Hi Trianglesun

It sounds to me that you are doing the right things, but for the wrong reason – as you put it, running away from yourself instead of trying to find yourself. It is good that you are doing something to cope with your depression and situation – many people can’t even get that far. It’s just a matter of setting it in the right direction.

When I found myself in your situation, I started by sitting with a pencil and paper and writing down everything that was good about my life in one column. Then, in the other column, I wrote down all of the bad things. Almost immediately I noticed that the things I was planning to do would actually take me away from more of the good things than the bad things.

I think I had initially thought that just doing something about my situation had to be better than doing nothing. All I actually needed to do was target the bad things (which, as it turned out, needed much less dramatic action, but was very effective).

In your case, for example, you appear to be happy with your job and pay, so I would be very careful about doing anything that would jeopardise that. A relationship breakup can leave you with a feeling of loneliness and a fractured social circle, but shouldn’t need to affect your career. In fact, it is often very helpful to have an area of stability in your life whilst you address the other problems.
It is easy to mistake activity for action. You enjoy your activities, but from what you say they are not moving you closer to where you want to be long-term. That doesn’t mean you should stop doing them, but to just spend a bit of time thinking about what you are doing them for.

If you are not happy in your downtime, that is the area to focus on. Maybe you need to steer your activities more towards things that you can do every other day as well, such as exercise, sport, music or art. Look at what it is you enjoy about your activities and try to find ways to incorporate it into your everyday life. It’s always tempting to think we can only be happy on holiday, but even a few minutes doing something you love every day can transform everyday life. At the moment you are treating your activities as a distinct thing from the rest of your life. Try making them a part of what you do every day, and you will satisfy your craving, and find you are running towards yourself instead of away.