Thank you for the replies Inky and Kath. I think a part of why i can’t forgie myself is how harsh i’ve talked regarding his sister’s death. I meant no disrespect, all i was trying to do is to make him see there’s no point ruining his life over some fact that we can’t do nothing about. I’ve been repeating the same thing again and again but i lost it wheb he told me he doesnt care what i think. It feels like everything i’ve been doing to support and being there for him for the past 5 months are nothing. The hateful curses and names he called me is another thing that shattered my confidence. Never in my mind i’ve ever thought he could be this hateful towards me. We shared our troubles weaknesses, the bad decisions and past we have. We both let each other see the part where we are the most vulnerable. He told me he would never hurt me intentionally no matter what, and i believed his words. But hearing how a person who know you well call you ugly, tell you to kill yourself shatters my sense of worth.

We are currently not talking as he told me i ruined his life and he doesnt want anything to do with me. But i miss him so bad, i want to make ammends and hopefully return to where we were before but i don’t have the guts to contact him…i feel so guilty for dragging him to another issues. If i could just stop trying to change him maybe we wouldn’t have argued about his sister’s death.