Hi strong2015,

The cheating is of course, a red flag, if not DEALBREAKER.

The “If you met the love of your life he wouldn’t begrudge for choosing someone over him” is him saying, “DUMP ME NOW, because I’m too comfortable to do the dumping and haven’t met MY love of MY life!!”

What I would do (Me, not You, ME people!) is say, “Darling, I’ve met someone”.

See what his reaction is. If he flips out. If he is true to his word, and leaves gracefully. If he’s surprised.

Or you can say “I need a break” and reconnect NEXT YEAR. THEN see if any spark is there. Remorse. Lingering passion.

Personally, I believe you should only “forgive” cheating if there’s children involved.

Best,

Inky

Dear strong2015:

You wrote that he said: “I’m easy, have dinner with your friends if you want.” and something like: if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me.

What do these statements mean? Need to take them in context of other statements and behaviors. What came to my mind reading these two statements is that he may feel guilty, that he feels he is not good enough for you and he feels badly for keeping you from meeting someone who is better than him. Thses are things I can imagine myself saying in the past for the reasons I stated.

The awkwardness on his part when intimate may fit with him feeling guilty, inadequate, maybe even defected.

These are all possibilities to consider perhaps? My suggestion is to … never underestimate how many, many people out there feel not-good-enough. I missed this fact because I felt not good enough and from that point of view thought everyone else had it all together. Not so.

I hope you can practice good communication skills with him and that he does too so you can communicate honestly, openly, like best friends first, before anything else. If he can feel safe with you wanting the best for him and where you can feel the same with him.

anita

One more thing. You wrote: “He idolised his father who is very out-going mans, man and he isn’t that, so has always felt like he has disappointed his father. I see a dad that is very proud of him and only wants him to be happy.”

You see his dad as being proud of his son (your bf) and “only wants him to be happy.”

If and when you do listen to your partner talk about his dad again, his relationship with his father, I hope you are not locked into your impression that his dad is -and always has been- proud of his son and/ or is or always just wanted him to be happy. Perceptions, impressions can be, oh, so very wrong, oh so very wrong. If you are locked into this you may filter out/ not pay attention to valid points your partner may be making. Your partner’s shame in relations to his dad – I assure you- and I will sign a paper to that effect, your partner’s shame has to do with a seriously flawed relationship with his father. Your partner’s feelings are valid and carry messages about the truth of his childhood, a truth that needs to be heard and validated.
anita

Dear strong2015:

I am impressed by how hard and how well you try to listen to him and to help him. To your questions:

– “From what you said I assuming you were able to build your self worth while you were in your relationship? I always struggle with how you hear you are both suppose to come to the relationship as two complete people.”

When a person is very hurt by the first relationship in life, the one with a parent, how can there be healing ALONE? The hurt, the damage, was done in the context of that critical first RELATIONSHIP. Healing is possible only in the context of another relationship, be it one with a good-enough psychotherapist or with a good enough friend and/ or a good enough partner.

– “My partners comment ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’ still bugs me, I don’t want to make assumptions on what he meant. The context around the statement was that we were out to dinner for my birthday and i mentioned I received a card from an old workmate. I said I was surprised as I hadn’t seen him in years. My partners response was something along the lines of he probably had a crush on me and then he went on to say ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’. I didn’t question it then as I didn’t want to wreck our night but I would like to know what he meant. Do you have any suggestions on how to bring it up in a non-threatening way?”

Yes, my suggestion is that you choose a time when he is calm and if you manage to be calm-enough yourself at the same time, say in a calm, even voice: remember on my birthday, you said: “…..” I didn’t know then what you meant by it and have been wondering what it was you meant. so at one point I was thinking: why keep wondering, just ask (name), so what is it, sweetie (whatever nice name you call him) that your statement meant/ what did you mean by it?

P.S. It would be a good practice for both of you to …simply ask: what do you mean by this or that? simply so to peel off inaccurate projections from what is the real. Talking about simplifying life!

– “I suppose my last question is I do want to understand how he feels about us. I asked him the question about does he want us to be friend or lovers and he said he needed time to think and I do want an answer to that but more than anything I want to understand how he feels. Maybe he has told me in the past ‘when he said he doesn’t feel good enough’ but I would love to gain deeper understanding of how he is feeling but not sure how to even start the conversation. Do you have any suggestions on how to make him open up?”

Assume, if you can, the attitude of CURIOSITY, almost objective curiosity (almost…) and ASK him questions without the intent of getting a desirable answer- an intent that would likely to influence him greatly to not answer honestly, to not even explore the honest answer within him- ask him just so to get to know him/ to get to know the truth of what is there. Start with the situation at hand, for example what he told you on your birthday, and ask him what he means by it. If he resists answering, tell him what you THINK he may have meant, a possibility of what it may be, and let him confirm or reject your interpretation, state his real meaning. Start with things that are happening, concrete things he says and does. One topic can lead to a lot more.

When he gets overwhelmed (or you get overwhelmed) cut those conversations short, to continue at a later time. We can’t think clearly with emotions jumping up and down creating that brain fog. You don’t get reality from a person who is overly emotional – or numb following feeling too much. So in moderation, choose timing. Slowly.

Take care of yourself and my best wishes to you and to your relationship. Will follow your threads/ posts and would like very much to respond further if you continue to find my responses helpful to you.
anita