What the hell am I supposed to do?

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    I feel like I’ve been in this place a thousand times.
    I’m so fed up and helpless – suicide seems the only logical solution now.
    I’ve tried to hard to get myself well after taking an acne medication that ruined my body and mind… but nothing has helped.

    I have no faith in this World anymore, and I feel like I don’t want to wake up – ever again.

    I have so many days like this, and I’m working full-time.

    I don’t want to quit ANOTHER job, but how the f*ck can I work when I have a mind like mine?

    I can’t speak properly most of the time because of the terrible brain fog. I have rage and feel like I’m losing my mind.
    My family can’t support me and I’m completely against the idea of medication.

    What’s even more ridiculous, is that I was happy as Larry this weekend (rare – I don’t suffer from Bipolar or Schizophrenia).
    Here’s a video I made: https://youtu.be/YMVAnqLmSCI

    Seriously, I’ll give you a medal if you can even make me crack a smile right now.

    (To summarise: I have awful anxiety and depression and get very anti-social when I’m like this. It makes working hell. I am in the completely wrong career for me – Car Insurance – Boring!!!! But my moods are unstable and I feel unable to take action enough to get myself into the right career. I also suffer from exhaustion. Basically I’m a hopeless case).

    This has been going on since 2005. I’m 25 this year.
    I shouldn’t be feeling like my life is over.

    Bevan Waters

    Hey Dude,

    I don’t have any answers and just want to let you know you’re not alone. I feel like I am fighting to hold onto any remaining pieces of sanity. I don’t know what I want to be or do with my life. I feel like I don’t belong in our current society and I am so tired of trying to figure it all out. I have so many questions and no answers. I put on a brave face when I am out and about and I don’t know who to ask for help or whether anyone can. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.

    Please don’t do anything rash. You are not alone.



    It is wonderful that you have written on here and reached out for help. That takes incredible courage and strength. Help can be found in so many places… Websites, perhaps friends or a family member? You’d maybe be surprised to know how many people share symptoms with you. I myself have been there. I was too proud to just say “I need help,” I felt like no one would understand and no one would care, I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. There is a joyful, bright and very wise part of you that guided you here to write this post, you are trying to save your own life and take care of yourself.

    I once thought people would be burdened by my problems too, but I always remember that when people come to me with their problems I am actually very flattered and honored that they respect my advice and want my help.

    If someone came to you feeling depressed and suicidal, what would you encourage them to do? How would you treat a dear friend or sibling if they were suffering?

    You are most definitely not alone. Thank you for your post.


    Thank you both for your responses.
    I appreciate it …

    I think the problem for me is, this has been going on for a very long time.
    I don’t feel like I can speak to my family about how I feel anymore – They’ve heard it a thousand times.

    I just really want to move forward and make my life story something other than ‘I took a drug that ruined me and now I spend 85% of the time hoping I won’t wake up*.

    I feel it’s harsh for those like myself – sensitive and creative, while being prone to depression – we need a break and time to fix ourselves but this World and our society is formed on capitalism and greed, and rushing around to do everything at once.

    I just really crave a long break so I can figure things out and just have time to rest and heal.

    I don’t know how to create more time…


    I can really relate to what you said about society not accommodating certain types of people. I have become so saddened and discouraged by the pace of our country, how fast everyone moves to get on to the next thing, how people only do one thing so that they can get something better in the future. It’s structured around money and “success” and “progress” instead of nurturance, patience, and kindness. It sounds like perhaps you are stuck in that, a very sticky place to be indeed.

    Is there a way you really could give yourself a break? If your life were to be perfect, what would it look like? If you could change everything and make everything the way you wanted it, what would that be like? You are more powerful than you know. Mainstream society is very harsh but there are places that are centered around peace and cooperation. Some of these places are physical, actual communities or spiritual locations wherein you may find sanctuary. Some of these places you can find within. It’s all a matter of what you want and then deciding you can get it.

    keith hondo

    Hang in there, Stefan. I have read your blog and seen your youtubes, you have a lot of insight to give to the world. Your blog has helped me.

