Hi Marek33!

I struggled for years with the feelings and fears you have written about. It was a slow, awkward, messy process of working thorough my hang-ups and insecurities to finally find a bit of peace with loving and letting myself be loved. I will start by saying this: To truly love with an open heart you must accept love but also accept the possibility for pain and disappointment and rejection. Being in love and having close relationships is all of those things. It is joy, pain, fear, excitement, and everything else you could imagine feeling. I think it is important to love yourself but I think knowing how to do this is hard. Having relationships while learning to love yourself are good things to have happen at the same time. I think often people put an emphasis on loving oneself first before having any relationships but I think they can happen together.

Also, if possible, don’t hide your insecurities! Everyone, and I mean everyone, has them. I’ve found that showing what you’re trying to hide makes people more comfortable around you. Once you acknowledge your fears and welcome them into your life they become much less scary. I struggled with eating disorders for a while and I found that once I treated my body image issues with respect and kindness, they became less treacherous, more like some flyaway frizzy hair than a crippling mind-darkening disease. Challenge yourself to really ask yourself why you are so afraid of being abandoned or hurt, and what would really actually happen if you were to let someone close enough to hurt you.

I am so hopeful for you! It sounds like you really want to love openly, and I think once you are ready to accept the possibility that you might get hurt, you will enter into a new part of this path you are on. Trust in the process, and be patient with yourself, you are making many great steps toward happiness! Humans by default are messy, awkward and wonderfully silly beings so go easy on yourself as you would a sibling or friend.

Best wishes to you,
R