(I am new here, so please let me know if my posting is not ok for any reason…I think I’m getting long winded and will eventually have to start my own post so I’m not seemingly hijacking another’s)

I can relate to many things in your post. I hope that sharing a bit of my situation is not out of the purpose of this thread, but can be helpful.

I am with a man whose ex has BPD. They were together over 10 years before the divorce. I met him two months after he moved out of their house.

I look back now, after five years of us together, and see such a different view than what was possible for me to see that first year together. I have to say, I still love him and feel in my heart that we could be wonderful, however, things have fallen apart for us.

I see today that the man I spent time with our first year together, has slowly settled into different ways.

He used to be attentive, endlessly grateful, endlessly patient, caring, all that, etc.

While he did not exactly change, the conditions around us did, and as he responded to this, I have seen and experienced things about him that wouldn’t have been possible that first blissful year.

To be more direct, I feel that the dynamic of the toxic relationship that he was in for so many years became so much a part of him. When the “honeymoon” phase of our relationship shifted into more of a husband/wife dynamic he regressed and became fearful. I honestly think that he was a bit traumatized by his ex wife and as my role became more like a wife, he began responding to me more like he did in his marriage.

It was very difficult for me to anticipate a shift like this in his behavior. In the beginning of our relationship there was still much going on with wrapping up divorce issues of properties and parenting. My support made him grateful at this time. Our partnership grew strong as a result. He got much fill of re establishing his identity and esteem through our time together. Looking back, I wonder about this fact as I now see much of his desire for me was actually maybe a hunger more for esteem and identity in a time of emotional crisis and devastating loss for him. (It was not one sided, he was supportive of me too)

However, the past several years he keeps having regressions and his fear seems to take over him and he now responds to me as though I am like his ex and as though I am acting against him, when I clearly am not. He spent many years in a dynamic that stunted any emotional growth that may have otherwise happened.

So essentially this patient, easy going guy who almost never fights that I fell in love with…..is also a guy who…. Can’t deal with conflict, was agreeing with me to avoid conflict but I thought was excellent at compromise and I thought was excellent at hearing my perspective; he compartmentalizes to cope to the point of denial that has put me and my son in harms way…not intentionally…but just because he won’t stand up to his wife and sacrifices himself and us all as a result. If I disagree, he feels he is a victim of something and gets angry at me and becomes unreasonable. He still cannot express his anger toward his child and wife and takes it out on me in a passive aggressive manner that he is even unaware of. He is still tied emotionally to her in a way that makes me feel like he is still more her ex husband than my partner. He only listens when someone causes drama, and because I am not abusive to him I get tuned out.

I think that it was moving in together and the inability for him to leave and get days of space that revealed more of his ways to me. Also when things settled with his divorce and he no longer had the unending gratitude to me, he acted like he wanted to overcompensate and put me in a weak position. I think the dating phase was a rather safe one, a time of putting ones best foot forward, a time of fun, of little expectations or relationship responsibilities and when a couple spends lots of time expressing and discovering each other and loving each other together. When things shifted and responsibilities and expectations were added to the dynamic, things regressed slowly and slowly.

I hope you do not see this as me being judgmental that things for you would follow a similar path. I hope that there is some insight in this though on some things to help in some way.

(Posting is new to me and I am still learning how to organize my thoughts and responses more effectively, so please bear with me)

Thank you so much Maggie, for taking much time and care in your reply to me.

There were things and dots I wanted to go back and connect from my first response to be clearer so I’ll start with that then add another response to your recent one separately. Maybe by having a bit of my story already and also the awareness that I mean very well, it can make sense better anyway.

There are things you express that I think are wise of you to be aware and mindful of:

“He allows her to get her way to avoid all conflict and this aggravates me.”

It is possible that his passive ways can continue to cause problems for a future relationship with you. Idk

“We are both over 50 so this isn’t a maturity issue”

Age does not mean someone is emotionally mature in the ways that you need the person to be for a successful relationship. I do think it would have been very mature of him to have severed ties with his wife before seeking companion from another woman.

“When he told me he was paying for 1/2 of her elective surgery, something inside me changed toward him.”

Honestly, while I agree with the others about him being married and it being her money, putting that logical thought of mine aside, this phrase of yours hit me like a big punch in the gut! It made me feel like he is tied to her with some sense of loyalty. That would hurt me greatly. I was not married to my BF but we merged homes and families, it was very much a marriage to me. My BF never did end his loyalty to his ex, his sense of obligation, his sense of guilt and connection to her pain. That was part of their codependent/personality disorder dynamic and I thought he would unlearn much of that with my insight and love but it was so much a part of him. It actually felt often like I was a mistress when I was not. And because they have a child together he was not ever able to not have contact with her so their relationship could never really end, but what needed to happen was for him to set clearer boundaries with her. So for you, I would listen to that gut instinct of yours as this man you love is comfortable blurring the boundaries of his loyalties and relationships and that is a concerning thing.

“I also feel like I want to dial back the intensity of our relationship until he leaves her.”

Sounds like you are listening to your instincts and moving in a direction to be caring to yourself. 🙂