for the past month i had been seeing a guy and it seemed like everything was going fine. i was really happy because this is my first relationship after four years alone (due to a really bad relationship that left me completely broken). four the past three years, i have been doing my best to love myself and feel good alone, and i think i made some progress – i now understand i’m not supposed to expect someone else to make me happy. i thought i had learned from my past and that i was ready to move on into better, more healthy relationships where i could be a whole individual and not see someone else as “the part that was missing”.
but this last relationship failed too — this guy just decided to disappear for no reason. i know it’s not my fault and it probably has nothing to do with me, but i can’t help but wonder why am i obliged to go through this situation again. i feel so disappointed and angry – not against him (he’s free to do whatever he chooses to and i hope he’ll find what he’s looking for), but because i’m going to have to be alone again, and even though i know i can be alright alone, it’s hard to feel loved and worthwhile when i’m so often rejected. i know many people go through this too, and that many people spend their whole lives alone even though they are desperate for someone to love them, and i find it all so unfair. why must life deny some people of something so important as love?
i’m so tired of having to learn how to let go, how to get over it, how to deal with loneliness. of having to pick myself up after every failed relationship. i can get better, and i’m going to get better in a few weeks, but it just gets harder every time — to build up new hope inside of myself and see it being teared apart again and again. i feel like i’m doing everything i can to improve myself (and i see some of the results: i feel happy much more often than i did in the past, i make friends more easily) but romantic rejection breaks me down so easily. i have always felt rejected, since i was a kid (i used to think my parents were going to abandon me, when in real life they’re actually very loving people who would never do that to anyone, much less to a child) and i’m doing a lot of work to not feel this way anymore, but it keeps showing up in my life and seriously damaging my progress… as i said, i’m not disappointed with this guy, i’m sure he had his reasons to do what he did (we’re both in out mid-twenties, so it’s normal for people to be unstable), i just don’t understand how i’m supposed to get better when this keeps happening.