Dear anita,

It is astonishing how your writing resonates with me. As if you lived with us and witnessed our conversations.
Yes, he is not a very deep person. Nice and easy – this is how he wants the life to be, especially when it comes to me. It has always been like that: after I got upset after he behaves poorly and want to talk to sort things out in order to make him understand what my problem is with the only wish to improve things, he shut down and stop talking to me. Then, after a while he would come to see me, to hug and to say that he is sorry. But this way the problems don’t get resolved. When I am trying to explain him what bothers me in a very-very nice way, he would get upset. “I came to apologize and you keep going on and going on”. This drives me crazy. It is like there is no way to establish an adult communication. A real childish behaviour.
However, when it comes to his needs and his fears and his issues, he can take months to dwell on it. No problem to talk about it wherever we go and whatever we do. And I am being his psychotherapist all my life. I contributed to his raised self-esteem, to his career, providing him with many insights. Always encouraged him.
You know it might sound extremely cynical, and I apologize for this in advance, but sometimes I think that if we are not equal in this area and I am taking all on my shoulders, why on earth we should be “equal” in other things, like affairs for example. So he thought because I did it he is entitled too. Now, the why on earth this rule of equality does not apply to the other areas of our life?
Even now, his main argument is: “Don’t you see how hurt I am for what I have done?! I am drained, I feel devastated. I feel even worst that when I found out about your affair. Isn’t it enough for you?” Well, no, it is not. It is all about him again. I want him to take care of my pain, not exposing his pain on me again. I told him that. He says “ok, tell me what you feel”. When I start explaining, he says his affair was not real and he never loved her, all he said to her was lye and he was not himself. He refuses to take responsibility. And no responsibility – no need to make up for it somehow. No need for additional efforts. So, I need to just forgive him and live happily ever after.
But I cannot! I know I am repeating myself, sorry about that. I need him to show every single day how remorseful he is. Not to telling me about his pain that he destroyed everything he had. This is very easy. I want him to go out of his way to show me how much he loves me. Not with hugs and kisses, but with real efforts. But as you said to make some changes requires a lot of work. It takes motivation, commitment, but also the ability, which I think he doesn’t have.
It was difficult to hide from my son that something is going wrong. Just to add to the misery, I found out about the affair while we were on a family vacations in Florida. The vacation I planned with so much love and joy. It was the second day. Needless to mention that the vacation was spoiled and my pain was even harder. I was in shock and agonizing. We needed to take time to talk and we did not take care of our son the way we wanted to. Fortunately, we were not alone, but with my older son family, so they took care of him. So, we had no choice to tell him that we are going through some difficult period which can sometimes lead to a divorce, but we will do everything possible to save our marriage. He said it will cause him some pain, but if this decision is what best for us, then he is ok. Now, he is 10 yo and what he tells might not reflect what he feels or how he will react if this happens.
Writing here is a real bless. I feel better. You know during these 4 years I cut all the social connections to be exclusively with my family. I use to have friends, I am an extravert and very outgoing. He didn’t like it that much. I changed my lifestyle completely. And now, I have no friends at all to talk to.