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I don't know how to deal with it anymore

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • August 11, 2015 at 7:52 am #81637
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am in a relationship for almost 7 months. It’s the most serious relationship we’ve both ever had. I’m 20, he’s 21. He is sweet, caring. The thing is I often got mad about little things, said offensive things to him, hurt him. My insecurities and negative thinking almost ruined a good thing. He got fed up with all this, eventually. He changed because he couldn’t deal with my behavior anymore, he said he was very stressed. I understand and I don’t blame him, I know it’s my fault, that’s why I’m in the process of changing. I want to change and I can change.

    But now, every time I say something that makes me upset (usually little things, because he never did something wrong, except the way he reacts which is really hurtful) he adopts this behavior: ignores me until I text him first, talks like he doesn’t care about me at all, he is sarcastic, he says it’s my fault that I’m hurt, he doesn’t care about what I say or how I feel and all of this hurts me a lot.We talked about this.I know I brought him to a point where he just can’t control himself anymore. I just can’t deal with how he reacts when we have an argument anymore.

    I just need your opinion. Thank you in advance for taking your time to read this and reply!

    August 11, 2015 at 8:11 am #81639
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    Can you give an example of a past incident (some detail) when you got mad (what was the behavior?) about a little thing, as you put it, said offensive things to him (what?)?

    Fast forward, can you give an example of you saying something (what?) that is followed by him ignoring you (how? for how long does he not text you before you do?) how does he act as if he doesn’t care about you (specifically), what exactly does he refer to when he says it is your fault? What is he referring to which you say (what do you say?) that he says he doesn’t care about?

    anita

    August 11, 2015 at 8:50 am #81640
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    He ignores my messages several minutes even though I know he is there. I can’t say for how long would he ignore me if I don’t say anything because I say something at some point.. like after 1-2-3 hours because I just can’t stay without talking to him and I can’t wait for him to text me first especially because he has this impression that it’s my fault all the time and I am the one who should initiate the conversation. And when I do talk to him, he still doesn’t change his mind and says I did this.
    Today I saw him smiling because a friend texted him (a guy), and I didn’t feel good especially because we fight a lot lately. And I explained to him what I felt and he was like “ok” or just ignoring me because he is tired of all this like how could i be mad about this, and the fact that he started to ignore me and talk to me like this made me sooo mad and i was like “how are u feeling without me?”, and he was like “good 🙂 he doesn’t act like you” “i’m not allowed to know what you two are talking about, right?” ( i was sarcastic) and he was like “nope” and i told him “ok i’ll leave you alone” and he said “ok byeee”

    August 11, 2015 at 10:08 am #81644
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    You wrote: “he never did something wrong, except the way he reacts which is really hurtful… I don’t blame him, I know it’s my fault…he says it’s my fault… ”

    I read enough, I believe, to see that you taking the pne-at-fault role in this relationship is not based on what is true. Although you said things to him that were offensive (what, I don’t know, but let’s say you told him that he is a loser, or any such thing…?)

    Anyway, i am sure you weren’t perfect with him because nobody is and because you stated that you “said offensive things to him.” – he is not perfect either. he is at fault too for the trouble of the relationship. When he said to you that he DOESN’T CARE how you FEEL- it is offensive. It is hurtful. It means he doesn’t value you. How can it be anything but offensive? Ignoring you, that is giving you the silent treatment is also offensive, disrespectful as well as the “byeee”

    The fact that you take 100% responsibility for the trouble in the relationship, 100% responsibility for his hurt feelings is very convenient to him. He gets to be RIGHT and you get to be WRONG. It is not only convenient for him, it is also detrimental to your mental health and to the potential (if there is such a possibility) of quality in this relationship.

    You need to decrease the responsibility you are taking for the relationship from 100% to 50% and he needs to increase his taking responsibility for the relationship from 0% to 50%.

    What do you think of the concept and the math?

    anita

    August 11, 2015 at 11:04 am #81647
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I guess you’re right. I’m too hurt right know honestly..

    August 11, 2015 at 11:34 am #81648
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    Take your time and come back to the issue of your thread when you are calm enough. Will look forward to your next post, whenever it may be.
    anita

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