Trianglesun,

I’m sorry for your tough times, and can understand the desire to go for a jog when we are uncomfortable and sad. Consider that sorrow and grief is much like a backpack filled with stones. You can ignore it by surrounding yourself with new and shiny people and places, but you can’t outrun it. You have to choose to set it down. To open it up, pick up each stone, cry it out, and leave it behind you as you walk on.

Perhaps because you felt exceptionally lost 4 years ago, you are scared of your grief. Very normal. To try to avoid “going backwards” so you run and run, trying to recreate the walkabout and adventure. But you’re skipping an important step, unpacking the stone. So no matter where you go, when you stop and rest, the weight is there too.

Consider one of the stones. “HER. The one. The only”. How beautiful to have met such a lovely woman, what a romantic and poetic explanation of who she was! And also, total bullshit, a fancy romantic notion, you over exaggerating, being dramatic and storybook ignorant. She had some great qualities, and as a person, she helped your body and mind and heart sing with happiness. Then, clamp that tight fist in your brain around her, throw ropes around her as “the only”, and you have yourself a stone.

To set it down, consider unclenching around “the one the only” and accept that as romantic fantasy and false. “She meant a lot”, sure, of course, clearly. “I really loved her”, yes, well said, definitely. “She left”, yes, that sucks friend, hurts like crazy, cry it out. “I don’t like sorrow”, of course not, grief is tough, not fun for any of us, takes time and tears to heal.

Finally, consider starting a meditation practice. By becoming more in tune with your breath and body, it will be easier to stay present even when you’re not on vacation. So you don’t get lost in your brain as much, and can see the freshness in the everyday beauty, not just the beauty in externally fresh experiences. With so much high adventure experience, chances are great you have focused concentration. Focus that concentration into the breath, as though direct attention toward breathing is like an extreme cosmic sport of climbing the mountain of happiness, and lots of things will get easier. Consider “Thich Nhat Hanh guided breath meditation” on YouTube as a potential liftoff point.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear trianglesun:
You wrote: “All of my insecurities and doubts came up to the surface.” My question is: what were some or all of those insecurities and doubts?

anita

Dear trianglesun:

You wrote in your note to me that you find yourself dwelling on negative things forever. It reminds me of something I read, that we as people do tend to dwell on negative things, that it is a normal human tendency that evolved through the millions of years or so because we evolved not so to be happy but to survive, and being alert to the predators in the environment was of highest priority for survival.

We evolved to survive, not to be happy.

I share your sentiment about how someone close to you can do something bad towards you, as you stated. It is mind boggling. It still boggles my mind. How my mother could destroy so much of me, so much of my life… all those years, repeatedly. Didn’t she notice? Didn’t she care? And at the same time I still long for her (but have no contact with her). I still long for her because the attachment is there, in my neurons.

Our attachment to others, evolutionary wise, evolved so to increase our chances for survival, that is why the baby deer follows his mother- protection and sustenance is there. That is why we want to be liked and loved by others- protection and sustenance is in the group. But when the group or the parent turns against you- when anyone you are attached to- turns against you, it goes against nature, against the WHY of our attachment to another. We get attached because it is supposed to increase our survivability, that is because it is good for us… and when it turns against us, it does boggle the mind and the heart.

anita