Hello Allison. Here’s my perspective about your question. I hope this can help you even just a little.

It sounds like you want to have a more genuine and authentic relationship with your family. One in which you can communicate more honestly with them and not resort to lying because it just makes you feel awful. Because they’re your family, you would reasonably assume you can always be open and honest with them. But this doesn’t always happen and you can rest assure that what you are feeling is not wrong (you feeling disconnected to your family).

I think it’s a very positive thing that you learned how to become independent from an early age. You even mentioned how you and your siblings have other people outside your family that you like to spend time with (I would consider that a win!). I can tell you that no positive results can ever come from being dishonest with your family and yourself. You want to have a real connection with your family, but it clearly bothers you that you feel you have to lie in order to have some space and it sounds like you don’t want to lie anymore. Proudly accept that this is what you honestly want for yourself.

The guilt that you feel comes from your own doubts on whether it’s okay for you to be honest and genuine with yourself while being around your family as well. At the very least, you won’t be bothered by your mother’s passive aggression. You may even become bolder and more determined by just accepting what you want with no regrets. In the end, you will feel positive no matter what the outcome may be with your family.