Forum Replies Created
April 26, 2015 at 1:17 pm #75840
You have been sexually abused – psychological manipulation goes hand in hand with sexual abuse. You were groomed as a young person, made to believe this was something that you wanted and that you enjoyed. A family member who you trusted coerced you into inappriopriate and highly damaging behavior. Things will never go back to normal as far as your family goes, and you need to get away from the people that are causing you harm. Whether you want to categorize this as rape or not, you’ve been taken advantage of by an elder. You are clearly traumatized from these events, and you need to ask for help from trustworthy people around you. You may want to find out if it’s possible to report this to the authorities depending on your age. This is very serious and I hope you find a way to keep yourself safe and get help. If you have a good relationship with your parents you must tell them and try and get help from them. Help is not forgiveness and sweeping this under the rug. Help is acknowledging the damage that has been done to you and getting you to a safe place. Your uncle is also damaged and needs help. He is an abuser and has most likely been abused as many abusers have been. You need to get away from him and from anyone who tries to tell you what happened was okay.
I am not a psychologist but I have been the target of intended sexual abuse by someone in a position of authority and the best thing to do is get far away from them and then get help and healing from the trauma you’ve suffered.
Please be safe and recognize what is real help and what is not.April 26, 2015 at 10:05 am #75834
Hey chug coffee!
It may help you to adjust the focus of your meditation. Perhaps it would be helpful to set an intention at the beginning of your practice and focus on why you are meditating. Why are you meditating? There are so many different kinds of meditation, and different ways are effective for different people. If one particular style is making you dissociative, there are definitely other ways to connect with the vibrance and beauty of life if that is what you are seeking. Do some research and some experimentation and keep meditating! 🙂
RoseMarch 30, 2015 at 11:03 am #74671
I think it’s extremely important to make self-care and self-appreciation your top priority. It’s difficult to give someone true love and affection when you have none for yourself, this often leads to jealousy and other insecurity-based pitfalls. However I think that loving yourself completely is an unrealistic goal, it is by no means something that you achieve and then you’re done with it. It’s an ongoing and fluid and fickle process that is not based on an outcome. The process itself is the outcome and it happens slowly and gradually. It’s also not a linear progression! Some days you’ll feel like you’ve got it down, and sometimes you’ll feel like you’ve made no advances at all. In my experience, finding someone who is also interested in their own self-care and who supported me in my self-work was a really rewarding part of your journey. Learning to love yourself and love another and be loved by yourself and be loved by another are all great things to have happen at the same time. Go forward with an open heart that’s willing to be vulnerable and willing to learn, even when it’s uncomfortable and painful.
RoseMarch 23, 2015 at 6:50 pm #74337
I went through a similar thing when I was younger where I would pursue men that I deemed as “unobtainable,” I would try and get the attention or affection of coaches, teachers, bosses, people who were in positions where they would not have been allowed to date me. For me it was more of a game than actually wanting a relationship. I don’t think this is what you’re describing, but I wonder if what lies underneath may be similar. For me, I was really scared of intimacy and of being vulnerable to men, having been hurt physically and psychologically in the past, so I went after guys that I thought I could never get. I realized that I was subconsciously thinking that if I could never get them, I could enjoy the flirtation but never actually have to make myself truly vulnerable to them because there were things in place socially to keep us at a distance. In my head the idea of them was so much better than actually having them so I just created fantasy after fantasy skipping from one person to the next. If it started to get too personal and intimate, I would have a ton of reasons why it had to stop. Needless to say that was a messy situation. My attraction to the “impossible” was a reluctance to have someone around who might actually SEE me. It was easier to give my affection to someone who I could immediately create distance from. When I had a lot of control of what they were perceiving of me I felt safe.
I hope you will reconsider the notion that all men from your country are “boring.” If you decide that, you may miss the ones that actually aren’t boring at all! It seems like you enjoy a challenge when it comes to finding a partner. I am the same way so I completely understand that! It’s fun to pursue someone and put energy into creating what might end up turning into a relationship.
