(Posting is new to me and I am still learning how to organize my thoughts and responses more effectively, so please bear with me)

Thank you so much Maggie, for taking much time and care in your reply to me.

There were things and dots I wanted to go back and connect from my first response to be clearer so I’ll start with that then add another response to your recent one separately. Maybe by having a bit of my story already and also the awareness that I mean very well, it can make sense better anyway.

There are things you express that I think are wise of you to be aware and mindful of:

“He allows her to get her way to avoid all conflict and this aggravates me.”

It is possible that his passive ways can continue to cause problems for a future relationship with you. Idk

“We are both over 50 so this isn’t a maturity issue”

Age does not mean someone is emotionally mature in the ways that you need the person to be for a successful relationship. I do think it would have been very mature of him to have severed ties with his wife before seeking companion from another woman.

“When he told me he was paying for 1/2 of her elective surgery, something inside me changed toward him.”

Honestly, while I agree with the others about him being married and it being her money, putting that logical thought of mine aside, this phrase of yours hit me like a big punch in the gut! It made me feel like he is tied to her with some sense of loyalty. That would hurt me greatly. I was not married to my BF but we merged homes and families, it was very much a marriage to me. My BF never did end his loyalty to his ex, his sense of obligation, his sense of guilt and connection to her pain. That was part of their codependent/personality disorder dynamic and I thought he would unlearn much of that with my insight and love but it was so much a part of him. It actually felt often like I was a mistress when I was not. And because they have a child together he was not ever able to not have contact with her so their relationship could never really end, but what needed to happen was for him to set clearer boundaries with her. So for you, I would listen to that gut instinct of yours as this man you love is comfortable blurring the boundaries of his loyalties and relationships and that is a concerning thing.

“I also feel like I want to dial back the intensity of our relationship until he leaves her.”

Sounds like you are listening to your instincts and moving in a direction to be caring to yourself. 🙂