First, I know how you feel. I have felt the same way. There is a solution, being of service to others.

Try this, close your eyes and take a deep breath, as you slowly let it out think of the life you are feeling right now. At this very moment there is nothing to fear, nothing to be disappointed in, all that stuff is in the future, not right now. However, right now is all we have, the only time and place we can ever do anything. This moment is a blessing. Feel the Gratitude! Gratitude feels wonderful, it feels your soul, it is limitless. We always have the breath of life right now to feel grateful for, therefore this feeling is available to us always.

I carefully read every word you wrote looking for indications of your service to others (taking care of others, doing anything that did not provide you a direct reward). The fact that I did not see anything does not mean that you don’t do anything, but that it is not in your perspective, or the way you view your life.

This “pain” that you are feeling is a good thing, because now you are willing to change.

I spent most of my day yesterday volunteering for organizations, driving people around, calling family members offering to perform tasks. Yes I have done these things before but reluctantly, eager to get them over quickly. Now I pause several times each day and am thankful for this moment, at that time, and the freedom for Fear and Ego (self deprecation is just another for of Ego not the opposite that one would think it is).

A person such as me has to go deep into service and self-sacrifice to avoid the worry and depression that my Ego causes.