That being said, all different kinds of relationships work for different people. It sounds like you don’t want fleeting long-distance relationships with strangers, so what do you want? I think if you figure out what you really want you can figure out how to get it. 🙂
Sending love your way!March 20, 2015 at 11:14 am #74198
I agree with Will. It’s time to move on and let her go. It might be helpful now to think about what you want. Do you want a friend or a partner? Do you really want to be with her after all of this or be friends with her after all this? I want you to be with someone who is super stoked to be with you, I want you to have a friend who is stoked to be your friend! I think her actions have represented what she wants. And who knows, maybe one day you will be friends but even without knowing you I think a kind, supportive, honest and open friend will be much more fulfilling and uplifting for you.March 20, 2015 at 11:09 am #74197
Thank you for posting! You are allowed to feel how you feel, and withholding and suppressing your heart and mind is going to add fuel to the fire that is causing you pain. Allow yourself to feel what you feel! You must honor your pain and frustration, forgiveness cannot be forced but is rather a true letting go. It’s not an intellectual or psychological decision, it’s a release of emotion. Is there someone you can vent to? Or something? I find it helpful to write uncensored letters (sometimes hate letters!) just to get all that “stuff” out of your exhausted brain!! Knowing he’ll never read it and that you’re safe to say whatever you want, write an uncensored letter to him and see what is there. Maybe there are things in there that you feel you could actually say to him?
I would imagine, having been through a similar situation, that what you might really be feeling is insecure and you may have a lowered self-esteem because of this. For me those feelings can cause feelings of guilt and feeling lost. I would advise you to get in touch with what’s really underneath all that. For me, expressing and acknowledging what I’m feeling underneath the anger, revenge and distance (which is usually a really simple feeling of being hurt), is helpful to clear my head and heart and be able to seek real forgiveness. He set his attention away from you. That is hurtful! Especially if you feel even the slightest bit of insecurity about yourself, which most of us do at least from time to time.
Let all those emotions out my girl!!!! Find a safe place and express yourself! Maybe you just need to be heard by YOU.
Breathe and smile.
RoseMarch 20, 2015 at 10:51 am #74196
Imagine if she had a sudden change in feelings, what would you want her to do? I agree with Will and John, you must talk to her. Whether or not she takes it well or understands, you want to be the kind of person that speaks their mind and speaks their own truth no matter what. Be patient and as eloquent as possible, try and make it about you. “I am feeling really fearful of intimacy, I’m dealing with some difficult emotions and wondering how my childhood is involved. Can you help me? Let’s work through this together.”
Good luck. Be kind to yourself! Thank you for posting.March 19, 2015 at 6:33 pm #74159
I am 22 and also going through something pretty similar. I feel like who I have been is only because it pleases other people. Up until recently most of the things I’ve done are only to gain recognition or praise. Whether it’s getting good grades or being a successful athlete or being well-liked, I feel like I’m doing everything for other people. After I graduated college I hit a wall where I was like, “what do I actually do for myself that I enjoy without anyone else ‘watching’??” and I had literally NO idea. Many, if not all, of my actions were always based on what I thought other people would think of me. It made doing anything or acting a certain way or interacting with certain people SO difficult because I had this running criticism in my head of what “other people” might perceive. I’ve made a conscious effort to try and do what I want instead of what other people want me to do. Luckily, my wise and self-less boyfriend understands that I often do this and is extremely helpful in reminding me to make choices based on what’s best for me, not what’s best for others. People-pleasing is exhausting because you’re always trying to figure out what other people want so you are constantly shifting to fit other people’s expectations and desires. It’s no way to live freely!!
What you said about feeling like a huge weight was lifted is what your whole life could be like I think! It will take a little bit of time for everyone else in your life to get used to who you really are, but once people see and know that you are much more comfortable being real and honest, they will respect you. Other people will perpetuate your previous attitude and behavior because they are expecting you to act like that. Some people may need some explanation from you, which might be annoying or difficult or scary, but it could be really helpful for you in terms of talking about this change and coming to terms with it yourself. Those around you who truly love you and care about you will want you around no matter what, anyone who only wants you around when you’re bubbly, ditzy or coy is perhaps someone who you could stand to protect yourself from anyway! Your fears are so valid and so make sense to me, I am dealing with those same ones currently.
