Hi Bill,

Based on what you said, it sounds like you are going through a phase of reviewing all the choices you’ve made in life. Whilst that is natural, an over focus of the negative aspects of our lives can sabatage our relationship with others. I find this to be especially true when committment is required (because there is always a little voice on the back saying what if it didn’t work?) and no matter how much others praise you or what your achievements are, it can never drown out the constant voice of self doubt.

Sun Tzu once said that “The effective general is one who win first then enters into battle. The ineffective general goes into battle first and then seek to win”. Before you go into a mode of “doing” consider spending a bit of time to invest in how you percieve yourself and the world. Pratice gratitude (e.g. some people keep a diary on the things they are greatful about), be aware of your feelings (meditation helps), weed out self criticism (e.g. if you wouldn’t criticise a friend the way you criticise yourself, then you know it’s too much) and reframe negative thoughts that are not helpful (e.g. instead of focusing on being single, think of it as an opportunity to meet someone amazing). These things will help you to focus on the present rather than your past or your future.

People are writing a lot of things here, and I’d probably love to be another one who’d join in and give some very enthusiastic and sincere advice. Bill, please thank all the people here who have lovingly offered to help you. Not that I’m demanding you do, just it’s something I wish.

So, I am only 24 myself, but I have many of the same thought patterns as you do, it seems.
I AM one of those young people you envy, and I also do the same patterns of taking small opportunities and failing to make them more long-term. I don’t seem to grow very much and years will go by and it feels like I’ve lived only a couple of months. Especially for what I can show of it.
I am often wondering what I’m going to do or where I am going to end up. I have surmised that I will be taking much more control of my influence and attractiveness, happiness, etc, WELL before I am your age and in that much less of a good spot to make freedom out of my predicament.
I’m doing more than guessing here that your predicament and mine are identical on many levels. You have ended up where I do not want to be later on down the line, even though I spend my days half-arsing and wasting them selfishly on sensory pleasure, like excessive sugar and occasional masturbation, although I have been in a relationship this year which isn’t really going many places, but it’s sweet.

I also envy younger people, and sometimes wish I could begin secondary school again, where I could have been more outgoing and given less thought to what people thought of me, which might have filtered out the friends I didn’t REALLY want and been left with the freakier ones who would have reflected my inner workings a bit more. I often have very immature thoughts and reactions and pity myself for it because I have had better friends and co-workers who are doing more than me, excelling better socially and I do wish I could be in their skin for a week at times.

My brain too goes into stupid unhelpful patterns of self-criticism that only make taking further opportunities that much more scary and hesitating more strong. It’s got more momentum to NOT do it, again……………………………..again……again…..
etc.

So, if you are reading this, which I hope you are (which I can only do is hope, or intend if I’m a bit more confident and actually use people for my own purposes {which isn’t such an unfair trade, when you think it out, or write it out, right??} )

I also don’t use the spiritual practices and mindfulness practices very often. Well, sometimes I do, and they work very well because I sincerely wanted my own change, even just change of feelings or change of mind, so it changed. Almost magically, it’s that easy. Also, that easy to leave alone… you see.
I did not keep up any of the practices or meditations, and haven’t done for more than one day at a time in over 5 years of knowing them and contemplating them. I seem to enjoy getting high from thinking and contemplating every now and then. It’s not too bad.

So, it seems that if you want lasting (or MORE lasting) change in the way you interpret things or make choices and GO WITH the patterns in your brain that you hear and inevitably live out when you seem to make choices, you’re going to have to make a long-term progression or disciplined effort to change them. There are a bazillion techniques and meditations to contemplate out there which people love to invent and sincerely tell you about unselfishly, but perhaps you just need to try anything, but keep it up as much as it is helping you. Faking it is nonsense, even for a day. It might be your last day, of course!! Haha 😀

There is another thing you can do. I am a believer in this, although I also believe it is short term gain and should be treated as medicines. If you would like to experience what you said you were seeking in your second, shorter message, try to attain psilocybin mushrooms. Eat them. Eat a large amount. Whatever kind they are, verify them and eat more than 5 grams of dried mushrooms. There are untold myriads of plants that will help you in these matters from this planet, and those kinds of mushrooms are right up there with the most helpful of plants and vegetables that will confer different ways of seeing your life, magically. If you want it, those kinds of plants will jolt you into seeing a compassionate life and amazing future like perhaps nothing else can.

Also, the best advice I’d give, or share, is just to remember your death, and those who have worked to have you here, and those who will come after you are gone. Your life is only borrowed, it is for the benefit of all the others.

So, goodbye, have a helpful evening wherever you are.

Ciaran

Bill,

I share your feelings. I am constantly reflecting on the losses and mishaps in my life. I have been in and out of therapy for over twenty years. I’ve bebeen on meds and feel like ‘life has passed me by.’

It saddens me greatly. I didn’t feel like I have any lasting or meaningful friendships/relationships. I question my work. I don’t see much worth in me.

I realise that it’s my mindset. The comments speak about changing this. Yet, how this is done escapes me.

I feel like I need step by step instructions. When a counselor gives me work to do, step by step instructions, I feel better. I can do them.

It’s difficult for me to figure out how to apply the steps.

I am asking this online community for help with this. Please.

I read above about mindful meditation. Ok. I am willing to do this. Yet, who do I listen to? When? How often?

Advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated.

thank you

john