    L-Tyrosine has helped me. Also, it seems wacky I know, have some dark chocolate. Specifically, 80% or more cacao. Just a little.
    Google it. Worked for me. It helps with the depressed moods.

    And write something for the blog again. Get the junk out of your head.

    Don’t do anything rash, thoughts are just temporary. The world needs you.

    BTW, your blog had motivated me to start my own. But I am a procrastinator, I have only set up an account so far. Maybe someday.

    Thanks for writing yours. It does help people.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by keith hondo.

    Thanks Rosecarman – I’m not sure I have the answers to those questions in this state of mind. I’ll have to think more about it when I’m better. I used to listen to Paul McKenna and stuff … he would ask those kinds of things… in order to apparently instruct the sub-conscious mind.

    Keith – Thanks for the kind words. I’ve not felt like writing on my blog in a while, but have been keeping pretty regular with YouTube. I filmed a video called ‘What depression looks like’ earlier when I was feeling crazy. Not sure it’d be wise that I ever upload it though.

    I’ve used L-Tyrosine in the past, but I forget if it helped me or not. I believe it’s meant to be good for the thyroid. I actually have some in a cupboard, so maybe I’ll give it a shot. There’s definitely a physical link to my mental health issues.



    I am sorry for your suffering.

    Please find solace in knowing that there is not a single person who has not ‘fallen down the well’. Even the benevolent Dalai Lama partook in this endeavor he stated in one of his books. Some of us are fortunate and catch ourselves before we fall too deep while some of us aren’t as fortunate and fall so deep that we can no longer see the light when we gaze upwards. We try to climb back up only to end up despairing, our efforts seeming wasted, as the light at the top eludes us. Why continue to struggle when it seems so futile? Why exert so much energy to a cause so fruitless?

    My friend, an alcoholic/smoker/drug addict of 40 years will not simply just quit and instantly succeed (for the most part). Their success/recovery may take 10 months or 10 years depending on the many factors. While this does not sound overly comforting, it does not change the fact that a victory remains a victory regarless of the time invested. You yourself have been ‘falling’ for the past 10 years therefore cannot expect a quick recovery. The amount of damage wrought upon ourselves plays a great role in determining the rate of our healing. And, while possible for you to manage your way back up in a short amount of time, please know and wholly accept that it may take (much) longer than you would like it to. Fully accepting your situation and understanding that there is only so much you can control will help garner some peace in your mind.

    Lastly, I would like to address your issue on your loss of faith in humanity with my next suggestion. While I do not normally direct TB members towards religion I believe that it should be a course you highly consider due to your extreme case in the sense of the chemical and possibly hormonal damage wrought upon you by your acne treatment (though I am not a doctor hence please forgive me if you find this offensive and believe me to be wrong). To be more specific: Buddhism. The religion focuses on self peace and harmony by deeply examining the phenomena, or events, occuring in and around us and in the world (though this is but one small aspect of it). This is not to say that you should fully convert, however, due to your desperation perhaps you should at least look into it. The Noble Eightfold Paths, once understood and applied, especially Deep Understanding, may bring about the much needed peace your soul needs. Do take heed, however, in knowing that this is a slow road. The concepts of Buddhism, similar to other religions, can take time to fully grasp as the teachings can be difficult to read and understand. However, sticking with the simpler aspects will all the same yield in healthy results if practiced. I truly hope you will consider this.

    While your mind is filled with chaos, please do your best to keep it positive. As I’m sure you’ve already heard: negativity begets negativity. How can one not turn evil when completely immersed by it? Likewise for the opposite. Doing positive things will nurture the heart, soul and mind in a wholesome manner. I hope this helps and please forgive me for any grammatical errors I may have made in long reply posts.




    Thank you Al…
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write me.

    I guess my ultimate fear is actually losing my mind and becoming a bad person – lashing out when I’m angry and my mind is racing.
    I want to be a good person… I just struggle to not get bothered by my many ups and downs.

    I will look into Buddhism.
    I know a bit about it already – I try to practice mindfulness and stuff like that.

