fbpx
Menu

Can Buddhism help with self-confidence and self-esteem?

HomeForumsWorkCan Buddhism help with self-confidence and self-esteem?

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #82008
    jock
    Participant

    I really do like Buddhism and have tried to apply it to my life in every aspect. Relative beginner but eightfold path and noble truths make so much sense.
    The one area where I am not sure Buddhism can help me is self-esteem/self-confidence. For me to function in the workplace I need to stand up to bullies and harassment when it occurs and lately I have been really tested. I was very grateful to get my current job after being out of work for a while. Also huge new learning curve for me, whole new set of skills, plus a desire to please and not offend lest I lose my job, has made me vulnerable to harassment. I must look extremely insecure, because I am attracting rude tones of voice and constant fault-finding. Go home feeling completely useless. Now on the brink of quitting despite no other job to go to.
    I was thinking when people spoke rudely to me “I need to have compassion for people who insult me”, trying to be a good Buddhist. But now I am so annoyed at myself for not nipping this harassment in the bud. I should’ve said” why are you using that rude tone with me” “you’ll get more out of me if speak with more respect”., on the first day. is it too late now I wonder?
    Anyway my stress levels have reached the point where I can’t even meditate.
    I’m having second thoughts about Buddhism now. Maybe my key problem has been low self-esteem all along which is not necessarily addressed in Buddhism to my way of thinking. Non self? Atman? Aren’t we supposed to be beyond being insulted as Buddhists? Don’t take it personally? Who is this “you” that is being offended? I don’t know. maybe I’m just confused. I did look for some talks on this on Youtube but nothing really relevant.

    #82019
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Jack,

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Having self-esteem/self-confidence is so vital to our well being as you have already noticed. Although I am not an expert in Buddhism, I have read many articles on TB and can give you what I know. You said you have a desire to “please and not offend lest I lose my job.” You believe this pleasing behavior is causing you to be vulnerable to harassment? You say you look extremely “insecure,” are you sure this is not just a thought coming from within you rather than outside of you? Sometimes when we lack self-esteem or self-confidence, we can perceive others as being critical of us and have a hard time coping with that. Either this is happening or you are in a completely toxic work environment. Do you ever feel this way when you are in other situations? Around other people who are not your co-workers?

    Yes, I agree that we must have compassion for others, but we must not let them bring us down. When we have more compassion for ourself, we can be more accepting of others. Although it’s important to be respectful and understanding of others, you can nicely and assertively stand up for yourself. Yes, I agree that we should be beyond insulting as Buddhists, but not everyone shares the same values that we do. In that sense, we should be compassionate, but if something becomes too bad to the point where it negatively affects us, then we should speak up about it. There’s a great article on self-esteem and criticism, but of course we shouldn’t always have to bite the bullet.

    Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    #82068
    jock
    Participant

    Annie
    Thanks for your post and link which I read. it was useful.
    Of course your point of view is quite valid. It is more often than not, my interpretation of events which make it worse.
    And I have had problems in other workplaces as well as in other situations. Stems from feelings of inferiority I fear.

    But I’d like to focus on whether Buddhism is going to be useful to me or not in regaining self-esteem. When I was younger, I did have some low-self esteem issues but they were manageable because I worked on my appearance and fitness. I felt good about how I looked. of course I still had problems of feeling confident in a group., afraid to voice my opinion. Now (in my fiftees), I am much fatter, starting to wrinkle, bit slower to catch on, (teach an old dog new tricks?) and perhaps more sensitive to perceived criticisms. However, I think when I was young I let people walk all over me, just I didn’t notice. Now I notice it and no longer want to be a doormat. I see someone used the analogy of the tiger and the teddy bear on another site. people need to see both the tiger and the teddy bear persona in you. I tend to project too much of the teddy bear persona, wanting to be cute and loveable. it’s all about boundaries and the workplace requires our boundaries to be stricter than normal. I tend to be over friendly, overly familiar and kind of toothless. The assertive tiger persona is hard for me to perform. I don’t enjoy claiming my rights to other people when they step over my boundaries or I am not mindful of what is happening in the heat of the moment(haha ! mindful… so maybe Buddhism is helping).
    I want Buddhism to give me solutions to getting on with my work colleagues and gaining their respect. But all I get from Tibetan Buddhism is “be compassionate and fully present”. Surely we need to protect ourselves from people who are likely to walk all over us given the chance? What is the teaching on that? I used to be a Christian and a similar teaching was “turn the other cheek”. How about emphasising assertiveness more in daily life? How about talking about maintaining healthy self-esteem? These are my core issues and maybe they are better treated by psychology and counselling rather than religion. Too much emphasis on compassion and loving others regardless of their behaviour, is setting us for mistreatemnt in my view. We need to survive in the real world. Yes meditation has helped me I admit but it won’t solve all my problems I fear.

    #82089
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jack:

    First thing first: have compassion for yourself. And protect yourself against harm by another. It is not your job to be a good Christian or a good Buddhist. It is your job to take good care of yourself- accepting abuse is NOT okay, jack.

    anita

    #82112
    jock
    Participant

    Anita
    thanks
    I think I’m not the only one in this world who need s compassion for themselves. Most of us have that inner critic who tends to dominate the board meetings of our mind. Time for the quieter voices to have their say.

    #82114
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Hi Jack,
    I’m not Buddhist (I’m Hindu so some of the Vedantic origins are similar). But I agree with Annie and Anita – it really doesn’t matter what religion we belong to, our human journey of emotions and experience is still very similar.

