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Advice about recent ex

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  • December 21, 2014 at 12:34 pm #69576
    Holly
    Participant

    I will try to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I was with my ex for about 9 months. He pursued me heavily at the beginning, and throughout the relationship he told me how much he loved me. Even in the end, it was all about how amazing of a woman I am and how he may never find anyone that compares to me. He decided to break up with me because he said he could not give me what I wanted right now. He said he did not know how to please me. This came from the fact that I have never been married and I have no children. He went through a bad divorce and has two kids. He always thought I was pressuring for marriage, etc. Which I was not, I was not even sure if he was the one I wanted to marry. At any rate, he broke up with me and then went the No Contact path.

    I didn’t understand it. We had communicated so much and I didn’t understand how he just wanted to stop talking to me. So admittedly, I was a total fool and contacted him for 3 weeks after the break up via email. I don’t even know how many emails I sent, but they were all very kind. I was only mean to him once and then I apologized after. Let me say, I have no excuse for my behavior and the amount of times I contacted him. The only thing I can say is the grief was horrible and I lost my mind. I just needed to hear from him. The more he ignored me, the more I wanted to talk to him.

    He wrote my sister, my best friend, and my mom emails. Said it just didn’t work and it was as hard for him as it was for me. That the only way we could heal is to sever the ties completely and have absolutely no communication. He said I was an amazing woman, the smartest he has ever known, etc etc.

    Actually, I only contacted him for 2 weeks really. Because the entire 3rd week after the break up, I fell silent. I didn’t email, I didn’t call, I didn’t text…I just let go. Well, a friend sent me a text with a picture of him and a new girl on Facebook 3 weeks after the break up. And I had lunch with his Mom the same day. When I got the text, I broke my vow of silence and I emailed him to let him know how happy I was for him. (this was after I had been silent for a week) I said he moved on fast, but all I wanted was for him to be happy and I was happy for him. He then deleted my friend from Facebook and blocked everyone I know. The next day, I emailed him again like a moron, and just said I really wanted some closure, if he could just tell me why he hates me or say he doesn’t…either way the no contact thing only made it worse for me.

    He wrote me back a few hours later and said he was writing because I requested it. He said that it would be the final time he ever spoke to me. He told me to move on with my life and said he had contacted authorities and they agreed that I had harassed him. He said he did not want to involve the authorities, but that he would. He said to never ever contact him again and he was making it clear that he never wanted to hear from me again.

    Clearly, I was upset and angry and I responded that if he wanted to threaten me, we could go down that road. I know a lot about him that could potentially get him in trouble and I told him I would be on my way to the police department and it was not a joke. Well, I left work and when I made it in to town, he was already at the police department. I was bluffing, and I guess he took it seriously.

    So, this is the thing…I know this all sounds wacko- but here are the questions I have and the advice I need.
    Clearly, I will never contact him again, that is not even an option.
    1) How is it that he loved me so much supposedly, thought I was so amazing and the best woman he has ever known, but within 3 weeks he could turn so cold that the FIRST TIME he had anything to say to me after the breakup, he was threatening harassment charges?
    2) Although I will never contact him again, is there a chance that with time, the way he feels will change and he will no longer hate me for contacting him so much? Is there a chance at all that he will ever regret treating me this way?

    I have honestly never done anything to him besides contacting him too much. And even then I was not mean except for once. I just wanted answers that he would not provide.

    I know 100% if I had just shut my stupid mouth and not contacted him, he would have come running back. I made it awful and I pushed him away so I know that part is my fault. I just didn’t know how to deal. Let me also be clear that I ONLY sent him emails and I texted a few times. I never ever ever went near him or his home. I never stalked in any way.

    December 21, 2014 at 1:31 pm #69578
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Holly,

    Relationship break ups are tough and it’s natural to want to know why things didn’t work out and how a person can be in love with you one day and give you the cold shoulder on the next. Sometimes, it seems so unfair that one person can make a decision that can cause you so much pain without a proper explaination. Having been on both sides of a break up, I found that it is not always easy to articulate exactly what the issue is and if something feels wrong, there is no way to use logic to argue my way back in again.

    To answer your first question, with most break ups where I was the initiater, it’s not something that I woke up one day thinking “aha, today is the day”. There usually is a build up and a lot of thinking before you break the news to the person because it’s a hard thing to do and you want to be sure that’s the right decision. So in that sense, your ex had a much further head start then you in the grieving process, which is probably why he moved on so quickly.

    For your second question, it seems unlikely that your ex will feel differently in the future because of how messey the break up is. Having dealt with a couple of real stalkers, I can tell you that none of them considers themselves as such and it almost never starts with a big crazy thing. It usually starts with them initiating contact with the other person repeatedly (and as the reciever, you do feel harassed after a while), get hurt and frustrated each time they are ignored, use this hurt to justify their more outlandish behaviours and eventually, they would have given away so much of their dignity that there is nothing left but an all consuming obessession for the other person. The more this plays out, the less desirable they become.

    So my advice, don’t put the key of your happiness in someone else’s pocket.

    December 21, 2014 at 1:40 pm #69579
    Holly
    Participant

    Thanks.

    December 21, 2014 at 5:33 pm #69585
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Holly,

    It’s not possible to understand why people make the choices they do. Even though you feel you deserve an explanation, you’re not always going to get it- that’s just life, unfair as it may be. Understand that his choices are his own and you need to respect those choices regardless of whether you agree with them or not. Doing this will help reduce your desire for an explanation. Your first question is a valid one, and one, I think most people have after they breakup- how could this person who I had dated for so long, completely change their behavior after we broke up? The short version- breakups cause a lot of suffering and pain makes people behave differently as I’m sure you’ve found out. Sometimes, they go to extremes such as your ex contacting the authorities. That was his reaction and it may have been overzealous, but unfortunately, you can’t change that.

    Secondly, break ups are a part of life and as hard and painful as this may be, you have the chance to grow from this experience. You need to understand that by focusing so intently on him and his choice, you’re not allowing yourself to heal and grow from it. The sooner you see this experience as an opportunity to be a better person, the sooner you will heal.

    Lastly, he doesn’t sound like a partner that is truly worth the time and effort that a good relationship requires. He is dealing with his own issues right now and anyone that is focused so completely on themselves won’t make a good partner. A good partner is happy with who they are, satisfied with where they are, and is always moving forward. Think about it, do you really want to be with a person that would behave in such a selfish and secretive manner? This is the perfect opportunity to become the person you would truly value being with and you’re more likely to find that person in the future because of this experience. This is also a great opportunity to better define the person you actually want to be with. After all, you only get as much as you put into something.

    The faster you start moving forward and the faster you accept this and put it in the past, it will get easier. With time and practice you can make this a positive experience; it doesn’t need to be a negative one. This is your life and it’s yours to do with as you desire. This is an opportunity to become better, it is not a negative experience unless you make it one.

    Good luck and take care of yourself.

    Thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Take a look if you need more advice.

    December 21, 2014 at 5:56 pm #69593
    Holly
    Participant

    Amazing advice Adam. Thank you so much. You’re right. He has way too many issues and I became an enabler. I wanted him to feel so good about himself that I spent all of my time encouraging him and forgot about what I needed. Then when it was over, I realized I have so much and was still so easily discarded. But I am in charge of my own happiness and my life is better wrh out his issues. I spent too much time always coddling him. That’s not right. I appreciate it. Thanks again.

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