Wow…I’m so sorry this pain has caused such a riff, but it does sound like you will get through it as a couple.

For me, the most important thing is to take responsibility for MY side of the situation. So here, you TOLD him he could go… You sound like a very bright articulate woman and I’m pretty sure you know what happens at strip clubs: boobs, butts, sexy outfits, pole-dancing, and lap dances. That’s what happens at those places, so it should not have been ANY surprise to you that’s what indeed happened. It’s like trying to say, “I said you could go to the amusement park with your friends, but I didn’t think you’d actually ride any of the rides??” Sounds kinda silly when you think of it that way, don’t you think?

The lying is problematic, but, as at least one other reply (and you yourself) mentioned, ambushing him right upon awakening was probably not the best set-up for a healthy discussion. I tend to agree with Danielle, that he probably just did a knee-jerk reaction, then regretted it; you can tell because he confessed within a few days. Personally, I don’t think you should have even asked him about the night, in a way it’s none of your business. Again you know what goes on in a strip club, and that’s where he went, so…

Here are a few lessons I see that you could take away:

1. Your husband asked for your input on this important event. He values your input and your opinion; if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have even bothered asking but just told you what he would be doing.

2. Being true to yourself means being honest with your preferences. If he asks, be HONEST.

3. When reasonable things happen at reasonable places and times, don’t be surprised.

4. Your husband loves you, and sounds like a good man who made a mistake (in the lie). He ended up revealing it, and is working with you on the repercussions, and that’s just about as good as it gets really.

Good luck in your new life with him – try to be present with whatever life brings you today, and no matter what, ALWAYS To Thine Own Self Be True (Shakespeare)

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