Inky and Denise thank you for your responses they have been hugely helpful in gaining an outside perspective on what I’m going through. Anita, thank you for your description of what I feel is definitely what happened during the argument. Through reflecting on what you have said I wholeheartly feel as though relieving my distress short term isn’t beneficial for me. In terms with what’s really going on I feel an underlying sense of a power struggle(?) in the relationship and to move forward I need a relationship that is both healthy and balanced (I would like to work at this with him together if at all possible but do not know how to approach him about it). I’ve recently finished university for the summer and now have more time to reflect on our relationship and there feels at times a push and pull between us? (it’s the only way I can describe it). For instance I feel as though I could say one small thing and he will take it the complete opposite to what I meant, leaving me baffled and upset at how he could think I meant it in that way. Other times I stay quiet and do not react as I do not want something small to escalate between us (as I can sense in my bones that it will). While being in the relationship I have changed and grown for the better and I feel as though he may still hold an old perception of who I was prior to our relationship (we were acquaintances back in our ‘party days’ and very different people to who we are now). This I fear is what comes out within our arguments, especially the hurtful things that are being said and I wonder if he will always view me in a certain light. I know in my heart while he says these hurtful things to me during an argument that it isn’t who I am, so when I plead with him it’s hugely conflicting as long term I feel as though I am not being true to myself. I hope this makes sense

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your response and providing me with more insight to what I’m going through, I really appreciate your words. I took some time to reflect upon what you had said and it actually occurred to me that I have never written down or verbalised any relationship goals for myself (like EVER) or for the relationship I am in (or previous ones for that matter!). Therefore your words really hit home for me and open my eyes and I thank you for that. I decided that I WILL reflect and start to write down some goals that I want for myself from the relationship along with goals for outside of the relationship (eg. workout more, meditate more etc). I also felt it would be important once I’ve done these to verbalise them to partner. Though things are good at the moment (both getting on with things and getting on), I cannot deny the need for such goals are crucial for my well being. I’m unsure as to how he will perceive what I will verbalise once I have my goals written down, but I now feel a little more confident in that being true to myself and my own values in verbalising my own needs will rid some of the fear that stirs within me.

Your comment about whether love shrinks me also hit a cord as I can see now love should do the opposite – it should motivate you to grow. Although in the relationship I have loved myself enough to want to change and grow as a person, I worry that he may not feel love for himself enough to do the same – which tied in with your growing pains comment which I now can relate with well. You sharing your own story with me inspired me, knowing that you terminated the abuse you were going through, that takes true strength and courage – keeping your story in my thoughts helps me build up strength for what lies ahead.

Finally, your comment on empathy is a 100% true – while I do see the inner boy in him and know of his painful experiences, I do agree that empathy should come from elsewhere and not from me during these attacks. Becoming the person that he thinks it is okay to talk to in such cruel ways and comforting him following this, continuously feeding his ego is not the person I am and I would not expect him to do the same ever should my attacks towards him reflect his. I know in my heart that saying these things I would never expect him to forgive me, never mind comfort me following them or beg and plead to be with me still – that’s what’s messed up about it. I will continue to reflect, write goals and improve on myself regardless of the storm I feel surrounds me. Thank you for your advice and the others in the forum, I feel more confident in myself knowing that regardless of what happens between us that I will be ok (no more begging or pleading).

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hi Anita,

I wanted to update you following this situation as I feel what you wrote nearing a year ago now gave me strength to make the decisions I have. What followed from this was continuous months of not airing how I felt to him still. While on many occasions we would continue our dysfunctional pattern, things for me got worse. It got to a stage where my anxiety got worse and depression closed in on me. I sought help from a doctor and was put on antidepressants. However deep down none of what was going on sat well within me, as I knew the problem was within the relationship I was in. While I continued to take the antidepressants, changed jobs, lost friends and isolated myself I was growing more and more resentful inside. This was hard.

It had got to a point where I hated him. Hated our relationship and couldn’t take much more of it. The straw that broke the camels back for me was my uncle passing away this weekend and an argument I had with my auntie. He could not show an ounce of sympathy and I could see and still can, this and things were never going to change between us. I’d finally had enough and broke up with him. During this I was honest in what I needed in a man and told him he was not it. I aired how hateful I had become towards him and took responsibility for my part in staying so long when I shouldn’t. What became apparent during this is that he would not take an ounce of responsibility for his part, but would concentrate solely on making me feel bad for being honest with him and my real thoughts and feelings towards him and our relationship. He’s glad he knows how I really feel, and I am glad I told him.

Right now I hurt. I cannot sleep and I have and will no doubt miss him. But it would hurt me and my mental health to stay with him in this situation. I only wished I would have realised what I needed from a relationship a long time ago and had the self esteem to leave. While my self esteem is low at the moment I will take comfort in knowing I made the decision that was right for ME (at last) in the end. It’s funny how the only time my ex partner has ever agreed with me on anything is when it comes down to us breaking up, which I should’ve let happen a long time ago when he could continuously do this. There will be moments where I want to go back but too much is at stake in my life to do this anymore. I will grieve the relationship, but it will be healthier to let it go when I’m done. I’ve learnt and grown and making this decision shows to me how I need to put my needs over him now and heal myself from this mess.

Sending you warm wishes Anita.

Hi Anita,

I agree with you on attending some of my family issues, as it’s been quite the turbulent year for us. The family issues I was referring to in my May 29th post was the aftermath of finding out that my father was having an affair and had moved out of the home we all shared. I found it hard at the time as my father and I were very close and I felt abandoned by him. I was under a lot of stress at the time, not only to be there for my mother and adjust to our new life both emotionally and financially, but also keeping up appearances in my unhealthy relationship. His family struggles at that time were his uncle being diagnosed at the time with cancer (thankfully he overcame this months down the line and is OK now). I felt at the time I was there for my partner in many ways emotionally that he could not be for me during my father leaving. This would often lead to conflicts between us hence the May 29th post.

The argument with my aunt has surfaced recently, though I would say is connected to my fathers affair. When he left I was there for my mother but had my own things to deal with at the time such as finishing university, graduating and finding a new job. Thankfully I somehow managed to achieve all of that throughout the 7 months that followed. However, recently my aunt feels as though I should be doing more for my mother when I feel I do/have done enough. She feels the need to air this to my mother and not directly to me. She does not understand my life and what I am going through and it hurt a lot to hear her say that I was a bad daughter. What she fails to realise is that financially I can’t afford to do anymore for her right now (I’ve recently had to switch jobs to something that was more stable for me than the previous) and I need my own space from her to create my own life after the chaos of this past year. After all how am I meant to heal from it if I’m focused on everyone else? After hearing from my mother that my aunt had continued not once, but this would be the third time to bad mouth me to her on the phone I decided enough was enough and confronted her about it. This unfortunately landed on the day of the news that my uncle had passed, therefore my emotions were running sky high. At that point I was done with all the nonsense that was in my life (and would follow suit 9 hours later by also breaking up with my partner). I confronted her and she could not empathise or understand where I was coming from which was frustrating. We went back and forth for over an hour and I finally gave up trying. She is my aunt and I’ve not once nor would I ever make up assumptions about the way she chooses to live her life as it’s none of my business.

Apologies for the length in post but that felt really good to write out.