    However, since you asked specifically about Buddhist views regarding self-confidence, these might help:
    http://viewonbuddhism.org/self-confidence.html
    http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Buddhism/Articles/Self-Confidence-from-a-Buddhist-perspective.aspx
    http://thebuddhistblog.blogspot.com/2006/07/self-worth.html

    #82125
    jock
    Participant

    Saiisha
    Thanks for links. I’ve just read all of them. They were good but did not deal specifically with standing up to bullies or harassment at work. They spoke in more general terms. Example self-worth. Yes I know that I just have to keep meditating and I will eventually find that inner wellspring of self-acceptance that is lying below all the negativity.
    Starting to think I’m too self-absorbed. Should take a break from myself eh.

    #82132
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Jack – I think you got it – your journey would be one of peeling away the layers of self-absorption to widen your perspective toward a universal Self. I don’t think quitting your job would help – in fact, your job is probably helping to bring up your inner issues and for you to practice standing up for yourself, to know and understand your fears, resistances and beliefs, and to also recognize what would lead you to joy, acceptance and confidence.

    Eastern religions tend not to tell you specifically what to do about harassment at work, or standing up to bullies – they always guide you toward your inner self, which is fearless, still, and always at peace.

    You could try Pema Chodron’s “The Places That Scare You”, or her “When Things Fall Apart” – to see if you can figure out a Buddhist way of dealing with the situations at work.

    Namaste, Saiisha

    #82133
    jock
    Participant

    Pema Chodron?
    She is probably the best guru out there.
    I’m a huge fan.
    Read all her stuff. Brilliant.

    #82152
    Evelyn Marinoff
    Participant

    Jack,

    Unfortunately, what you are going through is an internal struggle for anyone who is good at heart and overly nice to others. I have fought a similar battle for many years–sometimes, the best way is to simply observe others’ behavior at work and mimic it. Adjust to survive.
    Otherwise, people will grab any chance to take advantage of you! And not only that–they can measure you up in a matter of seconds. And if the work culture favors confident and arrogant behavior, then you will definitely be an outsider. Many religions teach compassion and selflessness but what the other bloggers have advised you is correct–you can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself first. You can’t command respect from others if you don’t respect yourself first. You can still be a nice person and offer to help when needed, but there is a difference between being polite and helpful, and allowing people to take advantage of you. If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one else will. Compassion is a very precious gift in our cruel world–you shouldn’t give it away to just everyone. Most people don’t deserve it.
    Another piece of advice–don’t be afraid to admit in front of others if you don’t know something–for instance, that you are still new at your job and learning. It is a better option that than coming across as generally insecure. Once you explain the reason to others, they even may try to help you.

    Best of luck! Building self-esteem takes time but all you need are just small steps every day. If you believe you can make it, you will! Buddhism also teaches us of patience and persistence–you can use these in your confidence-boosting journey.

    #82155
    jock
    Participant

    Compassion is a very precious gift in our cruel world–you shouldn’t give it away to just everyone. Most people don’t deserve it.

    An excellent post Evelyn. Thanks. Seems you know exactly what is going on, perhaps because you have tread the same path as me before.
    I’ve just quoted you hear because I find this particular comment somewhat controversial. I mean I tend to agree with you but I wonder what other Buddhists would say about “most people not deserving compassion”. My view of the “real world” is similar in that most people are only looking after their own agenda; the real world being like a competitive jungle and survival of the fittest.
    I especially like your advice about using the same behaviour as them (my colleagues) to survive. Stop smiling and being so eager not to offend. It’s like the wild west. You have to develop some “don’t mess with me” demeanour or you’re in trouble.
    Sad though that we have to adopt these masks. I’d prefer to be my old relaxed, non-threatening self.

    #82156
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jack:

    Here are my Compassion Rules:

    A child always deserves his/ her parents’ uncompromized compassion, all the time.

    In a situation where there is an offender and an offended, where hurt has been committed by the offender against the offended, the offended deserves compassion, not the offendor.

    Now if these two rules were kept by all humanity, I for one will be satisfied.

    anita

    #82158
    jock
    Participant

    where hurt has been committed by the offender against the offended, the offended deserves compassion, not the offendor.

    Part of me agrees with you but again I think this would be a controversial statement to make in the Buddhist community.
    Aren’t we (ideally) supposed to have compassion for everyone?
    As Jesus Christ apparently said “forgive them, they know not what they do”. But I feel so patronising when this thought arises in me. As if I am looking down on them.

    #82159
    jock
    Participant

    If I look back at my current problem at work I see that my lack of self forgiveness is a major contributor. I felt so stupid to let this happen. To let them speak to me rudely without even a whimper from me. I consoled myself by saying “I’m just gonna focus on the task, not worry what they say”. But the process does matter. The task is not more important than how we are treated by our colleagues.And I think my lack of self-forgiveness was a way of saying “I can’t let this happen again. I must punish myself as a strong reminder never to let this happen again.
    I go back to work later next week. I’m prepared to walk out this time. leave them to it. I hope it doesn’t get to that. But I want to show I’m not desperate for the job. I can find another job but it will be hard. My pride is important. I don’t need to be a whipping boy for them to get ride of their stress.
    I have to psyche myself up to perform like a tiger, my new persona. Just hope I don’t overdo it.

    #82170
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jack:

    It is not healthy for a person when offended by another to feel compassion for the offender. It makes sense only in times of emergency, when you are under life and death attack, then feeling empathy for the attacker may reach the attacker and the attacker may have mercy on the attacked and not kill the attacked. Outside a state of emergency when your life is not in danger, it is self destructive.

    Does it matter if it is controversial in the Buddhist community to not have compassion for the one attacking you (when your life is not in danger)? Is your goal to fit in the Buddhist community or to wake up to reality? Who is the authority of what reality is?

    As you awake, with humility, with openess to examine people and situations, YOU become the authority, not a community.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.