I’ve heard of emotional refocusing techniques, is that the same thing?

I was considering doing more counselling in the new year but I think it’s possible that’s just going to keep me in hurt mode, where I’m rehashing all the details of what I’m angry & bitter about. I’ll just end up leaving the room worse than when I entered because all the feeling that come with the memories will have been resurrected. If I find that I do really need to do more counselling then I will, but first…

On Christmas Eve as I thought hard over a glass of wine, I made a decision to grant me ex forgiveness. I have told her before loads of times that I trying hard to forgive her, & sometimes I told her I did forgive her because I thought I was nearly there, but deep down I still seethed & was lying to both myself & her. However, I decided on Xmas eve that enough was enough, I text my ex & told her that whether it mattered to her or not, that I was giving her true forgiveness for Christmas, that it was my gift to her. I then once again praised her greatness as a mummy, pointed out that I’d sometimes been overlooking all the good things she does by dragging up,the past & messing things up all the time. But ultimately that it was over, that I was going into the new year with a clean slate & no past stuff clouding my life. I told her that I let go of the past…. Then I went onto facebook & blocked everyone who I have resentments for, from the men who have got new lives & kids etc, to the friends of my ex who are responsible for some aspects of my pain. I can’t see any of them now. A clean slate.

I’m confident I really mean it this time, & I do actually feel different, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I remember making a decision to “forget the past” at the turn of 2012, yet 3 full years later I was still stuck hurting. No way am I going to do another year feeling like that.

The forgiveness is the combination of a couple of things..

I have been trying to get through this for 3 years. During that time I have attempted to forgive my ex various times, probably up to 10 times. Each time I failed & some of those times I knew I was lying to myself & to her. As a result I think I have come to that point where I have simply had enough of the hurt I hold. All the attempts at forgiveness have been leading up to this & now I finally get to go through with it for good. The difference this time is exactly that, that I feel different than I did all the other times. I don’t have that inner voice telling me “you don’t really mean it Dan you’re full of s*** & you’re still mad as hell”.

I have always felt so “scarred” that I made a point of reminding my ex what she done every so often, which effectively meant I shot myself in the foot on many occasions where the s**t I wrote on Twitter or messages I sent calling her a slag in retaliation to stuff she said kept us from progressing. I accept my part in that.

But now I see that rather than carry on being in the role of the hard-done-by ex who is bitter, I’m going to truly be the better person that I know I am. I think 3 years is enough for my ex to know she never done right by me, & she will always know that without me having to remind her periodically.

In response to your suggestion that I try to find an “original” betrayal. Well not a direct betrayal but something deeply important to me was taken from me & there are reasons why I’m so livid about it – one of which is that something that was always important to me as i grew up into a man was that whenever I’m going to become a father that there would definitely under no circumstances be any other man having sex with the woman who carried my child apart from me, the natural father. The fact that this was taken away from me, coupled with the fact that I loved the woman, made it all the worse I believe. That’s why it cut so deep.

It is something that can never, ever be undone. There is nothing that will ever rectify it or make up for it. Nothing can ever make me be ok with what happened. I will never accept it even though it is past.

In the 3+ years it’s been since, some of the men I’m angry with are all happy families with their new girls & getting married & having babies, & I’m stewing in envy & bitterness hoping they all die? It’s not exactly fair that they get to do what they done in 2011 & then go on to live their life without consequence

The most poetic justice would be for it to happen to him/them. For his gf to become pregnant, run off on him, get involved with another man, screw around with other men, exclude him from the pregnancy. Basically my story turned around on him. That would be justice alright.

I worry about the future & the possibility of her getting married or something & a new guy being around my son more than me. I don’t like the idea & I don’t see me accepting that. I don’t want to be with her after all she’s done, but I certainly don’t want another man helping to raise my child. I see there being problems in this regard if this kind of thing ever happens.

I do feel better though. Things are still rocky with my ex from time to time & I know they will be but I don’t let it get to me anymore. I’m just going with the flow.

I also think all the hate I’ve been harbouring has been stopping the right woman coming into my life. Now that I’ve let go lets see if I’m right 🙂