I think this age is a very transformative time in our lives. We were li’l caterpillars not so long ago and as we emerge as the butterflies we potentially may be for the rest of our lives, it’s important to let our loved ones see who we are becoming. To stick with the metaphor, it’s also important not to rush the process because if you try and get a butterfly to fly before it’s ready, it won’t be strong enough. Be patient with your family and friends and patient with yourself. It brings me so much joy that you have someone you can “just be” with. That is a true gift and I am so hopeful for you to discover that you can always “just be” and always be free! Spread your wings beautiful butterfly!
xoMarch 18, 2015 at 2:17 pm #74110
Confidence and inner peace are WAY more attractive than any physical characteristic. Besides, anyone that doesn’t like you because of your height is not really anyone you want to be dealing with. More importantly, you need to get right with yourself! Self-love is the only way and the happiest way to live. I was deeply in love with a guy much shorter than me, but he was confident, kind and had a relentless curiosity about the world. That was all that really mattered! Besides, no one can avoid old age, sickness and death. What really matters is whether you can hold a good conversation or have a good laugh with someone (or with yourself!) when you’re old.March 18, 2015 at 1:46 pm #74106
I can really relate to what you said about society not accommodating certain types of people. I have become so saddened and discouraged by the pace of our country, how fast everyone moves to get on to the next thing, how people only do one thing so that they can get something better in the future. It’s structured around money and “success” and “progress” instead of nurturance, patience, and kindness. It sounds like perhaps you are stuck in that, a very sticky place to be indeed.
Is there a way you really could give yourself a break? If your life were to be perfect, what would it look like? If you could change everything and make everything the way you wanted it, what would that be like? You are more powerful than you know. Mainstream society is very harsh but there are places that are centered around peace and cooperation. Some of these places are physical, actual communities or spiritual locations wherein you may find sanctuary. Some of these places you can find within. It’s all a matter of what you want and then deciding you can get it.March 18, 2015 at 1:24 pm #74104
It is wonderful that you have written on here and reached out for help. That takes incredible courage and strength. Help can be found in so many places… Websites, perhaps friends or a family member? You’d maybe be surprised to know how many people share symptoms with you. I myself have been there. I was too proud to just say “I need help,” I felt like no one would understand and no one would care, I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. There is a joyful, bright and very wise part of you that guided you here to write this post, you are trying to save your own life and take care of yourself.
I once thought people would be burdened by my problems too, but I always remember that when people come to me with their problems I am actually very flattered and honored that they respect my advice and want my help.
If someone came to you feeling depressed and suicidal, what would you encourage them to do? How would you treat a dear friend or sibling if they were suffering?
You are most definitely not alone. Thank you for your post.March 18, 2015 at 1:15 pm #74103
I know exactly what you mean, it makes so much sense! I’ve definitely been there and still stop myself from reaching out when I feel unable to handle the possibility of the attention being unreturned. Rejection stings like no other, and can really bring down your self-esteem and self-worth. What you don’t realize I think is that you already ARE learning to be free! You are right on the edge of a valuable lesson. Whether you choose to protect your heart or whether you choose to open it is completely up to you and either way you are trying to do what’s best for you, so again hold off on the judgement and wait to see what happens.
Often, the thought/idea of rejection is worse than actually being rejected. I would go so far as to say the thought/idea/imagination of most things are worse than the actual events themselves. What would happen if you were rejected? It may sting but hey, then you’ll know that this person wasn’t ready for what you wanted to share with them! That seems like an important thing to know!
Easier said than done of course. And I’d do well to take my own advice too! 🙂March 17, 2015 at 7:45 pm #74074
I agree with you about the immediate gratification of love at first sight, it would be a wonderful world indeed if all that was needed for love was a slo-mo encounter with a beautiful stranger. I think it also helps hide the reality that you can never really know if someone is “the one,” and no matter how fantastic it was when you saw your partner for the first time, it doesn’t guarantee a fairy tale relationship. I think the hollywood media and the corporate media reinforce this idea to the nth degree and perpetuate it throughout society to keep people buying into the ideology that love is special but easy, and more importantly buying material goods that they deem are not only part of but crucial to having or giving love.March 17, 2015 at 7:25 pm #74073
Pema Chodron’s writing changed my life! I highly highly highly recommend her books, I cannot emphasize that enough!
EFT therapy was also very helpful to me, I had it done by an acupuncturist who was also a family friend,
RMarch 17, 2015 at 7:15 pm #74071
Give yourself permission to LIVE, my darling! I say go forth with the astute awareness that you obviously already have, and see what you have to learn from this new person! Don’t hold yourself back from a rewarding interaction that is making you happy! If you find a pattern eventually, perhaps that you are going from one person to the next and rebounding each time, then maybe look into focusing on yourself, as for now just open your eyes and your heart and learn some life lessons. Cut through the self-judgement and self-criticism and take this on as a chance to gain knowledge and insight.