Well, I am putting this out there in the universe because I need to vent. I am having a bad few months and sometimes feel like giving up. I decided after nearly 4 years of marriage and more than 8 years of being in a relationship (most of my twenties) that it was time for a divorce. Soon I am turning 31. I know that I still have so much of my life ahead of me. I feel happier being by myself. I feel like me again. Since I left I feel free. So why do I have so much anxiety about the actual divorce proceedings? I guess only I can answer that. I don’t think that I want to be with him anymore. Maybe it is just the stigma of being “divorced”? I keep telling myself…I am not going to be a “divorced” person… I am going to be a “single” person once again.

Part of the problem is that I gave up a lot of myself to please this person. I moved so far away for him. I don’t really like where I live. I would have never chosen to live here. I am unhappy with the area and the people that live here.

After separating I found a job nearby to where we were living that pays well and seemed like it had good benefits. WRONG! I feel like a slave. I work excessive hours and am exhausted, unhappy, feeling sick and stressed. I still have 6 months left on my contract and probably shouldn’t leave early. I don’t want to. But I feel like I am not going to make it.

The worst part about the job is that my boss and the payroll clerk are really nasty and mean people. I am from a far away place and feel like I don’t fit in with anyone here. I never really made friends since moving. All of the friends that we had contact with during the realtionship were my ex’s friends. After separating I have virtually no one. I have tried to make friends at work. I find that either the people are flakey, I am misunderstood by them, or we just don’t have enough in common to maintain anything. My boss and the payroll clerk are also very good at alienating me. They have longstanding relationships (professional and personal ones) with the majority of my coworkers. I have heard rumors about what they say. They think that I am arrogant because I come from another place. That I am not qualified and overpaid, (even though I have more credentials than they do) I have only a few years experience (even though I have received very good evaluations for my present and past work).

Sometimes I feel the stress and anxiety affecting my health. I try to eat well and go to the gym. Sometimes my work hours are so excessive that I don’t have the time or energy to do anything. I am having health problems and I am sick and tired of living like this.

I don’t know…I have a financial need to stay until my contract ends. I still have 6 months. My family says that I should just hang in there. But some days, like today, I just feel like I can’t. I need some guidance or maybe I need to meditate on this. I am usually a happy and optimistic person, I usually tell myself that everything will be fine. But I have had a bad few days. I … don’t …know….what…to….do.