Hi Holly,

Relationship break ups are tough and it’s natural to want to know why things didn’t work out and how a person can be in love with you one day and give you the cold shoulder on the next. Sometimes, it seems so unfair that one person can make a decision that can cause you so much pain without a proper explaination. Having been on both sides of a break up, I found that it is not always easy to articulate exactly what the issue is and if something feels wrong, there is no way to use logic to argue my way back in again.

To answer your first question, with most break ups where I was the initiater, it’s not something that I woke up one day thinking “aha, today is the day”. There usually is a build up and a lot of thinking before you break the news to the person because it’s a hard thing to do and you want to be sure that’s the right decision. So in that sense, your ex had a much further head start then you in the grieving process, which is probably why he moved on so quickly.

For your second question, it seems unlikely that your ex will feel differently in the future because of how messey the break up is. Having dealt with a couple of real stalkers, I can tell you that none of them considers themselves as such and it almost never starts with a big crazy thing. It usually starts with them initiating contact with the other person repeatedly (and as the reciever, you do feel harassed after a while), get hurt and frustrated each time they are ignored, use this hurt to justify their more outlandish behaviours and eventually, they would have given away so much of their dignity that there is nothing left but an all consuming obessession for the other person. The more this plays out, the less desirable they become.

So my advice, don’t put the key of your happiness in someone else’s pocket.