    I just seem to reach a point every now and then where my willpower to go on collapses and I feel like I need a big break from my life’s problems. But that’s obviously just wishful thinking and serves me in no way.

    Elaine Feliciano

    Hi Stefan,
    How are you today? I hope I’m not too late to share a smile


    Hello Stefan

    I saw some of your videos. You are really funny and witty! hahaha 🙂
    I also saw your cover on Angels & Airwaves. You have style man, when you’re singing.

    Maybe you want to make songs, or write songs, or play for singers?
    As for now you have a job and a loving relationship. That is really good for you my friend! You should spend your spare time being kind and understanding to your self, or with your loved ones. Maybe this will help provide some perspective and some mindfullness. Plan your goals carefully without rushing. You are very young and you can make the turn with small steps, achieving the life you want eventually!

    It is good that you meditate, that you joined this community (people here are warm-hearted and helpfull!) and asked for help. Medication may not help you but self examination and self loving will. I believe that!
    Let me share something with you that inspired me. That is all i can give now:

    Love yourself. Truly love yourself. Don’t admire your self. Don’t belittle your self. Love yourself. It is very, very difficult. I haven’t achieved it my self.

    Love what you do,
    who you are,
    where you are,
    where you’ve been,
    what you want,
    what you can!

    Ι don’t know if it sounds too abstract, but i’ve put there, every sentence for a reason. All for the single reason to accept your self as a whole.

    I am struggling with suicidal thoughts as well. But, Dude, friend, i don’t know, i’m holding on to hope. I believe deep down i deserve to be happy and enjoy my life and share my love with other human beings. And so do you.

    I hope i don’t sound overly dramatic. I do mean these things!

    Have hope and take care of yourself

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by George.

    Hello Friend,
    Please don’t do anything rash. Bad time will not remain forever. Bad time will certainly be followed by good time. You just have to keep on finding alternative ways of getting out of your situation. You should keep on trying irrepective of your difficulties.

    I think most of your problems are basically psychological in nature. But getting rid of this psychological block is the most difficult thing. Because I’ve also went through many psychological problems and I know how difficult it is to get out of it.

    But you know there is a solution to get out of these problems. And name of that solution is “Vipassana” Insight meditation.
    I tried this technique as a last resort for my problems. And now I can’t tell you enough how much I owe to this technique. I really don’t have words to express gratitude for Vipassana. If I could have got this technique much earlier, I might have saved six years of my life. But I’m still happy that atleast I was able to get vipassana instead of wandering aimlessly all my life trying to find out cure.

    There is TEDx Talk on Vipassana
    2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixu4Kd5R1DI

    Following is a documentary on Vipassana:
    1. Doing Time Doing Vipassana

    Following is official website for Vipassana Course registration

    These Courses are available all over the world and are free of cost.
    But only thing is that this meditation course is extremely tough.
    It’s 10-day course in which you will be completely isolated from world and will do meditation for 12 hours a day.
    But proper hardwork in this course really pays off.
    It’s a technique to cleanse of all the impurities of your mind.
    You will certainly see that you will have much better control over your emotions once you will sincerely practise this meditation in your daily life.

    Following is a good blog on vipassana written by some Vipassana Meditators. You can get idea about personal experience of some meditators.

    There is another website with lots of resources on vipassana
    In this website you can find many good free ebooks on Vipassana Meditation.

    Before coming into contact with this meditation I also used to read lot of books on motivation and self-help. But effect of these books used to fade away with time. Because changing mental attitude requires much more than simply reading books and watching some video. We need some practical tool also along with theory to change our mind. And Vipassana is that practical tool that can certainly bring good changes in our psychological state.

    I think you should take 10 day break from your current activities and give this technique a try. It can change your life and might be watershed event in your life.

    Actually when I read problems of many people at tinybuddha website, I feel more and more that all these troubled souls require only vipassana. Medicines for psychological problems won’t do us any good and in the long run they produce only sideeffects on the body. Because modern science don’t understand the nature of mind and they try to treat problems of mind with their incomplete or partial knowledge. And we all know incomplete or half knowldge is far more dangerous when treating any disease.

