Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Beating my insecurities
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July 29, 2015 at 1:04 pm #80766
MeganParticipantI had a wonderful relationship with a man who went above and beyond to show me he cared. I let my insecurities and fear of our future together (or potential lack of one) push him away. I kept harping on these insecurities for weeks and instigating arguments until I had pushed him away completely. It took losing him to realize that I need to change. I want to beat my insecure and negative thoughts and become a more positive and loving person first for myself but for him as well. Does anyone have any advice on how I can better myself while also showing him (gently) that I am willing to change and do what it takes to keep him in my life? We ended things on good terms and want to remain in each others lives. He doesn’t want to keep seeing each other romantically now but says he isn’t discounting it in the future. Thank you for any guidance.
July 29, 2015 at 4:46 pm #80774
AnonymousGuestDear meg123:
You can talk with him about your insecurities, but this time directly, taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. This time not blaming him for making you feel this way or that, for not doing this or that, but telling him how you feel, when it started, how it started. Share from your heart, be vulnerable. For what have you got to lose? Sharing one’s vulnerability is endearing. Dumping one’s venom is poisonining. “Why didn’t you call me at 9 pm? I was waiting… is it too much to ask…etc. etc. ” is an example of dumping. “I felt so lonely last night at nine. I felt so lonely… i felt such a strong need to be held…” is an example of sharing vulnerability.
anita
July 30, 2015 at 10:45 am #80869MeganParticipantThank you, Anita. I can definitely practice expressing myself in this way rather than passing the blame or “dumping.” At this time we are not speaking much if at all and I am working on bettering myself. Any ideas on ways to show him that I am changing and deserving of a second chance? He always says actions speak louder than words. How do I show him I care and can be positive and supportive of him without being to pushy? Thank you!
July 30, 2015 at 11:15 am #80871AnonymousGuestDear meg123:
Did you ask him what actions will speak to him louder than words? If not, can you ask him when you do talk to him? You wrote you may not even be talking so without talking, I guess you can send him flowers or money, or make him a sweater… I don’t know what action he needs- I am curious. What action does he want without talking??? It may be something you are not willing to do and it may be manipulative on his part. I have no idea. Got to ask and gather information.
anitaJuly 30, 2015 at 11:28 am #80872MeganParticipantHis motto is “actions speak louder than words” when he ended things he told me that he can’t do this anymore. When I asked if he thought we could be together again he said it’s never too late. I know what I need to do to make myself more positive and to control my negative thoughts and not let them effect others or my relationships. I just need to keep practicing. Other than sending occasional positive text messages what can I do to show him that I have become a person that can be in a healthy relationship again. I don’t want to be too pushy if he needs space but I also want to make it known that I am working on myself but still care and want to be with him again without coming right out and saying that which might just sound like begging to him?
July 30, 2015 at 11:32 am #80874AnonymousGuestDear meg123:
Your first sentence on this thread was: “I had a wonderful relationship with a man who went above and beyond to show me he cared.”
HOW did he show you that he cared about you?
Waiting for your answer.
anitaJuly 30, 2015 at 11:53 am #80878MeganParticipantConstantly gave me positive support, helped me move, was there for me anytime I needed him whether that was to talk on the phone or to physically be together, was attentive to my needs, made me feel cared for, was affectionate, made room for me in his life. I have not done those things for him in the past few weeks and I deeply regret that. I want to show him that I can give those things not just say I’m capable but actually prove I am. I don’t know how to do that though if we aren’t “together.”
August 1, 2015 at 4:57 pm #81033AnonymousGuestDear Megan:
Yes, you can’t do any of these things if he doesn’t let you back into his life. I don’t know if you did it already: did you write to him this that you wrote above; listing what he did for you (maybe with examples), let him know how much you appreciate it now and that you want to repay him his kindness, to do the same for him, if not now, then in the future if and when he is willing to let you back in. Let him know that you are willing now, and for some time, that you will be waiting for him (give him a time limit, amonth, two?)
And then let him go. can’t force him to let you back in. The kindness he showed you, if you don’t get the opportunity to return to him, I hope you will practice with another man in the future, so the lesson you learned is not completely wasted…
anita
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