Inky, Thanks for not blasting me! You had a good response and I want to answer some of your questions or observations if I may.

Since you are 1000 miles away, how do you know any of the bad stuff is true? At age 50, you surely know 9/10 the man always claims “They haven’t slept together in years” (Right).

We text every night and he sends me photos of himself and his dog in bed with him. He talks to me on the phone on his way from his office while he is driving home.

Some variation of “My wife is crazy.” ( “20K” in therapy? Yeah, OK.)

She has a histrionic personality disorder. They were married 2 years when she started to disengage from the marriage with limited sex, no cleaning in the home, won’t cook. Stays in bed on her laptop. Creates mountains out of mole hills.

For a mistress to be upset because “he” pays for “her” elective surgery seems a little over the top. (Dollars to donuts she works and it’s from the household account.)

She has never worked. Can’t hold a job if she wanted one. SHe is incapable of cooking a meal much less being on time to go to work and she has no skills. SHe is raising 8 puppies in the living room (he sent me photos) and on Christmas day someone slipped down in dog urine because the house stays filthy.
She runs through money like it is water. He does anything to avoid a conflict and I feel paying for this is to avoid a conflict and he really feels it is something that is beneficial and he likes to be of service. I feel if he is heading toward divorce then he should pull back on the monetary help to her.

You are right, Inky, I need to scale back until he leaves her and I will. And he might not leave her if he wants to avoid conflict but I have a feeling he is.
Thanks for all of your help!

Hi back!

Why would he want to spend all of his free time ( and not so free) with me on the phone if he he is interested in staying married? I have only seen him in person a few times. We went to high school together and he says he has always liked and respected me and is looking for someone he can have a good life with when he gets out of this marriage.
I absolutely trust that he wants out of his marriage.
I am just not happy that he is still trying to accommodate her. For a man it’s just a way doing things, but to me, a woman, it is much more because he is giving her resources and that is something that makes us feel like is something you do with someone you love and want to be with.
So, yes, the signals are mixed for me as of now.
I know I have no right to feel this way, but he is the one who came to me and asked me to be there for him when he gets out of this.
I spend a lot of time on the phone with him and listening to him. I love doing it, but wouldn’t if he hadn’t made his declarations.

OK, It’s him too. Of course it is. He is part of this.
I know he is a work a holic.
He works every day (attorney) and is self employed. He leaves work and goes by whatever place they want food ( adopted daughter and wife) and brings it to them. It costs a small fortune to eat out every night. But she won’t cook!
I know he does this because I am on the phone with him when is ordering and driving home.
He eats, showers and texts me soon after until he falls asleep.
I don’t know why she fell out of love with him. He thinks she just wanted someone to take care of her because that is what it has boiled down to. And also she couldn’t have children and right after they adopted their child, she checked out of the marriage.
I just don’t understand why he keeps doing it. He says he wants to have everything ready when he leaves so there won’t be a lot of drama and him stuck in the house with her.

Thanks Inky. I know you will roll your eyes at this but it really is complicated. He doesn’t have money. He is trying to build up his business and even get into another line of work that he has discussed with me and we have looked for the property for this when he comes here.
I am not sure all of your observations on him are correct just as mine are all probably not correct either.
I just do not think that he drove 1000 miles to see me and calls me every single day all day long, tells me everything just for his health. Maybe you are right… it just doesn’t feel right that he is just going through the motions with me.

Sarah, I think I am being honest with myself. He is working hard in his office so he can move in there. He does calls all the shots. I don’t pressure him at all because he is under an intense amount of pressure as it is.
When I ask him about anything specific he tells me he loves me and nothing has changed as far as his feelings for me and he wants us to have a life together.
Thanks for your response.

Fros, I understand your concern. It is the age old dilemma…

Since we 1000 miles away from each other and we are talking on the phone and I enjoy his company I am going to see how this plays out.
I will let everyone know what happens.

I talked with him yesterday about all of this and I feel confident in him.

Thanks everyone for the help.