Hi Ses156,

As people, I think we all crave things like love, acceptance, trust, recognition and any other good vibes we get from interacting with others. Some people are able to spread this across different areas of their lives (e.g. career, friendship, family, recreational activities etc.) while others tend to focus on fulfilling all these desires in one specific area, which is often the area that we are most comfortable with in relating with other people.

To give you an example, I was very career orientated up until the end of 2013 and I was willing to sacrifice my time with friends, family, relationship, health etc to get ahead. I also found that I can easily relate to people I work with as I have done the training, learned the script and produced results that made everyone happy. Though I did advance quickly, I was struggling to relate with others outside of work (because that’s all I did) and slept about 2-3 hours a night because everything at work became a big thing. I mean, how can it not be when the totality of my self worth and happiness were dependant on it? To break this cycle, I had to quit my job and go overseas for a few months to discover who I am when I no longer possess my character defining strength. Since I’ve returned, I’ve been working hard towards creating a balanced lifestyle and I feel a lot more confident about things (including work) than I used to.

It sounds like you’ve already recognised that the harder you push in this area the less you get out of it but to love yourself, you need to know who you are outside of being someone’s girlfriend. So instead of jumping straight into “do” mode, take some time out to consider what you want out of life and how you can achieve these things without being in a romantic relationship. Recognise that it will take time to change: there will be times where you want to say yes to a relationship but if you are still in the process of building your internal landscape, be strong enough to say no. I’ve done it a couple of times now and be in contro rather than be controlled by external factors.

Good luck!