Hello,

I have no idea where to start and the only thing I am sure of in this moment is that I have strong negative emotions toward my bf. We have been dating for 11 months, 8 of which he’s lived abroad. He professes his love for me, lies to me, says he wants to marry me, and calls me stupid all in a day and almost everyday. Sick, I know. No matter how strong I think I am, this behavior has taken a toll on me. I am drained in every sense of the word, my life is a disaster and I feel like I am wedged in a corner and cannot escape. After 5 months of dating I found documents which revealed that his WIFE was filing for divorce, yes, he was married when we met. He did not tell me he was married and he easily hid this from me because she lived in another state. Yes, there were red flags and I addressed them but they were ignored and I chose to stay despite the suspicious behavior, apathy and disrespect.

Within weeks of this discovery he had to move to another country for short term work. He gave no attention to the matter (his being married and lying to me about it). He begged me not to leave him (professed his love), said they were already divorced but the papers were dated of course and this further insulted my intelligence (lied to me), and promised we’d marry if I remained loyal while he was abroad (said he wanted to marry me). I did not leave and this cycle continued until the resentment surfaced. He can’t communicate often due to his being busy with work (this is what he tells me for 8 months) so nothing is discussed, nothing is said or done to perpetuate healing or comfort, trust. We talk once a day for 5-15 minutes each day for 8 months. We video chat 3 times. He sends photos maybe 4 times and I send them every other day because he asks and mostly for sexy pictures (he says this perpetuates trust. I get fed up with this cycle, I feel dirty, used and stupid so I begin to lash out when he ignores my texts, insults my efforts to maintain communication and dangles the possibility of marriage like a carrot in front of my face. Lashing out consists of awful verbal abuse, harassment and breaking up with him. He says I’m a lunatic, “No man will marry a woman who talks to him this way!”, he tells me. He longer wants to get married, completely stopped communicating with me but never broke up with me. I broke up with him via text since he ignored me phone call when I called to talk things out for the millionth time. I referred to him as my bf because we break up ever other day but this time I think am afraid it is for good.

It’s only been three days and we’ve never gone longer than a week without any communication, even if it was just 5 minutes but I am falling apart emotionally, I am still angry, depressed, now single–lonely, I have no friends because I got so caught up in pleasing him, all of my energy went there, he returns in a few weeks and the thought of him coming home and settling down with someone else pisses of off. I invested so much, I gave so much and I want it back!!!

Please help!! I need a reality check. I have a wild imagination, a desire for a family, could this be fueling my desperation?