@staranna – what you say is so true and thank you for being so kind. I know I was and still am addicted to my ex. It’s slowly sinking in the what I miss is not necessarily all about her, but my desire to get that love an attention again. And those high moments with her when things were at their best. I fear that I may never love that deeply again. I have fear of moving on.

I used to be fairly confident and excited about what my future may bring. But now, a year after the BU and a month after turning 40, I’ve lost a lot of hope and confidence. I wasted a year trying to get over my ex and being very depressed and I can’t get that year back. I finally see that light at the end of the tunnel but I haven’t been meeting anyone new. Mostly that’s my fault for not getting myself into those situations.

Forgive me if this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am just expressing what’s on my mind now. I feel very, very lonely. I miss the companionship of being with someone I love. I miss the intimacy, the activities, doing things for each other, taking small trips, just all of it. Being connected emotionally and physically. And because I do not see any potential for someone to come along, not even if it’s just for sex, makes me very sad (and this is where I may be feeling sorry for myself).

Sometimes I feel that even though my ex and I were toxic for each other, I had reached the pinnacle of dating with her. If I ever get married, I don’t want to settle. But in order for that chance to happen, I need to meet someone.

@Popi – i can’t and don’t want to delete my social media accounts. my ex did me a favor and blocked me from all of them so, on the bright side, i can’t change my mind and unblock her. I use social media a lot to communicate with friends and family. I blocked her number on my iPhone, that’s the best I could do.

I think I have been in denial about living in the past. It kind of hit me this morning. I thought I was not doing that as much but I realized I am doing more than I think. Yes, I try to stay in the moment and to be thankful for what I have. If/when I think of the future, I try to stay positive. The hard part is staying in the moment. Being constantly grateful, and always looking forward for the future.

You see, I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, depression, low self esteem, and abandonment issues for my entire life. I’m just now trying to address it and “fix” it but it’s incredibly hard. It seems so daunting, which, in turn, adds to all the issues I’ve just listed.

My biggest fear is to grow old, lonely, never have been married, and never had any kids.