your body, so you would be able to experience the abuse without breaking, without your heart dying. Reclaiming that part of yourself is about accepting that back then, you were helpless. You were a baby, so young, and incapable of protecting yourself. You had little defense against your abuse, either understanding it, stopping it, knowing to stop it, what to do next. Of course you’d be disoriented. Of course you would have lasting effects that would take a long time to understand and heal.

From a different direction, imagine a young tree, a sapling, that had her roots attacked. Not enough to kill the dear sapling, but enough that the tree fell. As she grew, her roots did find soil, but the trunk never righted itself, never stood back up. How could it? Its just a tree. As she begins to talk with other trees, she notices that others are different, others stand up, while she lays down. A standing tree perhaps says “find self care”, “be kind to yourself”, or any number of things, but the advice, the tenderness offered doesn’t seem to help, meant for standing trees. “You don’t understand”, the sapling responds, “I’m sideways, this is who I am.”

And its true, the sapling is sideways, but just as a result. There is nothing wrong with her, nothing amiss. A very natural place, normal, usual. Laying on her side, her roots still found the soil, still found enough nourishment to keep her watered, alive. But her tender leaves haven’t found the sky.

Bringing this back to your specific situation, standing up will be a two part process. Some of the roots have to be trimmed, because they’re holding you flat. Then, as you stand, you have to take time and effort to grow new tender shoots, new roots, while working against gravity. Said differently, you have some ruts of thinking, habits of thinking, and you’ll have to put in some sweat, grit, and elbow grease to grow upward. Form new, healthy habits of thinking.

To clip the old roots that keep you sideways, consider accepting that you are not defined by your past. You aren’t just “some way”, “stuck being this type of person.” Hogwash, garbage. You have habits, sure, much like a woman that breaks her toe has a limp. That doesn’t make her a “limper in a world of normal people.” Rather, she has a limp, no biggie. You have ruts, patterns, that cause you to act predictably, but its not “you”, just a limp. Because it happened so young, the limp seems like your normal walk… but its still a limp. Now just fear of placing weight on that foot. Just fear of trusting your body and mind. To clip these roots, “these appearing ruts will fade” or “the limping is just limping, normal, and I wish to learn to walk.”

The way gravity is going to pull at you is “yes, but I am…” or “yes, but I’ve tried…” or “yes, but I’m different…” and so forth. Basically, you’ll feel a pull to reject and deny outside help. “But I’m used to laying sideways, I don’t know how to stand” and so forth. All just habit, habitual mental processes… you not only know how to stand, but your body is aching for it, calling you to solve it. Your leaves want the freedom of the sky, its part of us, sings to us. This is what puts the pressure to blurt your life story or grab at any open heart.

When we feel an imbalance in ourselves, its very normal to dump/blert/share with on an available person. Dump and dump, telling the sorrows of your story, issues, hopes, dreams. Then, as you finish, you realize what you’ve done, and expect the other person to dislike you, judge you. So you shut out their hug, close off from their heartfelt response. Which is normal, usual, and leftover from the past, when you received some painful deep touches. Part of the limp.

All this being said, the path to healing from this pattern is opening to the world around you in a safe space. When we have a split like this, a body and mind in conflict with each other, we overcome it by slowly, tenderly opening to the reality around us. Set aside the whole “need to heal Rahel” or “figure out the maze of who i am” for a time, and just bring your concentration to the present moment, resting in your perceptions, intentionally moving away from the past and future, into the trunk, into the body.

Consider watching “Ajahn Jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube. You say you have a still mind, but that’s false. Your mind is very bouncy, low on concentration, flitting here and there and everywhere, blurting, erupting, running away. This is the portion that was hidden, kept safe by an angel. But now, older, wiser, and safer, its OK to bring that back. To bring your attention to where you are, to concentrate again on what is happening around you, within you. Jayasaro describes a method that helps grow concentration, gives the mind something to do that hones, sharpens our attention. Before moving onto other things, this is needed, especially here, for you, in my opinion. Your mind needs to quiet enough that you’re feeling your body, feeling the breath, feeling the emotions that are present. That’s where all the keys are, that’s where you’ll find your answers.

Finally, consider finding a local abuse survivor support group. More than words on the internet, it can help a lot if we find others that have gone through similar things, and struggle with similar results. That’s when you’ll know that hugs given to you are authentic, from a place of knowing you. There are plenty of hands that would be willing to hold yours, but you have to let them pull you along, instead of playing tug-of-war. Growing concentration first will help this, because you’ll be able to choose what to do instead of feeling a victim of your own habits. We can choose to step aside from our past, when we have the space to go somewhere else.

With warmth,
Matt