    I hope you will take wise decision and change course of your life.
    If you want any more info regading vipassana then just search the web, you will get many reviews and plenty of information.
    My Best Wishes to you and I know very soon you will come out of your present situation successfully and leave your troubled past behind.

    Elaine Feliciano

    Hi Stefan,
    How are you today, I hope it’s not too late to share a smile. There were plenty of great videos to choose from I thought this is a great place to start https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MQChJxurb-c I went through depression and anxiety when I was in high school where waking up is so painful. Interestingly youtube was the place I found ideas and inspiration. I took this idea one day at a time. It might seem counter intuitive where you lost all hope for humanity and do a random act of kindness. From personal experience it truly works! As simple as complimenting my classmates, teachers, friends and saying good morning and smile to strangers as I walk up to school. I used to spend most of my day moping, crying and complaining about how stressful my life is. I noticed that more similar stressful situations keeps coming into my life so I thought what will happen if I reverse it. Though I didn’t wait till my birthday to start, the result of this idea was quite prompt to bring positivity and happiness in my life! I gave my energy and attention to something I enjoy, in my case I volunteered at a public library and lead an arts and crafts program for the kids with my classmates that become my dearest friends. At first it was just for the volunteer hours since we need that to graduate but it turned to be something wonderful and fun. I became excited about life and look forward for the days that I get to spend my time doing what I love and enjoy. Not long after I got into baking and I notice you can make somebody smile when you share food, good news and ideas with the people around you. Nothing beats when one receives something great and unexpected. I hope the examples I shared gives you an idea and bring a smile and happiness to your life just like it did to mine.
    By the way I saw your video you linked on your original post. I saw your friend trying to hold her laugh and you two made me smile. Those are the best! Please post more videos I am interested in what you enjoy doing.

    P.S. The rest of my post didn’t show up earlier so I had to rewrite it. Now I learned not to put emoticons since it deletes the rest of the post 🙂 I am always happy when I get another chance for I know it’s never too late!

    Elaine Feliciano

    What an irony! I used the short hand of emoticon and it worked but when I used the emoticon on my iPad it deleted the rest of my post! Oh how funny!


    hi dude, how are you?i am a general physician.. would like to add a few words..
    1. acne medicines such as retinoic acid derivatives, etc MAY cause depressive thoughts but the effect would not last 5 years after discontinuing them.(if i may ask were you having lot of acne that required you to take oral medications for that? were you bothered by acne? has it healed now? are u still using the medicine as a pill or for applying on your skin? are there any other medicine that have to use daily?)
    2. if you have a gut feeling that your mood and thoughts are influenced by a physical cause i would like to suggest that you meet a primary physician; to look for and investigate for thyroid problems, blood sugar levels,and other hormonal levels. also, i have seen that certain nutritional deficiencies of vitamins (B, D,etc mostly) iron and other minerals may cause fatigue and depressive thoughts.. in any of the above cases, taking supplementation medicines would help you a lot. (i know we all try and eat right, but some times what we eat is just not enough..)
    3. i would also suggest to get good exposure to sun light… morning sun between 11 am and 1 pm until we get slight amount of tan, would replenish vitamin d levels to the required amounts, which is important to give us the sense of well being besides making our body stronger.
    4. it looks like you have a lot of energy to create things and care for people, things etc… can u keep pets, do gardening etc..?this would help too..
    5.lastly, if no specific cause has been found, yet your daily living is being affected,i would suggest to consult a psychiatrist, and go for some medication..at least for some time.. this last point i am saying from personal experience… that i was extremely depressed at many times in my life.. sometimes with a cause and sometimes with no cause.. when meditation, therapy, nutrition, friendships, exercise – none of this was working, taking some medication in a small dose for say 2 – 4 weeks would bring me back to normal, and i used to taper and leave it. i hear a lot of people saying they don’t want to take any medication for depression or anxiety… but i would say,if our life style is affected by our mental health we should go for it after consulting psychiatrist.
    6. all other aspects i wanted to tell u are already addressed by other people..
    i would remember you in my prayers..
    such a long long post… congratulations on making it till here.. good luck to you.

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