Dear misunderstood:
I will share with you a bit about my relationship with my mother, the ending it part: I so very often wished to free myself from my mother. It seemed to me life a dream come true, to live without her condemnations, disapproval, ongoing criticism and without her histrionic, narccistic, borderline explosions, without her attacks, verbal and physical attacks of me. Oh, the dream, the wish… Too guilty to do that. Too scared to hurt her. I was even afraid that if i did stop contact with her, that she will kill herself.

Fast forward: at 52, a few months after my first serious psychotherapy, i stopped contact with her- first as an experiment. That was May 2013. Since then I wrote her a short letter and sent her a message via my sister. Those were two contacts I made with her since, and no more. Last was the message January 2014. Nothing since, not directly and not indirectly. The experiment is over- I will have no contact with her of any kind for the rest of my life.

For the longest time since May 2013 I felt terribly guilty. There were times of relief (the dream of living without her in my life) followed by tremendous guilt and distress. Over and over again. And again. Only lately, very recently do I find myself smiling at the thought of never again having her in my life- and without feeling guilty.

It has been a long and arduous journey, process, multi dimensional. If I knew how hard it would be, I don’t know if I could push myself forward. Maybe I would have stayed with my misery, my distress…But I pushed ahead, and eventually was able to let go. My GREAT anxiety (and depression) is relieved. Not gone but way, way improved, and my life is so much better. If I could change the past I would have stopped all contact with her way earlier, in my 20s if not before.

She did not kill herself as i feared though. In my process I found out that it was me who always needed her. I was the one reaching out to her. I was the one putting the effort to love-and-be-loved by her. It was her who rejected me. ALl the time I believed i was the one hurting her, no: she was the one hurting me. I got it wrong. She is doing just the same without me and I am doing way better without her.

If you have any questions, would like me to share more, let me know.
anita

Dear misunderstood:
You wrote: “i was careful what i shared with my mum, in particular what was happening in my life and my friends life. Because she never responded in a positive way or she woukd use that information against me…she turned against me and my husband. Gave me an ultimatum to break my family up with my 2 small children…when it came to my opinions, i was always silenced…I have never been told of anything good ive done, but as soon as i do wrong….”

Your relationship with your mother was never a good relationship then. She did not validate you. she silenced you, bullied you and still does. She criticized you and still does.

You also wrote: “its never about me, its about how much ive hurt mom.” Your life should be about you. Your father as well as your mother STILL silence you, giving you the message that YOUR life should not be about YOU.

You wrote: “I feel my life is in turmoil and the only healthy thing to do for me and my family is to stop contact. It kills me to say that. But ive tried setting up boundariescand limiting contact but she wint accept that as shecdoesnt accept me.”

I agree. Inky’s advice above, the broken record and all, I believe is good advice for how to deal with difficult people in many situations where you HAVE TO be around those people, maybe a work situation or a family gathering of once a year. But this is not good advice, I believe, for an adult child of an abusive parent who was and STILL is abusive.

See, your mother is not a stranger you have to sometimes deal with, once a year or so, she is the person who shaped you. To someone else she is just a person, for you she means much, much more. Her words have more power on you than on a stranger. For a stranger, the broken record may work because the stranger has not been shaped by her from the time you were a baby.

Regardless of culture, she was abusive. And her being abusive does not mean she always treated you abusively. Even the most abusive person in the world is sometimes kind to somebody.

Regarding your question: my mother manipulated my sister and abused her. My sister has severe panic attacks, is a workaholic to the exclusions of anything else. She does not have a relationship and is not doing well. She3 screams if someone touches her. She has a distant contact with my mother. And my mother did not try to connect with me.

I hope you do stop all contact with your mother as you stated that you are considering because it seems to me that she has been and still is abusive. Even if she wasn’t currently abusive, since she did not repair or attempt to repair her past abuse of you, it keeps on happening via lack of repair. It is her job to repair, not yours. I bet you tried… Her trying to interfere with your family of choice is dangerous to you. I hope you protect yourself, your husband and your children from this damaging woman.

Any more questions and input from me- will be glad to share.

Best wishes to you too:
anita